When I feel depressed, sometimes I imagine myself in a worse person's situation and try to work that situation out so I can feel better about my current problems and solving them. It's like imagining being a version of me with more despair than I currently have, then fixing the situation so I can work out the real despair.
It's not really working for me anymore, so I started wondering something else.
I don't mean to be rude, but I don't understand how someone like a criminal or a monstrous human being can find the will to live. I don't know what people do with themselves once they've lost their job, community, home, family etc., over their own actions. I feel like assessing this made me want to be more forgiving towards people who fall this far, but the world at large is not forgiving and wouldn't care if those people decide it's time to go. (I don't want to sound like I think I'm better than btw, I feel like a sack of shit and I won't ever be afraid to admit that I suck ass.)
I see online that there are some people who do weird or awful things and get mass humiliated as their lives get worse, which makes me wonder why they want to wake up in the morning. I see people on sites like Quora ask what they should do if their lives are ruined and they get told to live it out or wait for death or "start from scratch and rebuild". It makes me weirdly angry and makes me want to advocate for MAiD being accessible for all regardless of their health.
Why is the solution always to live it out? Who do I owe it to to stay alive, especially when no one cares if I live or not? Why do I have to "wait" for death? Why do I have to rebuild when everything that makes life worth living isn't there anymore and never coming back? Why do people think that you should just like being isolated and do meaningless things all day like watch a show and eat or nap endlessly? What's the point of reflecting on your awful behavior or poor choices every day as if it'll make anything easier? Either you will accept your awful self and not hate yourself as much, resulting in a dissociation between you and your unfortunate/unforgivable actions, or you will never accept yourself and live miserable forever. It's genuinely inhumane putting people in this cycle of misery even if they deserve it. If I were in a situation where I lost more than I already have, I would only be set on taking myself out and not trying to feel even a little better.
I don't know what a person who was released from a prison as a felon, for example, would do with themselves. Way too many years of life lost, maybe a heartbroken family or two because of you, no societal support, no more good jobs, no personal belongings and the rest of your life will be harder until you meet the grave. Like, how do you not feel sick? How do you just… want to exist as yourself?
Do you just entirely stop caring about real life and just live in your head? If that's the answer, then how does anyone expect them to become better people or even remotely functional? They'll just be trapped in their home like a zoo animal or become addicts, or commit another crime, or act defensively and abusively to other people, or simply become crazy.
And I know some people also say "they just have something wrong in their head" that makes them want to be horrible but want to stick around. But if that's the case, why encourage them to "stick it out until the end" or even try to rebuild when they simply cannot in any capacity? Why has no one found a solution to someone being that wrong in the mind that doesn't involve psychological torture?
I just don't know. I feel hopeless, almost like my life has been tarnished to the same degree as someone released from a jail cell. I wonder what I'd do if I really lost everything due to doing something seriously wrong, but because I don't think I can come up with any answer that isn't CTB, I don't know how to solve my current issues. So now, my verdict on CTB in that fake scenario is starting to also make sense for my real scenario.
It's not really working for me anymore, so I started wondering something else.
I don't mean to be rude, but I don't understand how someone like a criminal or a monstrous human being can find the will to live. I don't know what people do with themselves once they've lost their job, community, home, family etc., over their own actions. I feel like assessing this made me want to be more forgiving towards people who fall this far, but the world at large is not forgiving and wouldn't care if those people decide it's time to go. (I don't want to sound like I think I'm better than btw, I feel like a sack of shit and I won't ever be afraid to admit that I suck ass.)
I see online that there are some people who do weird or awful things and get mass humiliated as their lives get worse, which makes me wonder why they want to wake up in the morning. I see people on sites like Quora ask what they should do if their lives are ruined and they get told to live it out or wait for death or "start from scratch and rebuild". It makes me weirdly angry and makes me want to advocate for MAiD being accessible for all regardless of their health.
Why is the solution always to live it out? Who do I owe it to to stay alive, especially when no one cares if I live or not? Why do I have to "wait" for death? Why do I have to rebuild when everything that makes life worth living isn't there anymore and never coming back? Why do people think that you should just like being isolated and do meaningless things all day like watch a show and eat or nap endlessly? What's the point of reflecting on your awful behavior or poor choices every day as if it'll make anything easier? Either you will accept your awful self and not hate yourself as much, resulting in a dissociation between you and your unfortunate/unforgivable actions, or you will never accept yourself and live miserable forever. It's genuinely inhumane putting people in this cycle of misery even if they deserve it. If I were in a situation where I lost more than I already have, I would only be set on taking myself out and not trying to feel even a little better.
I don't know what a person who was released from a prison as a felon, for example, would do with themselves. Way too many years of life lost, maybe a heartbroken family or two because of you, no societal support, no more good jobs, no personal belongings and the rest of your life will be harder until you meet the grave. Like, how do you not feel sick? How do you just… want to exist as yourself?
Do you just entirely stop caring about real life and just live in your head? If that's the answer, then how does anyone expect them to become better people or even remotely functional? They'll just be trapped in their home like a zoo animal or become addicts, or commit another crime, or act defensively and abusively to other people, or simply become crazy.
And I know some people also say "they just have something wrong in their head" that makes them want to be horrible but want to stick around. But if that's the case, why encourage them to "stick it out until the end" or even try to rebuild when they simply cannot in any capacity? Why has no one found a solution to someone being that wrong in the mind that doesn't involve psychological torture?
I just don't know. I feel hopeless, almost like my life has been tarnished to the same degree as someone released from a jail cell. I wonder what I'd do if I really lost everything due to doing something seriously wrong, but because I don't think I can come up with any answer that isn't CTB, I don't know how to solve my current issues. So now, my verdict on CTB in that fake scenario is starting to also make sense for my real scenario.
