Venting Almost.

[sunny.sativa]

It was an impulse, a decision made on the dime.

I didn't even have a bad day or whatever. I'm stressed as usual, but I didn't work, I didn't do much. Typical. It wasn't a different kinda day for me. I guess that made the idea that much more appealing. It was a regular ol day.

I used a long, luscious scarf, of all things. I anchored it to the bar in my closet, stuck my head through, put on Radiohead and breathed through my nose. I was ready.

"a cigarette would be nice", my brain told me.
I agreed, but that was all.

I relaxed. I started from my toes. I was in a kneeling position. By the time I got to relax my neck, I was completely okay with the decision I was about to make.

I was scared, terrified for reasons such as "am I going to hell?" and "who's gonna find me?" but I went on. it wasn't working the first few times. I tried and tried over and over to find my cartoid and wrap the scarf tighter around it. I struggled. I wasn't even losing consciousness for the first three or four times I tried. But I finally found the sweet spot. I went to sleep.. uncomfortably, but not in pain.

I woke to my mother shaking me and screaming in my face,
"How could you do this?
What the fuck are you doing?
What if your brother saw?
Are you fucking kidding me?"
And other "helpful" shit. She got me out of the scarf.

I wasn't sent to the hospital. Nothing happened that "needed" to happen. Just screaming and anger from both my parents and I. I broke a knuckle from punching walls n stuff.

I should have done it sooner. I should have just done it. I hate myself.
The night ended in hugging and "I'm so sorry you feel this way" and "I'm here for you" and shit but I don't care too much. It didn't make me change my mind. It didn't make me appreciate life. I'm such a fucking burden to these people and I'm tired of hurting them repeatedly, heartlessly everyday. I'm tired of making them wonder about me and why I'm mad today or "which Sunny they're talking to at the moment". (That one pissed me off real good.) I'd rather give them one big hurt than a million little ones.
Idk. I just. Don't. Know.

 

[Empty Smile]

Big BIG BIG hugs, and many more of them....

 

[Halo13]

It was an impulse, a decision made on the dime.

I didn't even have a bad day or whatever. I'm stressed as usual, but I didn't work, I didn't do much. Typical. It wasn't a different kinda day for me. I guess that made the idea that much more appealing. It was a regular ol day.

I used a long, luscious scarf, of all things. I anchored it to the bar in my closet, stuck my head through, put on Radiohead and breathed through my nose. I was ready.

"a cigarette would be nice", my brain told me.
I agreed, but that was all.

I relaxed. I started from my toes. I was in a kneeling position. By the time I got to relax my neck, I was completely okay with the decision I was about to make.

I was scared, terrified for reasons such as "am I going to hell?" and "who's gonna find me?" but I went on. it wasn't working the first few times. I tried and tried over and over to find my cartoid and wrap the scarf tighter around it. I struggled. I wasn't even losing consciousness for the first three or four times I tried. But I finally found the sweet spot. I went to sleep.. uncomfortably, but not in pain.

I woke to my mother shaking me and screaming in my face,
"How could you do this?
What the fuck are you doing?
What if your brother saw?
Are you fucking kidding me?"
And other "helpful" shit. She got me out of the scarf.

I wasn't sent to the hospital. Nothing happened that "needed" to happen. Just screaming and anger from both my parents and I. I broke a knuckle from punching walls n stuff.

I should have done it sooner. I should have just done it. I hate myself.
The night ended in hugging and "I'm so sorry you feel this way" and "I'm here for you" and shit but I don't care too much. It didn't make me change my mind. It didn't make me appreciate life. I'm such a fucking burden to these people and I'm tired of hurting them repeatedly, heartlessly everyday. I'm tired of making them wonder about me and why I'm mad today or "which Sunny they're talking to at the moment". (That one pissed me off real good.) I'd rather give them one big hurt than a million little ones.
Idk. I just. Don't. Know.

I'm so sorry you went through that! Wish I could say more to help. Hugs...

How's your finger?

 

[sunny.sativa]

I'm so sorry you went through that! Wish I could say more to help. Hugs...

How's your finger?

My knuckle is very swollen and purple, and it may be a bit twisted of me, but I'm proud of it. I hit the door at a pretty fuckin solid speed with my fist and I didn't think I had that kind of power in me.
Thank you for asking, friend. I hope today treats you well.

 

[Halo13]

My knuckle is very swollen and purple, and it may be a bit twisted of me, but I'm proud of it. I hit the door at a pretty fuckin solid speed with my fist and I didn't think I had that kind of power in me.
Thank you for asking, friend. I hope today treats you well. ♥

My knuckles are messed up from punching walls and such - it does feel good to let out the anger, disappointment, sadness, etc in a good punch!

Doing my best today to get to the store. Going to take a look at anti-emetics. We'll see how that goes :) Use some ice wrapped in a towel for the swelling and Ibuprofen, aspirin, etc if it starts throbbing too much.

 

[JadedGray]

It was an impulse, a decision made on the dime.

I didn't even have a bad day or whatever. I'm stressed as usual, but I didn't work, I didn't do much. Typical. It wasn't a different kinda day for me. I guess that made the idea that much more appealing. It was a regular ol day.

I used a long, luscious scarf, of all things. I anchored it to the bar in my closet, stuck my head through, put on Radiohead and breathed through my nose. I was ready.

"a cigarette would be nice", my brain told me.
I agreed, but that was all.

I relaxed. I started from my toes. I was in a kneeling position. By the time I got to relax my neck, I was completely okay with the decision I was about to make.

I was scared, terrified for reasons such as "am I going to hell?" and "who's gonna find me?" but I went on. it wasn't working the first few times. I tried and tried over and over to find my cartoid and wrap the scarf tighter around it. I struggled. I wasn't even losing consciousness for the first three or four times I tried. But I finally found the sweet spot. I went to sleep.. uncomfortably, but not in pain.

I woke to my mother shaking me and screaming in my face,
"How could you do this?
What the fuck are you doing?
What if your brother saw?
Are you fucking kidding me?"
And other "helpful" shit. She got me out of the scarf.

I wasn't sent to the hospital. Nothing happened that "needed" to happen. Just screaming and anger from both my parents and I. I broke a knuckle from punching walls n stuff.

I should have done it sooner. I should have just done it. I hate myself.
The night ended in hugging and "I'm so sorry you feel this way" and "I'm here for you" and shit but I don't care too much. It didn't make me change my mind. It didn't make me appreciate life. I'm such a fucking burden to these people and I'm tired of hurting them repeatedly, heartlessly everyday. I'm tired of making them wonder about me and why I'm mad today or "which Sunny they're talking to at the moment". (That one pissed me off real good.) I'd rather give them one big hurt than a million little ones.
Idk. I just. Don't. Know.

Sorry this happened to you. The only thing that's as bad as the feeling of failing itself, is having to deal with loved ones' anger over your attempt and being sent to the psych hospital.