Story Work will set you free

[Makko]

Not sure if this post is worth the disproportionately huge effort it took to write it, but there's no point in joining this site just to muck up other people's threads, so here goes.

I've lurked for a few months before joining, reading about methods and people's experiences. I appreciate the heartfelt disposition of the people in this community and the unsugared honesty of their confessions. Most who write here are in deep trouble. Crippling depression, chronic pain, degenerative illness, financial destitution, domestic and sexual abuse, the works. Just about every misfortune that could befall a person is represented. I don't have any of that.

There are many complaints about the burden of having to pretend. Pretend to be happy when you're sad. Pretend you care when you don't. Pretend you don't care, when you do. I have the opposite problem. Being fake is easy and being genuine is hard. I can roleplay just about anything, as long as I don't have to reveal what I actually feel or think. I've ever revealed my genuine thoughts and feelings in person to anyone in my life. Not once. On rare occasions, I've tried posting them anonymously online. That produced me some awkward responses. This forum is no different. Maybe this one thread will be?

I feel like an alien in exile. People are like a different, disguisting species. This is not a philosophical standpoint. It's the physical things. The way they look, move, smell and sound. It's intolerable. It's the same feeling I'd guess most others get when they see an extremely enlarged picture of some slimy, wriggly slug or other crawlie. Nobody can or should be engaged with. Nothing feels real. And I don't have anything to blame this on. It was like this to start with. I'd escape into the mountains and never meet a person again, if my body was hardy enough for such a life. It grieves me deeply that it isn't.

So I've been evading people and their unwelcome affections ever since I gained self-awareness. I don't touch or get touched by anyone at all except at the hairdresser. People fill their lives with each other, and since I can't do that, instead I fill life with work. I used to work 100% and study 200% until I got five different degrees. I thought that would make me look diligent to employers, but I was advised to leave out at least two of those degrees from my resume. Apparently it didn't exactly make me look diligent, it rather made me look disturbed. So now I don't study anymore, instead I just work as long as I'm awake, without holidays or vacations. Except for maybe an hour in the evening for relaxing at home. I'm a final stage workaholic. There are no 12 step programs because ain't nobody wasting good working hours on that. Seeing my monthly results feels pretty great. Almost as great as coming home and having a little time to myself. But not too much time, or I'd derealize completely.

A bit of background is that I moved from East Asia to Europe with my immediate family when I was about 11, with a large extended family left in Asia. Since then, my parents have left, but I'm still here at 28. Now I don't have anyone here. No family, no friends, nothing. There's no bonding with people for me, and that doesn't bother me. It does bother me that it doesn't bother me. Being 100% alone is a very weak position to be in. It turns the simplest practical things into a menace and in the long term it will be my undoing. I don't want to enjoy it. But I enjoy it in the same way some people enjoy alcohol and heroin, so there won't be "just go home" or "just find someone" for me. Being sober is worse than the addiction.

All that being said, I'm not suicidal, at least not currently, but I reflect a lot on the topic of suicide. I enjoy coming up with more or less fanciful methods that would make death an exciting experience. My life is stable now, but it will take very little for everything to fall apart, and when that happens, I need to have something up my sleeve.

I'm not the only one here like this, am I? Come on.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I'm like this but with a much lower intelligence and without the work ethic.

 

[tpurced]

I felt similar about work/education as you, some time ago. Back then I put my all into studying and my education and during that time I felt pretty happy when results were good. It functioned like a distraction for me, away from my depression and anxiety. It was literally the only thing that I did, neglecting a lot of other important stuff.

But it didn't really work out in the long run for me though, since as you said; it will only take very little for it to crash down. It felt like I realized how and why I did it which I hadn't before. Luckily I found this place though!

Anyways I also wanted to say; Hello

 

[Symbiote]

I feel you Makko, I'm in the middle of switching jobs to a much higher paying one, and the interviews have been stressful. Only thing I could ever relate in my life was my line of work that I do. Hobbies and weird intricacies I could never connect with other people. People love Game of Thrones, I didn't finish Season 1. People have sports teams, I don't watch many of them except on Championship Day. Seen the newest movie? Nah, I rarely go to the theater and don't catch up the new movies until I'm on a long distance flight. The lack of connection with society in general makes me quite an oddball at times, but yet I managed to do well in life to where a strong work ethic has led me down to marriage, owning a home, and graduating college with zero debt.

Sometimes I think it's a phase in life and that it gets better, but life likes to throw you through a gauntlet. I annoy people at times and I sometimes lack tact. I feel guilt and shame. I have a troubled childhood and past. It's all I see and remember which drowns out my accomplishments. Makes me suicidal and guilty for being suicidal because most people don't have what I have had. Members of a suicide forum may discriminate, but suicide and depression doesn't. Takes down the best of us and the worst of us.

 

[262653]

I feel the opposite, and would rather off myself than go to work, in the same way I'd rather jump from a burning building than to burn alive inside of it. So ultimately it can really set me free, albeit in a less direct way.

 

[aneurysm]

I just wanted to tell you that I particularly like reading your posts.
also, would you mind telling me what degrees you hold or what your job is?

 

[ThePainIsntSoBad]

I actually liked studying in college at times, it kept my brain occupied from my demons and it was like solving a puzzle and getting it right after all the work was gratifying, for a time.

I dropped out because I have severe OCD rumination to the point where I was rereading, doubting if I actually get it, rereading, repeating thoughts that never had an end, so I couldn't learn anymore.

Also, I realized even if I am the smartest and fastest at what I do, I can't do it in front of people, and real life work is water cooler social stuff. So I just quit before suffering the inevitable doom, self fulfilling prophecy I guess? Like dumping a girlfriend before she leaves you.

But I can't stand my own company so being alone doesn't work well either lol I'm truly fucked, that is why I truly believe I will pursue CTB again and again, it's all I think about and it's the only solution.

it just sucks that so many people are against it, I grew up a "good boy" and always did what I was told, so it's tough for me to go against the norm and commit taboo for my own well being.

The rope is under my bed, I need to fucking do it already instead of posting "IM GON DO IT" lol

 

[Silver]

Didn't really understand this post but I understand not understanding other people and observing others like they are another species,I really understand dogs better than humans and they (humans) are back stabbing, deceiving, out to exploit you, in a way I'm ashamed to be a human, some are beautiful people, others are so bad and evil.

 

[life-eternal]

I'm kind of like you, but much stupider and impulsive lol. You sound like you have done excellent work man, i hope you're proud of it, i know i would be in your situation, seriously.

I finished my degree while working too, but after that i stopped studying. I tried to get into a Masters program, but everytime i was rejected as my marks weren't high enough. I'm 30 and have had 4 different jobs, every single one i ended up resigning after 2 years. I too was a workaholic as my life became so damn empty, but eventually i took up drinking and stopped caring about work, so i was just going to the office and trying my best to not get fired and managed to do alright for a fucking drunk. I quit my job end of last year, and now my savings are completely ruined :D I guess now i have to start looking for another job zzz cycle repeats

 

[Mentalmick]

Scottish man here. What the fuck is a job?

 

[KleinerWolf]

I'm slightly bitter it didn't set me free in my case but then again not many people are in a similar situation like mine.

 

[Silver]

@Mentalmick oh, have you got a WCS?

 

[Mentalmick]

@Mentalmick oh, have you got a WCS?

What's a wcs?

 

[Silver]

I'm slightly bitter it didn't set me free in my case but then again not many people are in a similar situation like mine.

"Work sets you free" is a fallacy that enslaves ppl in menial low paid work while they hope they'll get rich through good luck

What's a wcs?

Working-type cocker spaniel

 

[Mentalmick]

"Work sets you free" is a fallacy that enslaves ppl in menial low paid work while they hope they'll get rich through good luck

Working-type cocker spaniel

No, all my dogs were springers. Thick as two planks but very loving. That's ollie in my picture.

 

[KleinerWolf]

"Work sets you free" is a fallacy that enslaves ppl in menial low paid work while they hope they'll get rich through good luck

Working-type cocker spaniel

Imagine being Chinese citizen and not even having work rights.

 

[Silver]

No, all my dogs were springers. Thick as two planks but very loving. That's ollie in my picture.

Oh dear, I'm sorry. I had a show-type cocker but sadly lost him to cancer

Imagine being Chinese citizen and not even having work rights.

I hope your time in NZ will give you the right to live there, will it not?

 

[KleinerWolf]

I hope your time in NZ will give you the right to live there, will it not?

*Laughs in SN*

 

[Silver]

*Laughs in SN*

:(

 

[KleinerWolf]

:(

It's gonna be alright,
I'll figure it out.

thank you for your kind words though Silver.

 

[Makko]

I appreciate all these responses. Expected a quieter thread. I couldn't answer everyone, but I did my best below.

I'm like this but with a much lower intelligence and without the work ethic.

You don't need to be smart to do Rasengan. You also don't need to be smart to do anything that matters to finding happiness.

The work ethic part might make things hard though, true.

I felt similar about work/education as you, some time ago. Back then I put my all into studying and my education and during that time I felt pretty happy when results were good. It functioned like a distraction for me, away from my depression and anxiety. It was literally the only thing that I did, neglecting a lot of other important stuff.

But it didn't really work out in the long run for me though, since as you said; it will only take very little for it to crash down. It felt like I realized how and why I did it which I hadn't before. Luckily I found this place though!

Anyways I also wanted to say; Hello

Glad to see a common experience. The difference is that I don't have anything important to neglect.

I feel you Makko, I'm in the middle of switching jobs to a much higher paying one, and the interviews have been stressful. Only thing I could ever relate in my life was my line of work that I do. Hobbies and weird intricacies I could never connect with other people. People love Game of Thrones, I didn't finish Season 1. People have sports teams, I don't watch many of them except on Championship Day. Seen the newest movie? Nah, I rarely go to the theater and don't catch up the new movies until I'm on a long distance flight. The lack of connection with society in general makes me quite an oddball at times, but yet I managed to do well in life to where a strong work ethic has led me down to marriage, owning a home, and graduating college with zero debt.

Sometimes I think it's a phase in life and that it gets better, but life likes to throw you through a gauntlet. I annoy people at times and I sometimes lack tact. I feel guilt and shame. I have a troubled childhood and past. It's all I see and remember which drowns out my accomplishments. Makes me suicidal and guilty for being suicidal because most people don't have what I have had. Members of a suicide forum may discriminate, but suicide and depression doesn't. Takes down the best of us and the worst of us.

Found that the appeal of work is not so much about having, but about doing. Being absorbed in the process of the work and in the fantasies of your (potential) future as super-CEO or whatever. It's true, past achievements don't warm the heart at all. It's the future ones that do.

I don't watch TV or movies since about middle school. At all. I have to pretend that I do, though. Some people watch more than others, but I had to find out that not watching at all is a sign of disturbance and not socially acceptable.

I feel the opposite, and would rather off myself than go to work, in the same way I'd rather jump from a burning building than to burn alive inside of it. So ultimately it can really set me free, albeit in a less direct way.

Work is truly the saviour of us all in its many gentle ways.

I actually liked studying in college at times, it kept my brain occupied from my demons and it was like solving a puzzle and getting it right after all the work was gratifying, for a time.

I dropped out because I have severe OCD rumination to the point where I was rereading, doubting if I actually get it, rereading, repeating thoughts that never had an end, so I couldn't learn anymore.

Also, I realized even if I am the smartest and fastest at what I do, I can't do it in front of people, and real life work is water cooler social stuff. So I just quit before suffering the inevitable doom, self fulfilling prophecy I guess? Like dumping a girlfriend before she leaves you.

But I can't stand my own company so being alone doesn't work well either lol I'm truly fucked, that is why I truly believe I will pursue CTB again and again, it's all I think about and it's the only solution.

it just sucks that so many people are against it, I grew up a "good boy" and always did what I was told, so it's tough for me to go against the norm and commit taboo for my own well being.

The rope is under my bed, I need to fucking do it already instead of posting "IM GON DO IT" lol

You can make it if you only hate being social, or if you only hate solitude, but not if you hate both.

On the topic of obedience to parents, mine thought I was perfect. Turned out that I wasn't obedient because I was in any way loyal to them, but only because I wanted to avoid conflict. As soon as I was no longer financially dependent, I cut contact. Suddenly I was just gone. Whoosh. You should try it, if you can afford it. It's like phyically growing wings.

I just wanted to tell you that I particularly like reading your posts.
also, would you mind telling me what degrees you hold or what your job is?

Business law. All the degrees are related. It's the perfect career for lifelong loners because it heavily punishes any kind of life outside of work, and heavily rewards anyone who has no life outside of work.

I'm kind of like you, but much stupider and impulsive lol. You sound like you have done excellent work man, i hope you're proud of it, i know i would be in your situation, seriously.

I finished my degree while working too, but after that i stopped studying. I tried to get into a Masters program, but everytime i was rejected as my marks weren't high enough. I'm 30 and have had 4 different jobs, every single one i ended up resigning after 2 years. I too was a workaholic as my life became so damn empty, but eventually i took up drinking and stopped caring about work, so i was just going to the office and trying my best to not get fired and managed to do alright for a fucking drunk. I quit my job end of last year, and now my savings are completely ruined :D I guess now i have to start looking for another job zzz cycle repeats

Addiction to work is pretty much like addiction to alcohol, I'd guess (I haven't had the latter). It absorbs your life in about the same way. The main benefit of having a long attention span and sticking to work addiction is that it brings money rather than drains it. Addiction to alcohol or drugs when you're poor must really suck. But I believe you can live as long as you can feed an addiction to at least one thing. It's when even that last one pleasure goes away, that you're in real trouble.

"Work sets you free" is a fallacy that enslaves ppl in menial low paid work while they hope they'll get rich through good luck

 

[aneurysm]

On the topic of obedience to parents, mine thought I was perfect. Turned out that I wasn't obedient because I was in any way loyal to them, but only because I wanted to avoid conflict. As soon as I was no longer financially dependent, I cut contact. Suddenly I was just gone. Whoosh. You should try it, if you can afford it. It's like phyically growing wings.

Wish I had the intelligence to do that.

 

[WornOutLife]

Oh yeah, I remember when I was so busy studying and working that I could barely thought about CTB.
Now it's only work and being depressed but I still won't ctb.

As for the human beings, that's an interesting point of view. We're certainly disgusting if you see it that way.

 

[262653]

Work is truly the saviour of us all in its many gentle ways.

If the process is enjoyable perhaps, and doesn't make one systematically distressed, wanting to kill or maim oneself, or someone else.

I used to farm a lot in mmorpgs. I guess one could call it a work in a sense of it consuming all the time, effort and thought processes. At times about 10 hours per day while keeping a few farm bots in a windowed mode. Would make more bots if my PC had more processing power. I was glad when I finally dropped out of it.

I do think that work might be the best thing we can potentially do. That's what a lot of people spend about half their awake time, so it better be something enjoyable, or doesn't suck at the very least.

I understand that we are different, and if work works out for you, that's wonderful. I'm glad to hear that you've found people with common experience here.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

You don't need to be smart to do Rasengan. You also don't need to be smart to do anything that matters to finding happiness.

The work ethic part might make things hard though, true.

The entire anime was just shadow clones and rasengan, the little shit knew like two jutsus

I agree with the happiness part to a large extent. I had an ok work ethic until highschool since I wanted to become an engineer but now it looks like I'm going to live with my parents until I ctb since I can't get through any education or job. At least suicide can be cheap.

 

[ClairyFairy]

Whatever intelligence you think you have that title and the picture outside the deathcamp show at best a lack of common sense and at worst you're devoid of a moral compass. Either way they completely negate anything you had to say that was worth listening to

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well the happiest I ever was while doing any work was because I was in love with my coworker plus the work itself was simple enough that I didn't have to think too hard because I hate thinking. Too bad that didn't work out though.

 

[Makko]

Wish I had the intelligence to do that.

It's more about emotional detachment than intelligence. I noticed people really have a hard time cutting ties with parents, even abusive ones, because they're still major people in your life that mean a lot to you, even if it's a lot of bad things. It's a lot simpler to get away if you only ever viewed parents as food and shelter providers. Then, as soon as you can afford your own stuff, there's no reason to stick around people who think they can dictate your life to you.

Oh yeah, I remember when I was so busy studying and working that I could barely thought about CTB.
Now it's only work and being depressed but I still won't ctb.

As for the human beings, that's an interesting point of view. We're certainly disgusting if you see it that way.

It's very effective though, isn't it? Still alive just because can't fit those suicide plans into my Outlook calendar.

If the process is enjoyable perhaps, and doesn't make one systematically distressed, wanting to kill or maim oneself, or someone else.

I used to farm a lot in mmorpgs. I guess one could call it a work in a sense of it consuming all the time, effort and thought processes. At times about 10 hours per day while keeping a few farm bots in a windowed mode. Would make more bots if my PC had more processing power. I was glad when I finally dropped out of it.

I do think that work might be the best thing we can potentially do. That's what a lot of people spend about half their awake time, so it better be something enjoyable, or doesn't suck at the very least.

I understand that we are different, and if work works out for you, that's wonderful. I'm glad to hear that you've found people with common experience here.

I used to play some MMOs in high school, but I wasn't very competitive. For me it was more a glorified chatroom, and the gameplay was just for the immersion. Low level areas in World of Warcraft were really comfy, especially the undead one. I used to cast water walking and run around on that foggy lake outside of the undead city, it was meditative. Good times.

What you say about farming is on the spot, especially the part where you say you were glad you dropped out. You must have noticed that you're not really playing for the enjoyment, but to satisfy an obsession. Increasing levels, or gold, or any other easily quantifiable results. That's the same appeal as work is to workaholics. I don't work around the clock because I enjoy work. I work around the clock because I'm obsessed and can't tear myself away. I can't enjoy a vacation because I'll spend the whole vacation thinking about all the hours I could have billed if I had stayed at work.

The entire anime was just shadow clones and rasengan, the little shit knew like two jutsus

I agree with the happiness part to a large extent. I had an ok work ethic until highschool since I wanted to become an engineer but now it looks like I'm going to live with my parents until I ctb since I can't get through any education or job. At least suicide can be cheap.

It really sucks to fail your ambitions, especially if those ambitions were realistic and achievable and you did your best to get there. They say "fall down seven times, stand up eight", but I really don't get how that works. I know myself well enough to understand that if I fall down once I'm 100% going to stay down. That's sort of why I'm on this site. Gotta prepare for the inevitable. I might fall down tomorrow or in 40 years, but it's going to happen.

Whatever intelligence you think you have that title and the picture outside the deathcamp show at best a lack of common sense and at worst you're devoid of a moral compass. Either way they completely negate anything you had to say that was worth listening to

I never claimed having intelligence. It's other people who said that. Obviously they're wrong because I don't understand your complaint. You don't think the message on the gate to Auschwitz, with everything that entails, is a good analogy to modern wage slavery?

Well the happiest I ever was while doing any work was because I was in love with my coworker plus the work itself was simple enough that I didn't have to think too hard because I hate thinking. Too bad that didn't work out though.

At least it was still happiness, even if temporary. Even if you don't like working itself, it can provide context for other things.

 

[Isitmytime]

"Work sets you free" is a fallacy that enslaves ppl in menial low paid work while they hope they'll get rich through good luck

Well, actually it's what the Nazi regime used as a slogan on the front gates of the concentration camps. "Arbeit macht frei'" in German. Hate it. Would never use it, not even as a joke. Yet, I like working.

P.S. Same here with dogs - for some reason, I always related well to all animals, especially dogs, ever since I was 3. Love them so much, regardless of breed. They love me back, even the most aggressive.

I never claimed having intelligence. It's other people who said that. Obviously they're wrong because I don't understand your complaint. You don't think the message on the gate to Auschwitz, with everything that entails, is a good analogy to modern wage slavery?

You really are quite interesting. I was wondering if you intentionally used the title, knowing where it comes from... then I saw the other posts. Well, I think I get you are rather detached and very direct. I also appreciate your writing proficiency and self irony. English not being my first language, I cannot compete. But I would advise you to consider sensitivities on matters like this. And no, it is NOT a good analogy - people were starved to death and horribly tortured there, including kids. You can always quit and find another job. You get paid. You sleep in a comfortable bed. Please do not mock the suffering of others. It's not a matter of feelings, it's respect.

 

[262653]

What you say about farming is on the spot, especially the part where you say you were glad you dropped out. You must have noticed that you're not really playing for the enjoyment, but to satisfy an obsession. Increasing levels, or gold, or any other easily quantifiable results. That's the same appeal as work is to workaholics. I don't work around the clock because I enjoy work. I work around the clock because I'm obsessed and can't tear myself away. I can't enjoy a vacation because I'll spend the whole vacation thinking about all the hours I could have billed if I had stayed at work.

I see. Well then maybe I am able to relate. I try to stay away from that particular mmo because I can't deny the possibility of getting hooked up again.

No, the farming part wasn't for enjoyment. Though the results were enjoyable, the overall experience wasn't. I enjoyed somewhat similar things that you did. Explore the world, talk with people, spell effects. The competition was definitely not part of the joy.

What made me drop it out wasn't a willpower, determination or anything of that sort. It was envy and indignation. I saw another guy who farmed with 7 bots (at time I only could maintain 3 because of inferior PC stats). I felt frustrated that someone can do so much and I will never be able to outfarm them. And if I can't be the best or even close to it, I might as well not try at all.

Similar thing happened on another server. Some guy farmed 3x more mobs at 3x faster time than I did. I figured out how powerful donation items are, and dropped out. The same envy and indignation, and comparison with those who are more resourceful.

I don't know how helpful that would be for you, but who knows.