Story A little background and my options

[WaitingToGo]

So just a little background on my situation. I'm 65 year old woman living in the Netherlands and since the death of my soulmate, partner and best friend through an awful type of cancer my grief and loneliness has now become too much to bear. My partner died in 2018 and at every step of the way from the first phone call confirming the diagnosis to the various treatments she had, I was there. she had every conceivable type of treatment available but the awful cancer spread. After two years of different types of treatment it was stage 4 and there was nothing further that could be done so she came home and a special hospital bed was erected downstairs. I watched as the cancer took hold. The absolute loss of dignity as nurses came twice each day to clean her. This was my beloved partner who once worked as a senior manager at a bank, who was an artist, a musician and who now had to rely on people to clean her. I held her hand when she passed. All the memories of our wonderful 30 years together and the haunting visions of the suffering she went through are with me each and every day. We were like Siamese twins, we liked the same food had similar interests in travel and music. Our relationship was purely platonic, was joyful and heavenly. I have no friends here, I'm completely alone. I always maintained it should've been me who got the cancer, and not her she had more to live for and so many gifts. I could never understand that I didn't die shortly after she did. You see this so often where after one person dies the other partner passes away from a broken heart.
whilst she was under treatment she was prescribed Fentanyl, morphine and several other drugs, which I never handed back because I wanted to keep them as my CTB ticket And I'm so glad I did. They were all from 2018 so hope they are still effective.

This very severe depression kicked in whilst I was on holiday in Spain. Watching couples, families having fun in the sun just really underlined what an incredibly lonely life I was living.
Here in the Netherlands euthanasia is available for terminally ill people but I also found out on Friday from my doctor that people with depression can also get offered it provided every other thing has been tried. After I told my doctor I wanted to end me life she sent me straight away to a crisis center where I had an appointment with a nurse, a doctor and a psychiatrist. I have another appointment on Tuesday to see a therapist but I have little faith it's going to work, it's going to take a miracle. They wont prescribe any antidepressants as there's a period of weeks where depression gets worse before it gets better. But in any case I've had these things before and they didn't work. I still got depressed and upset so stopped taking them.
I believe that only someone who has watched a love one disintegrate with a terminal illness before their eyes and seen the horrors at a cancer hospital can fully understand appreciate what's in my head.
One of the things stopping me from CTB was my 2 cats. This has been resolved after a call to my cat sitter and they will get adopted. I just need to adjust my will and then there's nothing holding me back. I've tried to continue but the flashbacks get worse by the month so what's the point in simply existing. I sleep very badly even with sleeping pills.
At my disposal I have the following which I hope is sufficient to send me on my way. If someone could confirm I'd be very grateful
Fentanyl 100mg 28 tablets, Morphine Sulphate 10mg 47 tablets, Pregabaline 150mg 35 tablets and Metoclopromide 10mg 47 tablets. Also lots of sleeping pills
Thank you for reading

 

[WaitingToGo]

Does it always take this long to approve a thread

 

[WaitingToGo]

Had a bad weekend. Spoke with someone from the Dutch equivalent of the samaritans on Saturday after listing out my ctb meds. if I do this at home there's no one to hold my hand as I die as I don't have any friends here And that makes me very sad. Does anyone else worry about that.
see above list of my tablets. Please could someone confirm I have enough to do the job
My niece is doing her best to try to keep me here and encouraging me to follow therapy sessions

 

[novem]

Might not work if you take it by mouth but I am not a doctor.
I've heard that fent is decomposed into morf if taken by mouth. It would equate to roughly 3g of morf.

 

[WaitingToGo]

The fentanyl are all tablets and I thought I read that 2000mg was enough to kill you. I've got 2800mg. Ive also got 47 morphine tablets 10mg strength. You are putting doubts in my head. I thought taking all this would easily be enough to kill me. Would crushing the tablets make them react more quickly.
let me know what your thoughts are as I appreciate any advice
thanks again

 

[novem]

The fentanyl are all tablets and I thought I read that 2000mg was enough to kill you. I've got 2800mg. Ive also got 47 morphine tablets 10mg strength. You are putting doubts in my head. I thought taking all this would easily be enough to kill me. Would crushing the tablets make them react more quickly.
let me know what your thoughts are as I appreciate any advice
thanks again

If you read this

Fentanyl Buccal (Fentanyl Tablets): Side Effects, Uses, Dosage, Interactions, Warnings

Fentanyl Buccal (Fentanyl Tablets) may treat, side effects, dosage, drug interactions, warnings, patient labeling, reviews, and related medications including drug comparison and health resources.

www.rxlist.com

It appears that some tablets are made to be absorbed by mucous of the mouth so they might actually be the thing you have and asked for (rapid effect).
[Just don't swallow them]

 

[WaitingToGo]

Yes I've just checked the boxes, they are ones you put under the tongue
thanks for that.
might be a slow job trying to cram 3 or 4 tablets under my tongue, wait for them to dissolve and then cram the next ones. I've got 28 of these so hope I don't drift off too sleep before using them all and end up reviving.

 

[novem]

t

Yes I've just checked the boxes, they are ones you put under the tongue
thanks for that.
might be a slow job trying to cram 3 or 4 tablets under my tongue, wait for them to dissolve and then cram the next ones. I've got 28 of these so hope I don't drift off too sleep before using them all and end up reviving.

When you decide to go, just take something that potentiates it: benzo, alcohol.
You have your peaceful pill, you can still live longer.

 

[missingpeace]

I can't confirm your CTB medications effectiveness but my condolences on the loss of your best friend. It must be very lonely now with her gone. Maybe you will find inspiration to carry on but if not I wish you a peaceful exit if it is your wanting..

 

[outrider567]

So just a little background on my situation. I'm 65 year old woman living in the Netherlands and since the death of my soulmate, partner and best friend through an awful type of cancer my grief and loneliness has now become too much to bear. My partner died in 2018 and at every step of the way from the first phone call confirming the diagnosis to the various treatments she had, I was there. she had every conceivable type of treatment available but the awful cancer spread. After two years of different types of treatment it was stage 4 and there was nothing further that could be done so she came home and a special hospital bed was erected downstairs. I watched as the cancer took hold. The absolute loss of dignity as nurses came twice each day to clean her. This was my beloved partner who once worked as a senior manager at a bank, who was an artist, a musician and who now had to rely on people to clean her. I held her hand when she passed. All the memories of our wonderful 30 years together and the haunting visions of the suffering she went through are with me each and every day. We were like Siamese twins, we liked the same food had similar interests in travel and music. Our relationship was purely platonic, was joyful and heavenly. I have no friends here, I'm completely alone. I always maintained it should've been me who got the cancer, and not her she had more to live for and so many gifts. I could never understand that I didn't die shortly after she did. You see this so often where after one person dies the other partner passes away from a broken heart.
whilst she was under treatment she was prescribed Fentanyl, morphine and several other drugs, which I never handed back because I wanted to keep them as my CTB ticket And I'm so glad I did. They were all from 2018 so hope they are still effective.

This very severe depression kicked in whilst I was on holiday in Spain. Watching couples, families having fun in the sun just really underlined what an incredibly lonely life I was living.
Here in the Netherlands euthanasia is available for terminally ill people but I also found out on Friday from my doctor that people with depression can also get offered it provided every other thing has been tried. After I told my doctor I wanted to end me life she sent me straight away to a crisis center where I had an appointment with a nurse, a doctor and a psychiatrist. I have another appointment on Tuesday to see a therapist but I have little faith it's going to work, it's going to take a miracle. They wont prescribe any antidepressants as there's a period of weeks where depression gets worse before it gets better. But in any case I've had these things before and they didn't work. I still got depressed and upset so stopped taking them.
I believe that only someone who has watched a love one disintegrate with a terminal illness before their eyes and seen the horrors at a cancer hospital can fully understand appreciate what's in my head.
One of the things stopping me from CTB was my 2 cats. This has been resolved after a call to my cat sitter and they will get adopted. I just need to adjust my will and then there's nothing holding me back. I've tried to continue but the flashbacks get worse by the month so what's the point in simply existing. I sleep very badly even with sleeping pills.
At my disposal I have the following which I hope is sufficient to send me on my way. If someone could confirm I'd be very grateful
Fentanyl 100mg 28 tablets, Morphine Sulphate 10mg 47 tablets, Pregabaline 150mg 35 tablets and Metoclopromide 10mg 47 tablets. Also lots of sleeping pills
Thank you for reading

I can relate although my soulmate died in just 4 days 13 months ago,after 35 years together--Still in shock, still deeply depressed, still miserable, still suicidal--I slept badly for 7 months straight

 

[WaitingToGo]

I can't confirm your CTB medications effectiveness but my condolences on the loss of your best friend. It must be very lonely now with her gone. Maybe you will find inspiration to carry on but if not I wish you a peaceful exit if it is your wanting..

I've tried to keep going, I really have. In July it will be 5 years since she passed. I cry buckets still. Even whilst I was on that holiday in Spain a few days ago. Everbody was having fun and I was sat there crying my eyes out. My Mum always thought I might do something to myself and I promised her I wouldn't, well she passed last year so I don't have to feel guilty about CTB. The house is virtually untouched from when my partner passed. I've kept all her clothes, shoes etc. I've not removed a single thing.
Tomorrow I've another session with a shrink and a therapist which I promised my niece I'd go to. She know how desperate I am at the moment
Thank you for commenting

I can relate although my soulmate died in just 4 days 13 months ago,after 35 years together--Still in shock, still deeply depressed, still miserable, still suicidal--I slept badly for 7 months straight

My heart goes out to you. I was in a daze immediately after, still am I suppose. I know how you are feeling, I really do

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really painful what you are going through, it certainly is such a cruel world that we exist in where there is such torment being experienced. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[WaitingToGo]

It must be really painful what you are going through, it certainly is such a cruel world that we exist in where there is such torment being experienced. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so "happy" to have this place and the wonderful people here. There's nowhere else where I could write my story, my thoughts and plans without getting banned.
where ever and what ever I do memories come flooding back. We had just sat down to homemade pasta, when the phone call from the hospital came through with the diagnosis and that was our lives changed forever. Two years later that was it. I remember everything, everything.
How will therapy help me, will it erase my memories, will it somehow magic up a lot of dear friends. At the end of the day everything stays the same and that's why I think ultimately CTB is my only option out of this hellish existence.