Venting Why?

[safetynet]

I don't really get it. Why? Why do I continue to stay alive?

The world's progressively getting more and more shit, and I think I've reached the point where I think so much about death I start to dissociate. What point is it to stay? What's here for me? Why do I feel entitled to stay?

So far I have a girlfriend and I think after some really deep introspection today I realized I'm such a narcissistic little bastard. I developed so much selfish biases and beliefs within myself from my father that I think it's caused me to really realize just how much of a horrible person I am to everyone. I guess I'm abusive? Maybe I'm not? I don't outwardly hurt her intentionally but I think I'm too broken to not hurt her.

Like, seriously, what's left for me? Logically, if I didn't have a fear of death or some sort of empathy to not hurt people I care about more by dying, I'd be dead a long time ago. But yet I'm still alive. I'm not "strong", "brave", or whatever stupid term people come up with. I'm only here because I'm too terrified of the thought of existence ceasing. It's biologically engrained, sort of like a prison.

I'm on antidepressants...which just...numb my judgement...I guess? Don't seem to work all the time anyway since if I have logical reasons to be suicidal it can't suddenly make me illogical.
I'm in therapy...which doesn't really help at all. The only thing that'll help me is fixing the world, which is about as impossible as the sky being red at this point.

I research suicide methods but I always reach a roadblock. I start spiraling into an endless pit. It's fucked how I can't even find peace in dying because even that comes with its own baggage. I'm failing my college classes and I'm too broken/empty to even care about them anymore. What's the point? The earth is dying. The political climate is getting more and more insane and hateful. What future is there? What hope is there? That things will be less shitty than expected?

I don't get it. Why should I stay alive? Why am I too afraid to die? Why am I here? What evil, foul creature put me here? Why to me?

Why do I post here? Why do I still try and go on not because I want to but because I'm scared of the other path? Why? Why? Why can I never catch a break? Why is everyday full of baggage and despair?

I hate it here. If this is a simulation, which I honestly think it is from how cruel it is, can someone please unplug it? Am I having a nightmare? (I seem to have too many of those...)

Can someone wake me up? Is this hell? Am I really as bad as I think I am? Am I really as hopeless as I think I am?

 

[UnnervedCompany]

Am I really as bad as I think I am?

Prolly not judging from your self awareness.

 

[witchcraft]

I wonder if there is an absurd, irradicable part of me that wants to live because it cannot help but hope for a different life, the kind of reality we might dream of, a future we'd desperately wish for even though it hurts to do so. We can't hang ourselves because our mind is hung up on what could have been! How things were supposed to be! And we can't let go of how our life should have gone. After all, why wasn't the sweet life possible? It's possible for all these people around me. Other people have been living the sweet life all around me since the day I was born. Why me? Or, why not me? These questions remain unanswered, and we want answers, we demand them even, because we feel like we have been done an almost unfathomable injustice.

I know I'm not a perfectly logical human being. I'm full of little tricks and conundrums. Inconsistencies and outright contradictions. There's the whole sub-conscious and unconscious realms, lots that I don't know. What do you think about these facets? Do any of them apply to you?

If I've learned anything from my own life (and perhaps this only applies to me, but I thought I'd share), it's that logic always points to self-destruction as a solution when it is left purely to its own devices.

Any arguments in favor of staying alive that I found relatively convincing or at least gave me pause, were all absurdist, existentialist, and faith-based. Meaning, I have a hundred logical reasons why it makes sense to kill myself, why I ought to kill myself, and the only thing I have up against that are beliefs without evidence, as well as some hypothetical thought experiments.

Yet, for me, there's something about these beliefs or hypotheticals that create an irradicable doubt within me. Uncertainty over what to do.

I'm not here in this thread to convince you or anyone else of those, which is why I'm only vaguely referencing them. Rather, I am wondering if perhaps you also have this small, irrational part of you that believes—simply because it cannot technically be proven wrong—that your life in the future will be somehow better. And if you are perhaps hung up on the sort of questions I mentioned near the beginning of my post.

It is incredibly frustrating, being at war with oneself in this sort of manner. The rest of my post may not have made any sense to you, or perhaps you couldn't relate to my scatterbrained thoughts, but I am sorry you're feeling this way and I hope you are able to sort through it soon.