Greetings folks! Still learning the forum, so; sorry if I did a mistake. This here is my first post.
Ah, yes... So this leaves me with a more important pre-question to answer this one. Because, what is our "best" scenario? Is it good, is it bad? Well, I say is, maybe due to strict realism, maybe due to strict pessimism; I tend to disagree my best scenario would be me marrying, getting my life together and having a hope for, an average life. When it comes to rationalisement, calculating worth of mine, it all comes clean. I believe every person must be worthy to have a good life. However, with an important twist: I don't dare to say there is an objective way to prove for others. Yes, I can only prove my worth to myself. So, my best life scenario? It isn't kind of scenario would make me forget all these, because it is unfair, unjust. Best scenario must be where I am worth, where I am not only a consumer; but a beneficial individual to my family, to my country and to the world.
At the end of the day, there is still that void, still lack of meaning. But models you built, prevails. There is no wrong models in science, scientists build them to explain things. Grab any scientifical model, if it give results of a real life problem with certain accuracy, it can be used. My whole self-worth theory (Well, my crude theory, which I am not certain that it is valid.) tries to adress few things. But on the agenda, there is no such words; good, bad, best, worst... So if that "best" scenario is a scenario where I got different theories, there is a high possibility I wouldn't be in this dread.
i think when people are happy they often are content with the illusory nature of reality despite knowing it due to happiness. who cares if it's an illusion if you are happy?
i was highly traumatized by various things in my life, then that trauma was exponentially worsened by a long hospital stay in which i was accused of lying, treated poorly, had my privacy and dignity removed from me by strong-arming me with veiled threats of possible death (ie, we will move you to the violent unstable area of the hospital if you don't allow all our prejudiced mean nurses and staff access to various private information). I almost killed myself while in that hospital to avoid further indignity.
I would need a stay in a hospital to recover from that stay in a hospital, or real therapy that didn't feel like it happened with no privacy under duress and threat of possible death (someone in that facility I was around later went on to [omiited because too specific] someone else and had threatened me, there were many assaults there), but the experience left me so angry and bitter, and I was already phenomenally sad and angry, so I am just unwilling to try to emotionally be repaired at this point. It's like getting bitten by a snake and then being told the only way you'll feel better is to get bitten by a different magical snake that makes you happy. Sorry, been there, done that.
I think for me to want to stay alive, such a large number of things would have to happen. I guess there could possibly be an "ideal" situation but it would likely be so improbable as to be similar to lotto odds. I was the victim of sexual violence. I think I'd need to have my body back to the way it was prior to that. But a lot of times surgeries can only do so much to repair certain kinds of damage, and I've already had more fucking surgeries in life than I ever wanted due to that situation. I also don't like the way I look and so a lot of that would need to be changed, which would be hard to do, because a lot of what makes me ugly is strange proportions that can't easily be fixed (in the same way some surgeries, like cheek implants, are easy, if someone already has normal bone structure. It's very hard to change abnormal skull shapes and eye sockets. I asked a doctor about it once and it would probably be 500,000 to change, it may not make things better, and it would be so painful. They would need to slow down and reverse aging, since I feel like I lost so much and am so behind on life that death is an easier more peaceful option. I've never been in love, not really, the closest thing to it was someone playing a cruel prank on me like in that movie Carrie.
It's just too much to overcome. I am mostly a positive optimistic person, but doing these things so I could find romance could take 10 years, there would be so much pain, and age reversing may not be around right away. I also don't think all of these surgeries would totally work. I wish I didn't care about these things but I am very sexually lonely, and so it makes me think about beauty and the nature of attraction. I probably also have heart and genetic damage and that's why my face looks this way, since heart issues and facial issues are often linked.
I think I could have dealt with things if I had never been the victim of sexual violence, kept chugging along and perhaps one day found someone who liked me despite the way I look who I also found attractive, but being the victim of bullying and trauma and coming from a bad and unsupported family meant the injuries and being a victim pushed me further into isolation, and then my experiences with mental health were so horrific I would never in a billion fucking years want anything to do with the mental health industry anymore, they all terrify me.
I really believe a lot of suicidal people have solvable problems, but my problems are difficult and would take so much effort to even try to solve, and I'm unhappy all the time. It's not really pragmatic to think anything could change especially with the pavlovian aversion to mental health that the mental health industry so ingeniously caused. I'm also a slightly older sasu member, so I feel like there were times when I was younger when I could have overcome things. It's likely even with tremendous effort and sadness and suffering, I would still feel the same way.
i just feel like for me it's about time to give up. but not sure if it will be in days, months, or years. i just want off this ride, over it
