neurotic
hi
- May 24, 2023
- 81
Knowing your future and experiences now, would you have done it sooner?
My situation if interested:
Before I begin, I want to say I do not think I am the smartest person, more so I'm a very hyperaware and conscious person. I'm currently 23, but as I age I still feel like my hyper-awareness is growing. You can pick out hyper-aware people just from their eyes. That blank, cold, glazed stare. Someone who understands and have seen what life is. It's a terrifying existence, being awake to the dream and the implications of it all. This is extremely worrying as at age 19 I remember hoping I would "dumb down" or stop caring as much, but it's been the opposite. Making connections with friends or partners is harder and feels pointless when you already know the game that's being played. Talking to therapists, there's just something missing, a facet of the human condition they're refusing to face and spewing regurgitated encouragement that I feel they themselves probably struggle with or refuse to comprehend out of fear for their mortality. No one has any answers, fear of death is just hardwired in us to keep us breeding, humans are the scariest creatures the earth has ever produced. Days are slipping by faster and faster and trauma heals slower with age. Life shouldn't exist, it needs to die. This world isn't meant for such a mass production of humans, the genetic pool has gotten too chaotic with inferior genes, leading to things like me. The real ending to any of this is the hope that we eventually kill ourselves with global warming, war, or famine. I can't enjoy time with my family or friends anymore, I put on a good act, but they can tell I'm obviously depressed. I could never tell them the truth. I could never, ever tell them how I see the world, they'd start to see reality. It's slipped some times, and their reaction always kills me. I put a bandaid on it as fast as I can, try to tell them that what I said wasn't true and that it's worth it. Lying to my little brothers and sister, I want to cry. They look at me with such innocence and excitement about everything. If I'm not happy, they're not happy. They all adore me and are absolutely infatuated with me because I know how to empathize with them, what they need, and how to take care of them. I have so, so many family members and friends tell me I'm the most important person in their lives, I'm the smartest person they know, that I've got it all figured out, that I always have the answers. There's multiple people who have centered their whole perspective on life around me, mimicking me in such outlandish ways like copying my field in college or applying for jobs I work at, constantly trying to be my friend or date me, trying to Be Me, It's so creepy and it's not a one off thing. Maybe they're fasinated by me, at how I'm so close yet so distant, never letting them know the real me. They want to be closer and closer, they want to figure me out and obsess, I can tell. I would never give them the hell of letting myself rub off on them though, so I'll always keep my distance. They'll copy my views and feelings on life with how much they all look up to me. I feel like everyone in my life relies on me for happiness. My own parents and older brothers treat me like I'm some sort of guidance or support system for them. I've never had that from anyone. I've had so many friends, relationships, and partners, but the connection is always missing. I never feel like they really understand this thing called life as much as I do. I thought maybe I was thinking too much about it, or maybe it was because I was autistic, or maybe because it's BPD. The horrifying truth of my existence is I just understand things a lot better than most people, probably more than what a human naturally should. I want to kill myself so bad, ever since I was younger, but I think about how if I were gone, the absolute hell I'd be leaving for the ones who love me. I told them that I was thinking about packing all my stuff and just going, but they're all so selfish. They were horrified at the idea of me missing. My entire family organized together to try and convince me to stay, texting me, calling me, expressing their sadness to me if I left. I feel like I've been nothing but a caretaker for my entire life for everyone. I've never been in the passenger seat, I've never experienced what I give and I yearn for it so much, the feeling of relief I'd have if someone could take care of me and make me feel like everything was going to be okay. The fantasies I dream of, someone coming into my life who understands what I feel and could help me find some sort of positive meaning to it all. But there never is and I see right through it when they try to get close to me. I'm so desperate I'll ignore all the warning signs and red flags and just pretend I'm naive and not know any better, hoping to feel something.
I should've done it before when not as many people cared. For now, I have the blessing of youth as an umbilical cord, but when that soon ends, I will have to watch myself decay with the ones I love. I'll watch in horror for the rest of my life, also knowing they'll all be looking at me asking me if it was all worth it, and I'll have to lie to their faces. However, I refuse to believe my purpose is to rot here with them, I genuinely want to leave everything behind, I'm planning on it, whether it be suicide or physically moving somewhere far away. There has to be something out there. I still have a little time. I care about them, but I need to have my own life, I need to search for someone or a group of people who understands. SS has been one of the most amazing sites I've ever found, with so many well educated people. I'm truly blessed to have found a calmness in the storm.
-- I'm having regrets posting this thread and might delete soon; this seems like too much of an overshare, and I seem ungrateful. I deeply apologize if that's how it comes off. These were unfiltered thoughts I was having to myself; I would never share these with whom I know.
My situation if interested:
Before I begin, I want to say I do not think I am the smartest person, more so I'm a very hyperaware and conscious person. I'm currently 23, but as I age I still feel like my hyper-awareness is growing. You can pick out hyper-aware people just from their eyes. That blank, cold, glazed stare. Someone who understands and have seen what life is. It's a terrifying existence, being awake to the dream and the implications of it all. This is extremely worrying as at age 19 I remember hoping I would "dumb down" or stop caring as much, but it's been the opposite. Making connections with friends or partners is harder and feels pointless when you already know the game that's being played. Talking to therapists, there's just something missing, a facet of the human condition they're refusing to face and spewing regurgitated encouragement that I feel they themselves probably struggle with or refuse to comprehend out of fear for their mortality. No one has any answers, fear of death is just hardwired in us to keep us breeding, humans are the scariest creatures the earth has ever produced. Days are slipping by faster and faster and trauma heals slower with age. Life shouldn't exist, it needs to die. This world isn't meant for such a mass production of humans, the genetic pool has gotten too chaotic with inferior genes, leading to things like me. The real ending to any of this is the hope that we eventually kill ourselves with global warming, war, or famine. I can't enjoy time with my family or friends anymore, I put on a good act, but they can tell I'm obviously depressed. I could never tell them the truth. I could never, ever tell them how I see the world, they'd start to see reality. It's slipped some times, and their reaction always kills me. I put a bandaid on it as fast as I can, try to tell them that what I said wasn't true and that it's worth it. Lying to my little brothers and sister, I want to cry. They look at me with such innocence and excitement about everything. If I'm not happy, they're not happy. They all adore me and are absolutely infatuated with me because I know how to empathize with them, what they need, and how to take care of them. I have so, so many family members and friends tell me I'm the most important person in their lives, I'm the smartest person they know, that I've got it all figured out, that I always have the answers. There's multiple people who have centered their whole perspective on life around me, mimicking me in such outlandish ways like copying my field in college or applying for jobs I work at, constantly trying to be my friend or date me, trying to Be Me, It's so creepy and it's not a one off thing. Maybe they're fasinated by me, at how I'm so close yet so distant, never letting them know the real me. They want to be closer and closer, they want to figure me out and obsess, I can tell. I would never give them the hell of letting myself rub off on them though, so I'll always keep my distance. They'll copy my views and feelings on life with how much they all look up to me. I feel like everyone in my life relies on me for happiness. My own parents and older brothers treat me like I'm some sort of guidance or support system for them. I've never had that from anyone. I've had so many friends, relationships, and partners, but the connection is always missing. I never feel like they really understand this thing called life as much as I do. I thought maybe I was thinking too much about it, or maybe it was because I was autistic, or maybe because it's BPD. The horrifying truth of my existence is I just understand things a lot better than most people, probably more than what a human naturally should. I want to kill myself so bad, ever since I was younger, but I think about how if I were gone, the absolute hell I'd be leaving for the ones who love me. I told them that I was thinking about packing all my stuff and just going, but they're all so selfish. They were horrified at the idea of me missing. My entire family organized together to try and convince me to stay, texting me, calling me, expressing their sadness to me if I left. I feel like I've been nothing but a caretaker for my entire life for everyone. I've never been in the passenger seat, I've never experienced what I give and I yearn for it so much, the feeling of relief I'd have if someone could take care of me and make me feel like everything was going to be okay. The fantasies I dream of, someone coming into my life who understands what I feel and could help me find some sort of positive meaning to it all. But there never is and I see right through it when they try to get close to me. I'm so desperate I'll ignore all the warning signs and red flags and just pretend I'm naive and not know any better, hoping to feel something.
I should've done it before when not as many people cared. For now, I have the blessing of youth as an umbilical cord, but when that soon ends, I will have to watch myself decay with the ones I love. I'll watch in horror for the rest of my life, also knowing they'll all be looking at me asking me if it was all worth it, and I'll have to lie to their faces. However, I refuse to believe my purpose is to rot here with them, I genuinely want to leave everything behind, I'm planning on it, whether it be suicide or physically moving somewhere far away. There has to be something out there. I still have a little time. I care about them, but I need to have my own life, I need to search for someone or a group of people who understands. SS has been one of the most amazing sites I've ever found, with so many well educated people. I'm truly blessed to have found a calmness in the storm.
-- I'm having regrets posting this thread and might delete soon; this seems like too much of an overshare, and I seem ungrateful. I deeply apologize if that's how it comes off. These were unfiltered thoughts I was having to myself; I would never share these with whom I know.
Last edited:
