Discussion Will finding love save you from ctb?

[AwakeTooLong]

I know many people regardless of being in a romantic relationship still actively plan on ending it one day. It's something that can exist alongside love, lurking in the background no matter what.

But for me personally, if I had someone that truly did love me, despite all my failures & flaws, it would have a profound effect on me. To the point where it propel me straight into recovery, something that is currently impossible for me right now.

I'm not naive enough to think that it would instantly erase my depression or silence those thoughts overnight. I know the struggle wouldn't disappear. I would most likely still suffer from SI, at least initially, but I know in my heart that if someone did genuinely love me in such a manner and truly wanted me around, it would give me something to hold onto. Something to fight for. I would try my darnedest to get better and maybe, with enough time, enough patience, and love flowing both ways, I'd actually make it through.

Unfortunately for me, it's just another one of my maladaptive daydreams, a fantasy that my mind clings to when reality feels unbearable. I know deep down that no one could love someone like me. I've made too many mistakes, and it's too late for me. Maybe it always was haha.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I've already found love and I still plan on eventually ctbing. I would like to stay with him for a while (and I mean straight up living with him for a bit) before I ctb. The issue is that we don't live in the same country. Travelling down to see him isn't the biggest issue here since we don't love super far away from each other (he's American and I'm Canadian), rather the issue is that I have school in the way and I also don't know how to go there without my family wondering where I'm heading off to. I still live with my mom and my bf is also a lot older than me, so tell her about him is out of the picture (not that she would be too happy about having been talking to men online in the first place). Still, all finding love has done is just postpone my next ctb attempt.

 

[AwakeTooLong]

I've already found love and I still plan on eventually ctbing. I would like to stay with him for a while (and I mean straight up living with him for a bit) before I ctb. The issue is that we don't live in the same country. Travelling down to see him isn't the biggest issue here since we don't love super far away from each other (he's American and I'm Canadian), rather the issue is that I have school in the way and I also don't know how to go there without my family wondering where I'm heading off to. I still live with my mom and my bf is also a lot older than me, so tell her about him is out of the picture (not that she would be too happy about having been talking to men online in the first place). Still, all finding love has done is just postpone my next ctb attempt.

I get that. I know for many people it won't change the reality of the situation.

Do you think it's possible for you to have a change of heart during the time you stay with him physically?

 

[affirmatice]

I don't know because i have experienced mutual love, but my physical reasons for CTB have caused immense insecurity and self-hatred that actively interferes with my ability to be in a relationship.

 

[L'absent]

When you are exhausted by life, by the hardships of life with its petty biology, you feel powerless. You don't even have the strength to commit suicide. A love can be considered a help to allow you to end everything in a more dignified way. It certainly doesn't help me to convince myself to stay in this hell of an existence.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I get that. I know for many people it won't change the reality of the situation.

Do you think it's possible for you to have a change of heart during the time you stay with him physically?

I'm a pretty stubborn person, so probably not. I've wanted to die throughout most of my life and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I am worried about how it might impact him though, since I don't want to hurt him. At the same time, it might be for the best since I feel like he deserves better than me. At the very least, my love for him, along with some other things going on in my life atm, has made it so that I'm willing to postpone it.

 

[divinemistress36]

How do people handle romantic relationships with severe mental illness?

 

[SixNeufUn]

Never experienced "love" and neither feel that I am missing something. I hated myself so much and found myself very ugly and boring since a young age that I numb myself with it. I can have 'crush' and content to have those feelings in my corner and continue my life.

Of course this changes with sport and growing up and even came to like myself in the mirror but it didn't change anything about my thoughts. I don't mind being alone at least for now, and who knows if someone will make me change my vision before I ctb but that's unlikely to happen hehe. Anyway I don't miss that part at all and don't think it will solve anything

 

[JustAnx]

Idk. I have had love several times during my life. I'm alone now. And loneliness is what pains me the most at this stage of my life.
Eventhough i have been loved and i have loved, relationships have also brought more anxiety to me (i have GAD), so idk, it's very complicated to me. I've been without a partner for almost 5 years now.

All i'm able to confirm is when you have someone that loves you (romantic partner), you have to take care of them, respect them and value what they give you. Obviously it goes both ways. But if you find a good man or woman, they love you and you love them, don't let them go… At least don't let them go for minimalistic reasons.
I did, once, and it's on my life's regrets list.

 

[guineapiglover8503]

yes, 100% it would. The sense of intense loneliness is one of the main reasons why I want to CTB. Finding someone who loves me back would honestly give me so much more will to live and might make me throw away the note I've been working on. I've never had the privilege of being in a romantic relationship and seeing the comfort and happiness it gives my friends makes me want it even more

 

[AwakeTooLong]

yes, 100% it would. The sense of intense loneliness is one of the main reasons why I want to CTB. Finding someone who loves me back would honestly give me so much more will to live and might make me throw away the note I've been working on. I've never had the privilege of being in a romantic relationship and seeing the comfort and happiness it gives my friends makes me want it even more

What's keeping you from making it happen?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

The main reason I even want to CTB in the first place is because I am unfit and unworthy of love so yeah I'd say if I suddenly got it I would hope that I would then at least try to live. One of the things that holds me back the most is my own self hatred and I know from experience that the only way for me to even come close to getting rid of it is being in a relationship from the time I came close to having one.

I've still never had one before though and at 30 years old and with zero dating experience it's basically over for me. At this point I'm just a big fat red flag. I don't even care if the benefits are temporary and I know that just having a loving girlfriend won't solve ALL my issues but at least they would finally give me a reason to even care about solving them.

 

[Reflection]

In my case, finding love was, ironically the start of my possible eventual demise...A romantic relationship that ended up leaving me utterly devestated. Still, permanently fixing what once was is still the only thing can save me at this point.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

It might help a little bit, but in the end it's gonna end as always. It always end that way. It's temporary help, unless their presence overpowers your problems, and you try to fight them with 100% of what you've got; that's probably the only way for it to work.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I'd still wish to be dead even if I had romantic love because my issues are inherent to existence itself and experiencing love wouldn't really do anything for me because existence itself would still be the same. That said, I do believe that one of the purest forms of love is assisting a suicidal person to peacefully kill themselves despite the amount of legal and emotional impact that would happen to them. I wish somebody could love me enough to understand my suffering and then use that understanding to then help me peacefully end my suffering

 

[Unspoken7612]

Last summer I went on a very good date on a Saturday. We made plans to meet again. I was floating through the Sunday. She texted me but I didn't read it until Monday, when she said she didn't want to see me again. It was a very sweet message.

I think something that lasted slightly longer than that would be excellent for me and probably motivate me to keep going.

 

[guineapiglover8503]

What's keeping you from making it happen?

well, I'm young, just old enough to be on this site. I also don't have everything such as finances or a note fully set up yet and the few people I am close to I am not ready to disappoint. There is also some stuff I want to do before I CTB so I will at least try and do those things before I CTB.

 

[Innereye]

Piece of the puzzle, health, freedom, finance. all plays a part.

 

[guineapiglover8503]

What's keeping you from making it happen?

also if you were asking about finding a relationship, I am fairly socially awkward and not that conventionally attractive. Beyond that there isn't much but I am just usually too busy to try anything.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to think so but I think I have naive, fairytale ideas around love. I've lived alone for so long now too- 23 years. I'm so used to doing what I want when I want. Not sure how I'd mesh with another person now.

Plus, I'm not sure I could or even want to change now. If someone hugged me now, I'd likely burst into tears- which I imagine would worry them! I just think either they would become deeply worried but wouldn't be able to help and I'd have to fake being ok, so that they didn't worry. Or, they'd just end up getting oversaturated with it all and not caring. Which would be super hurtful and lonely.

Realistically, I think suicide is more likely than not to be on the cards for me too. So, it feels unfair to form relationships knowing that- even if I was attractive enough to do that! Plus, the last thing I want is more tethers keeping me here.

I suppose the fairytale would be that we'd fall mutually in love, live through rainbows day after day and I wouldn't even be considering suicide anymore. Still- I have 34 years of ideation accumulated. That's an awful lot of well trodden neural pathways to overcome. Not sure even love can conquer that. It sort of feels like who I am now. Maybe I could change for a bit but, I doubt it would last.

 

[gonegal95]

For me in particular yes love could save me, but only theory, because I have dysthymia. So in reality, love won't save me, because this isn't actually how love works. Im essentially using somebody to survive. My poor mental health poisons any love I could possibly experience. Major reason I'm CTB is that my life has always been and will always be doomed to not experience love. I was not born into a loving family. Im vulnerable. I attract abusive people who use me. I'm retarded and can't defend myself. The few times I have had love in my life, I'm too overwhelming and I get promptly discarded. Which happened to me recently. I don't want to experience this again. But I can't just forgo the human need for love. So I'm forgoing life in general.

 

[AwakeTooLong]

also if you were asking about finding a relationship, I am fairly socially awkward and not that conventionally attractive. Beyond that there isn't much but I am just usually too busy to try anything.

I was referring to finding someone, yes. There are plenty of people out there in loving relationships, who would label themselves in the same vain, and you're still young so you shouldn't count it off your cards yet, unless you had some insanely high standards.

I used to think so but I think I have naive, fairytale ideas around love. I've lived alone for so long now too- 23 years. I'm so used to doing what I want when I want. Not sure how I'd mesh with another person now.

Plus, I'm not sure I could or even want to change now. If someone hugged me now, I'd likely burst into tears- which I imagine would worry them! I just think either they would become deeply worried but wouldn't be able to help and I'd have to fake being ok, so that they didn't worry. Or, they'd just end up getting oversaturated with it all and not caring. Which would be super hurtful and lonely.

Realistically, I think suicide is more likely than not to be on the cards for me too. So, it feels unfair to form relationships knowing that- even if I was attractive enough to do that! Plus, the last thing I want is more tethers keeping me here.

I suppose the fairytale would be that we'd fall mutually in love, live through rainbows day after day and I wouldn't even be considering suicide anymore. Still- I have 34 years of ideation accumulated. That's an awful lot of well trodden neural pathways to overcome. Not sure even love can conquer that. It sort of feels like who I am now. Maybe I could change for a bit but, I doubt it would last.

So, have you completely resigned yourself from actively pursuing relationships in general?

 

[everydaythesame]

I would imagine that finding love is one of the biggest reasons why people are on here.

 

[etherealspring]

definitely not, a romantic relationship is not going to solve your issues. speaking from experience, as someone who once naively thought that love could heal me

 

[AwakeTooLong]

For me in particular yes love could save me, but only theory, because I have dysthymia. So in reality, love won't save me, because this isn't actually how love works. Im essentially using somebody to survive. My poor mental health poisons any love I could possibly experience. Major reason I'm CTB is that my life has always been and will always be doomed to not experience love. I was not born into a loving family. Im vulnerable. I attract abusive people who use me. I'm retarded and can't defend myself. The few times I have had love in my life, I'm too overwhelming and I get promptly discarded. Which happened to me recently. I don't want to experience this again. But I can't just forgo the human need for love. So I'm forgoing life in general.

I can relate with that on so many levels. I'm the kind of person that loves too hard and if I were to ever get into a relationship, the other person would most likely be overwhelmed so going through what you did used to be one of my fears when it came to dating, until I gave up on the idea entirely.

 

[anopenwound]

Love is not safe for me. Which is the main reason why I wanna do this. Love absolutely can't save me.

 

[mango-meridian]

I feel like basing my decision to live on whether I find love is too much pressure for a partner. So I try not to think this way. I'm just gonna keep trying to recover and if I find love along the way, great.

 

[lwovely]

Love won't solve everything, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four months and I still feel the urge to CTB. He is a sweet guy and will do anything you ask to make you happy however I know he cannot take this pain away from me. No matter how many dates, cuddles, or time spent together, I will always go back home having to face my illness. Love is temporary and my partner could leave any time he wanted. I'm either dating him to marry or dating to simply break up. These suicidal thoughts and my depression is something I will have to deal with alone however I don't know if I can handle it anymore.

 

[WildAtHeart]

I've already found love and she's the only thing stopping me right now. I don't want to kill myself but everything is so overwhelming. She is the one lifeline I have.

 

[RottenMutt]

honestly? depends on the reason for wanting to cbt. i love my fiance, she's the absolute love of my life. the only reason for me clinging on at the moment. but i am still considering ctb, because i have schizoaffective disorder and even with my meds i still have regular episodes of psychosis. i am one of the rarer cases where my psychosis makes me very violent. i fear i am going to kill her or someone else. its a miracle i haven't gotten into legal trouble yet with all that i've done.