Yesterday I tried to kill myself

[youwantitdarker]

So, as you can imagine, that didn't happen.
It was by train. Walking to the train station, I was incredibly calm - honestly it was almost scary how calm I was. Nothing stood out - I felt the same way the way I go to uni, or the store - just completely going through the motions.
The train station is about an hour away from the house in which I live in. Now, there were brief instances or excitement (not the good kind, just pure chemical reaction in the brain) and adrenaline rushing, because at some points (mostly in the beginning) I imagined jumping and the train hitting my body. In preparation, I had watched a lot of videos on people dying this way. If you're on this website then I think you probably know the website I watched them on. It was just so I can prepare mentally, that's all.
Well... I guess I really wasn't ready. Honesly, the only reason as to why I haven't killed myself yet is my family - we are not close, I just don't want their only child to die before them and them to suffer, that's all. I still don't have any reasons to live for myself.
So..that brings me here. At the time I'm writing this, it's 20:09, and by that time yesterday, if I had commited, I wouldn't be here right now writing this, which is kind of crazy to think about.
So yeah.
I don't have a home, I just have a room that I rent with loud and inconsiderate flatmates. But everytime I open this website, I feel at home - I feel like I'm entering a large warm home and leaving the cold, uncaring and harsh world behind the door after I close it. So, thank you SS. I will probably commit - I have nothing to live for, but yesterday showed me that it won't happen in this period of my life, I suppose

 

[Goosechan]

Survival instinct, be it for whatever reason can be so powerful and either very welcome or a great bane, depending on what point you're at. I'm happy there's some kinship to be found here at SaSu. It's hard to talk about CBT and SI with people on the outside it seems. Given as it was only 24 hours ago that your attempt took place, there must be a lot of different feeling right now. I hope you can make sense of them.

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

Living for someone else than yourself is a really difficult way to go about life, and my heart goes out to those who do. Also, it's a weird feeling when you know you wouldn't be here if things went differently. It's an odd sensation, which I think many relate to.

 

[youwantitdarker]

Given as it was only 24 hours ago that your attempt took place, there must be a lot of different feeling right now. I hope you can make sense of them.

Thank you. It's..well, basically, I'm trying to tell myself that my current situation is only temporary, and these feelings that make me suffer will disappear once my living situation improves. Today I was just taking it easy.

Also, it's a weird feeling when you know you wouldn't be here if things went differently. It's an odd sensation, which I think many relate to.

So true, it's a bizarre feeling. I could picture my death so incredibly vividly, you'd think it was a movie scene you could just rewind and watch over and over. I pictured suddenly everything going black - thus, my life ending. And, well, here I am.. Man, life is strange