I could see it going either way. I began leaning towards antinatilism in my 20's, so that's out. I think bringing children into this and watching them (inevitably) struggle with my genes and upbringing would break my heart. I may be less likely to actually CTB though. My Mum died early on in my childhood and I've never really gotten over it. I wouldn't want my children to go through that. I'm only thankful I don't have that to consider.
If I had a partner though, I'm just not sure. I can imagine being happier but, maybe that's just a fairytale idea. I can also imagine feeling the same or worse. I wouldn't fancy having to hide how I feel over a prolongued period and I imagine realistically, you may have to. How long can a person remain sympathetic? Won't they just become tired of it in the end? Or, irritated? How will they respond even? Will they try to help? What if they can't though? How will that make them feel? I could see myself pretending that they'd helped to make them feel better while feeling exactly the same, except more lonely. Ironically, I think I could end up feeling less alone on my own than being with someone who doesn't understand. Plus, I don't want to create another tether for myself here.
That's just the ideation side of things. There are also practical reasons I think I may actually be better off alone. Really up until my mid 30's, I really wanted a partner. Maybe, as I realised that all my crushes were crazy limerence and I did my best to put a stop to that, it felt so nice to be free of all that longing. Maybe shedding that longing for a specific person lead me to shed my longing for a relationship in general. I really started to value my independence.
Plus, I looked around at other couple's relationships (which were comparitively good) and thought- there are lots of elements to that I wouldn't enjoy at all! Partners criticizing and humiliating one another. Sometimes in public. All the bickering. The possible insecurity. Even resentment. I've seen all that in healthy marriages. I dread to think what the unhealthy ones look like!
So, I probably convinced myself I'm better off this way. I can't know for sure but, I'm glad the longing for it has gone mostly. Also, I'd absolutely choose to be single over being in a bad relationship. And, plenty seem to have unpleasant elements to me.
You are supported to do what you must for yourself, but you are equally supported her to recover slowly through your feelings and how it has been affected. I am so sorry this world has been such a pain to you for this long 
