Venting All progress gone

[chronichope]

I try so hard every single day, I have been trying for years.
1st suicide attempt at 11 YO, in the psychiatric system from 13 to 18, trying to get help from therapists for years and everyone keeps saying im too hard of a case, no one can help me.
I have had no medication for years (it never worked anyway), I pulled myself out of a benzo addiction and managed to not fall into heroin or meth.
The fact that I have a job, reconnected with a part of my family, have a social life, am doing things, all despite wanting to kill myself most of the time...
fuck I know it's cringe but sometimes I just want a medal for it all, really want someone to see and appreciate what I've achieved.
But no.
Instead what I get is losing my closest friendship because I make one mistake.
I hate that it doesn't matter how much progress I've made, people will always have a version of me in their heads that doesn't deserve grace.
I am losing a friend that has been hurt by way worse people than me in way awful ways and still talks to them...but I am apparently different.
One argument. We had one argument. We communicated it, we explained our sides after, all seemed well. Turns out he thinks i always make everything about me and don't listen to him.
Me...who has been doing the wholw "sorry i know i talk too much" thing for years. He told me even that night im not talking too much. All of it was a lie.
Everyone is lying when they say they like me and that im not too much and that i need to be myself. I hate it. I hate the lies.
I want to die because I dont know how to not be me. I want to die because I dont know how to make people not hate me.
I cant say anything anymore because I will be the bad guy. Can't say anything to him or to anyone I hate it I want to scream.
And I cant even kill myself because that will be seen as emotional manipulation, i cant cry about losing a friend because its emotional manipulation i cant tell him how i feel because then im making him feel and look bad i am not even a person anymore im just the friend meant to be there and talking means im going out of my role and having an issue means im being an asshole im supposed to just be there for my friend and the fact that i also need support means im too much of a burden my emotions are too much everything is too much

I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE

And I was doing so well too. I was so proud of myself. But it doesnt matter. None of the progress matters. Its all for nothing.
I hate the fact that even writing this here, on a forum that none of my close friends knows, i worry that someone will find it and use it against me as proof that im a manipulator.
I feel the need to defend myself but cannot post anything or tell anyone whats happening because then ill be the bad guy
I cant take this I want to die

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Oh, dearie...mama's proud of you. Mama bear is proud of every achievement you did in your life. You are strong, intelligent, capable and deserving of love, care and a comforting embrace. Mama wishes she could hug you in real life. I'll never, ever try to use your pain against you, that would be terrible. What they call emotional manipulation I call being human, and you have emotions that need to be expressed.

So, express them to mama, cry on her chest, scream deep in her belly, be angry, be sad, be anything you want, but express yourself. I will never, ever make you feel bad about being yourself or expressing your feelings. It's how humans work, and you are as human as anyone else, honey pot. *bear hug* You are deserving of love, dear, always and forever. Mama bear believes in you and in your feelings.

 

[teeteringontheedge]

Maybe it brings you solace to know that youre not alone in this situation.

i too lost friendships for basically nothing whilst they remain in severely toxic friendships with others.
They lie to my face but behind my back hold nothing but disdain for me - no matter the person.
I even had one friend group robbing me of my a completely separate friend group that met via happen chance and got kicked out of both for being "demanding" and "over the top".
But if you try to call attention to their own bullshit or call it out directly in their face then youre the bad guy for even thinking about it.
With people like these you just cant win.



But your achievements are truly what can be called achievements.
It takes more then just willpower, determination and focus to be able to realize you need to change something and then actually going ahead and doing it.
And to imagine that you succesfully battled with yourself and others to regain your balance in life again - i respect that alot.

Its just aspiring to think that despite the never lessening hardship you seem to still try to push on otherwise you wouldnt come to try and talk about it.
So keep on pushing for all of us cause it would be an truly terrible shame if you decided to end your tale here due to such an saddening albeit temporary setback.

 

[lemonandcapers]

It is incredible that you were able to maintain a social and professional life despite being suicidal. I struggle with both of those things while being suicidal, so I applaud you for being able to do it.

I am sorry to hear about your friend. It is tough losing friends especially when you don't understand the reasoning