Story Working in the field

[sky7]

It has been really bad at work, like "I want to go in the bathroom and cry because I can't take it anymore" bad. It's been so bad that lately I wonder if this will be the day I snap and walk off the job. I nearly slipped up today. I zoned out and stared at the wall for about 30 seconds and one of the psychiatrists said I looked catatonic and asked if I was making fun of a patient (I wasn't). At which point idiot me starts spilling about how overwhelming everything was, on the brink of tears. He was content to acknowledge my distress and walked away. There's one nurse there that knows of my chronic suicidality and attributes it to my "weirdness." But if I ever raised real suspicion with the MD's or certain nursing staff I'd be screwed. Though that would be a comical sight. Have the police called to a psych hospital to take a staff member away. We're the ones that are supposed to have it together. *sigh*

 

[hunter_lewis]

It has been really bad at work, like "I want to go in the bathroom and cry because I can't take it anymore" bad. It's been so bad that lately I wonder if this will be the day I snap and walk off the job. I nearly slipped up today. I zoned out and stared at the wall for about 30 seconds and one of the psychiatrists said I looked catatonic and asked if I was making fun of a patient (I wasn't). At which point idiot me starts spilling about how overwhelming everything was, on the brink of tears. He was content to acknowledge my distress and walked away. There's one nurse there that knows of my chronic suicidality and attributes it to my "weirdness." But if I ever raised real suspicion with the MD's or certain nursing staff I'd be screwed. Though that would be a comical sight. Have the police called to a psych hospital to take a staff member away. We're the ones that are supposed to have it together. *sigh*

you're a mental health worker and you are on this forum?
Your life must really suck. I am sorry.
But it is also the reason I don't go to psychotherapists-because they will not be able to help me anyway as my problem is my chronic pain

 

[Miss clefable]

It has been really bad at work, like "I want to go in the bathroom and cry because I can't take it anymore" bad. It's been so bad that lately I wonder if this will be the day I snap and walk off the job. I nearly slipped up today. I zoned out and stared at the wall for about 30 seconds and one of the psychiatrists said I looked catatonic and asked if I was making fun of a patient (I wasn't). At which point idiot me starts spilling about how overwhelming everything was, on the brink of tears. He was content to acknowledge my distress and walked away. There's one nurse there that knows of my chronic suicidality and attributes it to my "weirdness." But if I ever raised real suspicion with the MD's or certain nursing staff I'd be screwed. Though that would be a comical sight. Have the police called to a psych hospital to take a staff member away. We're the ones that are supposed to have it together. *sigh*

We are ones that are supposed to have it together rubbish your human after all don't forget that

 

[Sayo]

you're a mental health worker and you are on this forum?
Your life must really suck. I am sorry.
But it is also the reason I don't go to psychotherapists-because they will not be able to help me anyway as my problem is my chronic pain

I think a decent amount of mental health workers have had mental illness problems and it motivated them. But as we know having a mental illness doesn't make you necessarily more empathetic to others with them.

OP, how horrible that you were asked if you were making fun of a patient! Not surprising to me but D:

You are a human before you are a healthcare professional. And your pain and stress from your job are very evident.

I can imagine a few aspects of it. You have to say a lot of things that you may be questioning, and you are in a high stress environment, dealing with others' issues but not your own, aware that to do that you need to alienate your own emotional experience. You lose your personhood and assume your function--doctors in particular are expected to be healthy people through this process. And knowing the recipe can make it harder to eat. I'm sure there's a lot more.

Would speaking to someone outside the hospital be an option, or are psychiatric checks a part of your job? I'm sure you know how to avoid being committed, although speaking in such a restricted way could exacerbate your isolation.

Either way, you have my sympathy. Sounds very tough.

 

[okyeah]

It has been really bad at work, like "I want to go in the bathroom and cry because I can't take it anymore" bad. It's been so bad that lately I wonder if this will be the day I snap and walk off the job. I nearly slipped up today. I zoned out and stared at the wall for about 30 seconds and one of the psychiatrists said I looked catatonic and asked if I was making fun of a patient (I wasn't). At which point idiot me starts spilling about how overwhelming everything was, on the brink of tears. He was content to acknowledge my distress and walked away. There's one nurse there that knows of my chronic suicidality and attributes it to my "weirdness." But if I ever raised real suspicion with the MD's or certain nursing staff I'd be screwed. Though that would be a comical sight. Have the police called to a psych hospital to take a staff member away. We're the ones that are supposed to have it together. *sigh*

Start taking an SSRI so you can be a zombie and tolerate your job.

 

[lost illusions]

It has been really bad at work, like "I want to go in the bathroom and cry because I can't take it anymore" bad. It's been so bad that lately I wonder if this will be the day I snap and walk off the job. I nearly slipped up today. I zoned out and stared at the wall for about 30 seconds and one of the psychiatrists said I looked catatonic and asked if I was making fun of a patient (I wasn't). At which point idiot me starts spilling about how overwhelming everything was, on the brink of tears. He was content to acknowledge my distress and walked away. There's one nurse there that knows of my chronic suicidality and attributes it to my "weirdness." But if I ever raised real suspicion with the MD's or certain nursing staff I'd be screwed. Though that would be a comical sight. Have the police called to a psych hospital to take a staff member away. We're the ones that are supposed to have it together. *sigh*

Dealing with peps like us probably doesn't help but glad to have ya

 

[RM5998]

Start taking an SSRI so you can be a zombie and tolerate your job.

The irony level is over nine thousaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!

 

[sky7]

Yes, the irony of what I do and how I feel as a person is evident to me on a daily basis.

 

[sky7]

Would speaking to someone outside the hospital be an option, or are psychiatric checks a part of your job? I'm sure you know how to avoid being committed, although speaking in such a restricted way could exacerbate your isolation.

Either way, you have my sympathy. Sounds very tough.

Psych checks are not required though I did have to disclose my issues during a pre employment medical exam, so ultimately HR knows

And no, I have given up on speaking to people outside the hospital. And I've given up on medication too. I have decided that when it is time to go, I don't want my judgment and thinking clouded by meds. I've had enough of that.

And thanks everyone for the kind words and support.

 

[Ccre]

Spent several months in MH settings, adults and CAMHS on placements. It was a struggle, especially CAMHS. Mentioned to staff I observed discussing patients in a not so nice way that it was that kind of stuff that made schizophrenic patients worse. Because when patients caught them out by say, lip reading or actually overhearing staff they would deny it. They thought I was making a joke.

It was like being under a microscope constantly...