ctemourge
and by the time ur hearing this ill already b gone
- Aug 14, 2023
- 48
hello sasu <3 i have a semi positive update.
now before i get into that i want to preface, im still suicidal. im still mentally ill. this small positive change does not deter me from my ctb plans. if anything its just pushing it back.
as ive posted about before , i was in a long distance relationship. this relationship was 5 years long, he lived with me for a short period of time before abandoning me again (this has happened 6 times) and i just could not take it anymore. i have borderline personality disorder & he was my favorite person. if you're unfamiliar with bpd terminology a favorite person (or fp) is someone who essentially my life will revolve around. my moods were determined by how he would treat me & normally i would be treated like shit so thats always been a problem. this was nearly always a one sided relationship. he has cheated on me. he has emotionally neglected me. but i stayed because i loved him and i needed him. so i thought. about a month or so ago, i planned on killing myself & NOT sticking to my original ctb plan. my preferred method is SN poisoning. but unfortunately i do not have anything i need for that minus benzos and zofran. anyways i tried to bleed out (rookie mistake i know.) & he ignored me and got drunk instead of caring. that was my last straw. i broke things off with him. it was like a full 180. he has done worse things and i stayed but the fact he could go 24+ hrs without talking to me but could go to the bar just flipped a switch for me. now onto the positive side of this post. i have this friend i made about a year and a half ago who ive honestly been really close with anyway & idk how we got here but now hes my boyfriend. i am so happy. i am also terrified. he will probably leave me like everyone else has or cheat on me like everyone else has . im too much to be loved. but for some reason he loves me. he chose me. he really does take care of me and its been such a short amount of time, only the universe knows how much more love he can pour into me. i love hard. i love deeply. i will do absolutely anything for the person i love / my fp. my heart n my soul. ive already started writting love letters and fantasizing about our future life. i know im sick and i should wait. its early. dont get your hopes up. but i cant say i havent been happy. i have been happy!! the downside of that though is it is DRAINING. truly fucking draining. i cannot have a good day without the next being absolutely miserable. but through that misery he wants to comfort me. he wants to hear me out. he wants to make it better. why would you do that for me? im so undeserving. but he doesn't think that. i told him about all my consumption of sh talk/images & my telegram for drugs. i didnt tell him about this website for a few reasons, one being i didnt want him to see that this place exists. its selfish i know, but i dont want him to 1) find out my plan and fuck that up for me
2) i dont want to tell ANYBODY i know this page exists. not because i dislike it here i honestly love this place so much, its just if they know i use it. they will find me. and they will use it against me. essentially i just want to keep me and sasu's relationship private. anyways i told him i used an app for sh consumption and slight encouragement from others so i could basically be bullied into hurting myself worse & i told him ever since we started talking , that i genuinely do not feel the need for that anymore. sh itself is an addiction and i am fully immersed and have been for a LONG time. i mean even right now i would love to relapse but i feel like he doesn't deserve to see me like that.
he struggles just like i do . we are really similar. my point is i want to take care of him like he does for me i want to give the love he deserves but i am so scared he will leave like everyone else. but i am happy. i have smiled. i have woken up the next day and happy that i opened my eyes. but im also petrified. i work myself up. i convince myself this is all a plan to hurt me or sleep with me. i hate myself i hate looking at myself and i this is who he gets to see. i wanna be better. i want to stay happy even if the day after is horrible. i guess my update is : i plan to enjoy this relationship until it inevitably ends in flames like every other single thing in my life. thanks for reading if u did. i appreciate any input anyone has & i hope u have a great day
now before i get into that i want to preface, im still suicidal. im still mentally ill. this small positive change does not deter me from my ctb plans. if anything its just pushing it back.
as ive posted about before , i was in a long distance relationship. this relationship was 5 years long, he lived with me for a short period of time before abandoning me again (this has happened 6 times) and i just could not take it anymore. i have borderline personality disorder & he was my favorite person. if you're unfamiliar with bpd terminology a favorite person (or fp) is someone who essentially my life will revolve around. my moods were determined by how he would treat me & normally i would be treated like shit so thats always been a problem. this was nearly always a one sided relationship. he has cheated on me. he has emotionally neglected me. but i stayed because i loved him and i needed him. so i thought. about a month or so ago, i planned on killing myself & NOT sticking to my original ctb plan. my preferred method is SN poisoning. but unfortunately i do not have anything i need for that minus benzos and zofran. anyways i tried to bleed out (rookie mistake i know.) & he ignored me and got drunk instead of caring. that was my last straw. i broke things off with him. it was like a full 180. he has done worse things and i stayed but the fact he could go 24+ hrs without talking to me but could go to the bar just flipped a switch for me. now onto the positive side of this post. i have this friend i made about a year and a half ago who ive honestly been really close with anyway & idk how we got here but now hes my boyfriend. i am so happy. i am also terrified. he will probably leave me like everyone else has or cheat on me like everyone else has . im too much to be loved. but for some reason he loves me. he chose me. he really does take care of me and its been such a short amount of time, only the universe knows how much more love he can pour into me. i love hard. i love deeply. i will do absolutely anything for the person i love / my fp. my heart n my soul. ive already started writting love letters and fantasizing about our future life. i know im sick and i should wait. its early. dont get your hopes up. but i cant say i havent been happy. i have been happy!! the downside of that though is it is DRAINING. truly fucking draining. i cannot have a good day without the next being absolutely miserable. but through that misery he wants to comfort me. he wants to hear me out. he wants to make it better. why would you do that for me? im so undeserving. but he doesn't think that. i told him about all my consumption of sh talk/images & my telegram for drugs. i didnt tell him about this website for a few reasons, one being i didnt want him to see that this place exists. its selfish i know, but i dont want him to 1) find out my plan and fuck that up for me
2) i dont want to tell ANYBODY i know this page exists. not because i dislike it here i honestly love this place so much, its just if they know i use it. they will find me. and they will use it against me. essentially i just want to keep me and sasu's relationship private. anyways i told him i used an app for sh consumption and slight encouragement from others so i could basically be bullied into hurting myself worse & i told him ever since we started talking , that i genuinely do not feel the need for that anymore. sh itself is an addiction and i am fully immersed and have been for a LONG time. i mean even right now i would love to relapse but i feel like he doesn't deserve to see me like that.
he struggles just like i do . we are really similar. my point is i want to take care of him like he does for me i want to give the love he deserves but i am so scared he will leave like everyone else. but i am happy. i have smiled. i have woken up the next day and happy that i opened my eyes. but im also petrified. i work myself up. i convince myself this is all a plan to hurt me or sleep with me. i hate myself i hate looking at myself and i this is who he gets to see. i wanna be better. i want to stay happy even if the day after is horrible. i guess my update is : i plan to enjoy this relationship until it inevitably ends in flames like every other single thing in my life. thanks for reading if u did. i appreciate any input anyone has & i hope u have a great day
