Venting Writing my notes to loved ones is hard

[nomoredolor]

I bought a death planner (it's funny the cover says "SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, ITS ME" "a thoughtful and helpful guidebook for my loved ones after death or incapacitation.") It is incredibly detailed and gives peace of mind for all the minutia after death. It has a section for your last words, several pages where you can leave notes to loved ones.

I'm finding these intense and painful to write. I've been able to put aside my guilt for hurting the people I love in order to choose myself and a future where I'm no longer suffering physically and mentally. But writing these notes make me feel so bad. And I don't know how detailed to get. I don't want to make my loved ones feel worse about my death by adding unresolved turmoil (I.e. how my family treated me after coming out as queer or insert trauma.) And it's hard for me to go into the grizzly detail about why I want to end my life because even with writing it down I struggle to truly communicate and convey the depth of my feelings. (I'm autistic.) so far ive told them 1. How much I love them. 2. How sorry I am. 3 that it's not their fault and I'm responsible for my own decisions.

These letters make me feel intensely guilty but I want to give my loved ones SOMETHING to work with after my death. They are taking their emotional toll, which I suppose is how it should be.

I am so thankful this space exists where I can safely vent my feelings. It's not like I can tell my friends or family. And my counselor knows I'm working on the death planner for a supposedly far off contingency but if I tell her these specifics I'm certain she would have me hospitalized.

Thanks for reading and sending love to you other hurting hearts. 31F
I guess what I'm trying to say is holding your ctb plans and all the prep involved is heavy af. And it's intense and profound and painful.

 

[PuppyCatTeeth]

I dont think im strong enough to even leave a singular note haha

 

[JustAnx]

If decide to ctb i'll be writing 5 notes. And i think that the only one i'm gonna write with tears in my eyes the whole time is gonna be the one to my mum.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've drafted my notes and I cried while I did them. Not really because I don't want to die. I suppose I imagined myself being them reading them. But then, that's kind of presumung they would actually feel that upset- which I don't actually know. I'm imagining my response to death rather than theirs. I think I just have a problem with death in general really- too much of it early in life for me. I cry at most death scenes in movies etc. It just tends to hit a nerve and I assume other people feel the same but, maybe they don't always.

I've never heard of a death planner. I imagine it could help both the person going and the ones left behind.

 

[NoRespawn]

good on you for doing this.

my family ignores everything and probably dont even believe in mental health, even with my brother's wife being a therapist, what a load of crap, she only doing it for the money. yea they dont give a damn so they aint gettin nothing.

 

[nomoredolor]

I think the guilt is very compounded because my family has already lost people to suicide and I feel like an asshole by adding to their pain with another one. But I spent most of my life being unselfish. So I will be selfish in death and win peace for myself.

Thanks to All of you who shared

 

[OnlyOneSolution]

I bought a death planner (it's funny the cover says "SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, ITS ME" "a thoughtful and helpful guidebook for my loved ones after death or incapacitation.") It is incredibly detailed and gives peace of mind for all the minutia after death. It has a section for your last words, several pages where you can leave notes to loved ones.

I'm finding these intense and painful to write. I've been able to put aside my guilt for hurting the people I love in order to choose myself and a future where I'm no longer suffering physically and mentally. But writing these notes make me feel so bad. And I don't know how detailed to get. I don't want to make my loved ones feel worse about my death by adding unresolved turmoil (I.e. how my family treated me after coming out as queer or insert trauma.) And it's hard for me to go into the grizzly detail about why I want to end my life because even with writing it down I struggle to truly communicate and convey the depth of my feelings. (I'm autistic.) so far ive told them 1. How much I love them. 2. How sorry I am. 3 that it's not their fault and I'm responsible for my own decisions.

These letters make me feel intensely guilty but I want to give my loved ones SOMETHING to work with after my death. They are taking their emotional toll, which I suppose is how it should be.

I am so thankful this space exists where I can safely vent my feelings. It's not like I can tell my friends or family. And my counselor knows I'm working on the death planner for a supposedly far off contingency but if I tell her these specifics I'm certain she would have me hospitalized.

Thanks for reading and sending love to you other hurting hearts. 31F
I guess what I'm trying to say is holding your ctb plans and all the prep involved is heavy af. And it's intense and profound and painful.

I know a man whose 12 year old used a gun to end her pain. He could not handle his own pain or reconcile her death. 18 months later, he shot himself, leaving behind a wife and two other children. I do not believe that there is any note you can leave that will prevent unresolved turmoil.

At times I hate my life. I want to be gone. I have tried and failed. Through it all, I know that I am the most important person in the world to myself when I say, "I am gong to end my life." MY pain. MY loss. MY turmoil. MY misery...Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. We struggle with these things because in reality, we do not want to want to die. Those who truly want to die just do it.

I offer this...the letters you write are you screaming for help. Wanting those you love to love you back, to come to you and hold you and tell you, "I love you, unconditionally." Life sucks sometimes. None of us wants to suffer. None of us wants the misery of knowing things we've done or thought or said. But, here we are, writing to one another. This is cathartic.

Don't write letters to your "loved ones" for after your death. Instead, make you daily life a letter to them by being honest with them about what you are feeling. Tell them about your struggles. Tell them how they make you feel by the way they treat you. Give that a try. Heck, if that doesn't work out, you can go back to planning. At least you will have tried. And since you tried and was honest, you won't have to write letters because they will know why you ended your life.