puppybrained
they/them
- Jul 15, 2024
- 36
confession. i met my online boyfriend a week ago, and it has ruined our relationship.
before we met, i loved him, but i wasnt IN love with him. now i'm out of my mind in love with him. i'm completely obsessed with him. this would be a good thing, except for the fact that being in love makes me a deeply volatile insecure person. i love him so much it physically hurts, and i'm so overwhelmed by the feeling i go to extreme lengths to relieve the pressure. the worse part is the paranoia. i love him so much that i convince myself he doesn't love me at all. i take every slight, every criticism deeply to heart and use it as fuel for the fire. i convince myself he resents me, and i take it out on him. it got particularly bad today, and i think i've pushed him too far. i was so convinced he didnt love me, and the emotional pain was so extreme i completely self destructed. i ended up snorting pills to feel better, after which i spent 8 hours having a meltdown. i ignored him, bawled my eyes out, yelled at him for not loving me, and then in a desperate attempt to get him to care about me, i destroyed my wrist and made my bathroom look like a murder scene. even though i didnt tell him about this, i came close to taking 14 pills in the hopes that if i od'd he'd care.
8 hours of this. 8 fucking hours.
if he didn't hate me before i'm pretty sure he does now. in the process of desperately trying to make him prove his love, i really did ruin my relationship.
now i don't know what to do. now i've made it worse. i know it's going to happen again. it's going to boil over. i know he hates me now.
he thinks im manipulative, i guess i am even though i didn't do this with the intent of manipulating him. i genuinely was afraid, but forcing him to prove his love for me is by all means pretty manipulative.
is it completely fucked? can our relationship be repaired? i don't even know if i can promise it won't happen again. what the hell is wrong with me?
before we met, i loved him, but i wasnt IN love with him. now i'm out of my mind in love with him. i'm completely obsessed with him. this would be a good thing, except for the fact that being in love makes me a deeply volatile insecure person. i love him so much it physically hurts, and i'm so overwhelmed by the feeling i go to extreme lengths to relieve the pressure. the worse part is the paranoia. i love him so much that i convince myself he doesn't love me at all. i take every slight, every criticism deeply to heart and use it as fuel for the fire. i convince myself he resents me, and i take it out on him. it got particularly bad today, and i think i've pushed him too far. i was so convinced he didnt love me, and the emotional pain was so extreme i completely self destructed. i ended up snorting pills to feel better, after which i spent 8 hours having a meltdown. i ignored him, bawled my eyes out, yelled at him for not loving me, and then in a desperate attempt to get him to care about me, i destroyed my wrist and made my bathroom look like a murder scene. even though i didnt tell him about this, i came close to taking 14 pills in the hopes that if i od'd he'd care.
8 hours of this. 8 fucking hours.
if he didn't hate me before i'm pretty sure he does now. in the process of desperately trying to make him prove his love, i really did ruin my relationship.
now i don't know what to do. now i've made it worse. i know it's going to happen again. it's going to boil over. i know he hates me now.
he thinks im manipulative, i guess i am even though i didn't do this with the intent of manipulating him. i genuinely was afraid, but forcing him to prove his love for me is by all means pretty manipulative.
is it completely fucked? can our relationship be repaired? i don't even know if i can promise it won't happen again. what the hell is wrong with me?