My work is stalking me. They may even be reading this post.
A bit over 3 years ago my job was destroying me mentally. In particular the psychotic behaviors of my boss were beating me down. I was struggling to sleep. I would go through cycles of not being able to eat than over eating. I was drinking 3 to 4 monster energy drinks a day. My boss made to feel worthless. He treated me like an idiot. He told me no one was on my side and he was the only reason I still had a job. He made me question reality itself with constant lies, he would tell me to do something stupid I'd tell him why it was stupid as politely as possible then he'd scream at me about how smart he is and tell me to do any way than when it blew up in our face he'd blame me and act like it was all my fault and not his idea. He steal credit for my ideas or work. After years of this I was at my breaking point.
I went to his bosses and they told me they never say this behavior so they would help me. Things continued to get worse and during a big project I lost it. Unfortunately I lashed out at the wrong person. I went out to lunch at a fast food joint, I went through the drive through and they told me my food wasn't ready and to pull up to the door. I did this but the person behind me didn't get the memo. When they got their food they pulled up to my bumper and started honking. In the end they hit the horn at least a hundred times. When the lady came out with my food the person behind me was magically unstuck and pulled around my car to scream incoherently through my window. I was fuming mad. Unfortunately we were both going the same way, on any other day I would've been going the opposite direction but I needed to stop at home before going back to the office. The ass behind me was now in front of me they reached the stop light before me and stopped behind a line of cars. I moved to the right lane then all of a sudden they moved into the right lane and slammed on there brakes so as to brake check me. At this point I learned what it meant to go red with rage. I lost control of my mental faculties and slapped them across the cheek through there open car window. Needless to say I earned a well deserved assault conviction for my actions.
The the treatment I received at work for some reason they decided to keep me even though a criminal conviction should have gotten me fired. I was required to sign a form that stated I would no longer be allowed on the premises of certain facilities, I had to maintain therapy, I had to fulfill the obligation of my sentencing by the court, and any further violations of the law or work policy would lead to immediate termination. That all was very fair.
The thing is when the police came for me I was hacked with guilt and I wanted to kill myself. The police decided to send me to be an inpatient at a psychiatric facility but put a warrant out for my arrest to make sure I came to court afterwards. When I got out I went to court signed some paper and the warrant was supposed to be closed but it wasn't. I was later arrested in a humiliating fashion on that warrant. I can't saw I didn't deserve it but that moment created a fear that at any moment the police could come in and destroy my life because of the past, because some paper work wasn't filled out.
When you add that experience to knowing I was on thin ice at work and that my criminal record could prevent me from many jobs or housing opportunities plus a general fear that people will see me as evil or a monster, well it all added up to a lot of fear paranoia and distrust of others.
I don't know the full story of what happened next. Maybe people at work other than management found out about my conviction or maybe my shakey fearful state made people think I did something wrong but I noticed a change in how people were treating me. I noticed there fear and discomfort. People became more distant, some would smile and say high while visibly pulling into themselves and having fear in there eyes. I asked management for reassurance and through all of this they kept telling me I'm doing great and everything is fine.
The problem is I keep over hearing things. Like details of my court case and accusations. I've heard coworkers claim all kinds of things I've heard then accuse me of being on drugs or of commiting a variety of heinous sex crimes. These allegations stunned me, they make no sense and seem to come from no where. With the assurance of management I convinced myself I misheard or that paranoia caused me to misinterpret things.
That was until a couple weeks ago. During a particularly bad bout of anxiety I was looking up information on suicide on my work computer. I went to the bathroom and when I got back I heard a conversation where one participant was practically screaming the details of my search history. You might say what's the problem, it's your own fault for leaving it up while you used the bathroom? The problem is I'm an IT admin, my office has a camera and no one entered my office well I was out. Furthermore I'm aware of our firewall and filtering protocols. The only way they could have known was if they were monitoring my computer or network traffic outside of normal work channels. Over the next few days I heard multiple conversations about my search history. I even started Google searching my thoughts or odd things to see if I got a reaction.
All was well and good until I heard a conversation that involved search history on my personal phone made outside of work hours. Over a few weeks of probing and listing it appears my work has access to my personal phone, and my personal computer. They can see my text and unsent email drafts meaning that it's some kind of screen capture software. I'm unable to locate it in the system.
At this point, I feel unsafe. The panopticon is watching me and anything I say or do can and will be taken out of context and used against me. I don't know who to trust and suicide seems to be the only way out. This hell is of my own creation I deserve it for the assault case but it's taken to much of a toll on me I see no future for my life and I want out.
Hopefully this wasn't too rambling and made sense it's hard to condense years into a few paragraphs
A bit over 3 years ago my job was destroying me mentally. In particular the psychotic behaviors of my boss were beating me down. I was struggling to sleep. I would go through cycles of not being able to eat than over eating. I was drinking 3 to 4 monster energy drinks a day. My boss made to feel worthless. He treated me like an idiot. He told me no one was on my side and he was the only reason I still had a job. He made me question reality itself with constant lies, he would tell me to do something stupid I'd tell him why it was stupid as politely as possible then he'd scream at me about how smart he is and tell me to do any way than when it blew up in our face he'd blame me and act like it was all my fault and not his idea. He steal credit for my ideas or work. After years of this I was at my breaking point.
I went to his bosses and they told me they never say this behavior so they would help me. Things continued to get worse and during a big project I lost it. Unfortunately I lashed out at the wrong person. I went out to lunch at a fast food joint, I went through the drive through and they told me my food wasn't ready and to pull up to the door. I did this but the person behind me didn't get the memo. When they got their food they pulled up to my bumper and started honking. In the end they hit the horn at least a hundred times. When the lady came out with my food the person behind me was magically unstuck and pulled around my car to scream incoherently through my window. I was fuming mad. Unfortunately we were both going the same way, on any other day I would've been going the opposite direction but I needed to stop at home before going back to the office. The ass behind me was now in front of me they reached the stop light before me and stopped behind a line of cars. I moved to the right lane then all of a sudden they moved into the right lane and slammed on there brakes so as to brake check me. At this point I learned what it meant to go red with rage. I lost control of my mental faculties and slapped them across the cheek through there open car window. Needless to say I earned a well deserved assault conviction for my actions.
The the treatment I received at work for some reason they decided to keep me even though a criminal conviction should have gotten me fired. I was required to sign a form that stated I would no longer be allowed on the premises of certain facilities, I had to maintain therapy, I had to fulfill the obligation of my sentencing by the court, and any further violations of the law or work policy would lead to immediate termination. That all was very fair.
The thing is when the police came for me I was hacked with guilt and I wanted to kill myself. The police decided to send me to be an inpatient at a psychiatric facility but put a warrant out for my arrest to make sure I came to court afterwards. When I got out I went to court signed some paper and the warrant was supposed to be closed but it wasn't. I was later arrested in a humiliating fashion on that warrant. I can't saw I didn't deserve it but that moment created a fear that at any moment the police could come in and destroy my life because of the past, because some paper work wasn't filled out.
When you add that experience to knowing I was on thin ice at work and that my criminal record could prevent me from many jobs or housing opportunities plus a general fear that people will see me as evil or a monster, well it all added up to a lot of fear paranoia and distrust of others.
I don't know the full story of what happened next. Maybe people at work other than management found out about my conviction or maybe my shakey fearful state made people think I did something wrong but I noticed a change in how people were treating me. I noticed there fear and discomfort. People became more distant, some would smile and say high while visibly pulling into themselves and having fear in there eyes. I asked management for reassurance and through all of this they kept telling me I'm doing great and everything is fine.
The problem is I keep over hearing things. Like details of my court case and accusations. I've heard coworkers claim all kinds of things I've heard then accuse me of being on drugs or of commiting a variety of heinous sex crimes. These allegations stunned me, they make no sense and seem to come from no where. With the assurance of management I convinced myself I misheard or that paranoia caused me to misinterpret things.
That was until a couple weeks ago. During a particularly bad bout of anxiety I was looking up information on suicide on my work computer. I went to the bathroom and when I got back I heard a conversation where one participant was practically screaming the details of my search history. You might say what's the problem, it's your own fault for leaving it up while you used the bathroom? The problem is I'm an IT admin, my office has a camera and no one entered my office well I was out. Furthermore I'm aware of our firewall and filtering protocols. The only way they could have known was if they were monitoring my computer or network traffic outside of normal work channels. Over the next few days I heard multiple conversations about my search history. I even started Google searching my thoughts or odd things to see if I got a reaction.
All was well and good until I heard a conversation that involved search history on my personal phone made outside of work hours. Over a few weeks of probing and listing it appears my work has access to my personal phone, and my personal computer. They can see my text and unsent email drafts meaning that it's some kind of screen capture software. I'm unable to locate it in the system.
At this point, I feel unsafe. The panopticon is watching me and anything I say or do can and will be taken out of context and used against me. I don't know who to trust and suicide seems to be the only way out. This hell is of my own creation I deserve it for the assault case but it's taken to much of a toll on me I see no future for my life and I want out.
Hopefully this wasn't too rambling and made sense it's hard to condense years into a few paragraphs
