Venting Anniversary of my death date

[timetodie24]

The bar is in the ground honestly.

Set your expectations low and you can't be disappointed ! (Although life seems to have a way of producing new even rockier and lower 'rock bottoms')

this is in no way a push back to what you're experiencing but what kind of watch? The smart ones can have silly internal issues esp with sleep tracking.

I think it's a Fitbit, which I know aren't great, but it was fine until around the same time I woke up with injection marks on my finger and she started acting different too . So adds up to what i already knew about what at least 1 of my parents doing or both.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Set your expectations low and you can't be disappointed ! (Although life seems to have a way of producing new even rockier and lower 'rock bottoms')

I think it's a Fitbit, which I know aren't great, but it was fine until around the same time I woke up with injection marks on my finger and she started acting different too . So adds up to what i already knew about what at least 1 of my parents doing or both.

Understood, thanks for specifying. And yeah, you're right about life, the second you think 'oh this is the bottom' - the floor drops out.

 

[timetodie24]

Just venting

Growing increasingly suspicious of my mum . She's changed since they've started controlling her. Nothing major but I notice. And she was complaining how her watch keeps saying she's slept half the hours she actually has . And it's because those hours she's been controlled and awake without realising. But she's acting different too .

Sorry using this as self centred vent thread , pls feel free ignore or block me if you're sick of me !


But don't think i'm going to be able to sleep tonight. SH a little but it's not helping. My mum is up to something so will have to wait till she goes to work tomorrow to sleep . I'm losing my mind already and can't risk her implanting anything for system to gain more control. No way. Idk what to do about appt. tomorrow so that'll keep me up too.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

It's okay to vent! That's why it's here<3 I'm sorry you're maybe going to miss out on sleep, I hate that feeling too. Just take it a moment at a time<3

 

[rhiino]

I've been coughing for more than 3 months

I remember a case like that where a family member coughed very much for months. Turned out it was because of an aroma diffuser with essential oils.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm sorry you're feeling so conflicted too. I know it can be so confusing and exhausting fighting for support when suicidal, especially if you're not sure if you even want the help and/or whether anyone can help. It's so disheartening being knocked back by services. I really hope someone can offer you some good support soon. It's so unfair that any hope you have is being dwindled by them.

Yeah. Exhausting indeed. Don't think anyone can help, but feel I owe it myself to give it one more honest try. (Yes again ) Just so frustrating when months and months go by, just being on waiting lists.

Sorry using this as self centred vent thread , pls feel free ignore or block me if you're sick of me !


But don't think i'm going to be able to sleep tonight. SH a little but it's not helping. My mum is up to something so will have to wait till she goes to work tomorrow to sleep . I'm losing my mind already and can't risk her implanting anything for system to gain more control. No way. Idk what to do about appt. tomorrow so that'll keep me up too.

I'm sorry. No or little sleep sucks and can really mess with your head as well..
Might as well go? Let us know how it goes if you decide to go.. Always here for you to talk to or vent!

 

[timetodie24]

I'm sorry. No or little sleep sucks and can really mess with your head as well..
Might as well go? Let us know how it goes if you decide to go.. Always here for you to talk to or vent!

I did go and she was lovely as always. Longer appt. this time so exhausted . I did tell her about the anniversary being soon but didn't share when. Part of me wanted to tell her because i think she doesnt realise how soon I mean. Like my next appt. is very close to the deadline. I feel like stupidly for some reason I don't actually want to ctb before that date and definitely not with their method. Part of me wants someone to step in before then. I can't let 1000s of people die . But i'm not ready so very confused . And i could contact her or crisis team but i dont see what they can do. Kind of want someone to take the decision away from me but that's impossible. Because if i ask for help and tell them date then i'm basically deciding not to ctb yet and putting my life above 1000s of others which is cruel and disgusting . Even if they stop me doing it, it was my decision and fault for telling them
Maybe I'll never feel 100% ready though and just have to push myself to do it and trust the process, maybe drink beforehand to ease my nerves . I know ctb before deadline is the right choice , i'm just scared and cowardly

Sorry rambling, you dont have to reply and have enough on your own plate !

Thank you i hope your day is going ok.

 

[rhiino]

I know it can be so confusing and exhausting fighting for support when suicidal, especially if you're not sure if you even want the help and/or whether anyone can help. It's so disheartening being knocked back by services.

You speak from my heart. I can feel this so much.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I did go and she was lovely as always. Longer appt. this time so exhausted . I did tell her about the anniversary being soon but didn't share when. Part of me wanted to tell her because i think she doesnt realise how soon I mean. Like my next appt. is very close to the deadline. I feel like stupidly for some reason I don't actually want to ctb before that date and definitely not with their method. Part of me wants someone to step in before then. I can't let 1000s of people die . But i'm not ready so very confused . And i could contact her or crisis team but i dont see what they can do. Kind of want someone to take the decision away from me but that's impossible.

You could share it with her. She might be able to help you. Maybe not in the way you envision, but she wouldn't let you figure it out all by yourself either.

I know you firmly believe those things will happen, but they've told you more things that didn't come true.

If you are not ready, you're not ready. You mentioned being able to renegotiate your ctb date. Could you try again? Give EIP a bit more time as well maybe?

Because if i ask for help and tell them date then i'm basically deciding not to ctb yet and putting my life above 1000s of others which is cruel and disgusting .

No it's not. Only you think it is. I can think of so many ppl who aren't even half as considerate as you are. I'd rather you risk their lives by staying alive if you aren't ready for ctb than you doing what you don't want to do.

Aside from that you are only responsible for your own life! Not their lives. It would be too cruel of anyone to expect otherwise.

Even if they stop me doing it, it was my decision and fault for telling them
Maybe I'll never feel 100% ready though and just have to push myself to do it and trust the process, maybe drink beforehand to ease my nerves . I know ctb before deadline is the right choice , i'm just scared and cowardly
Sorry rambling, you dont have to reply and have enough on your own plate !

Thank you i hope your day is going ok.

You aren't cowardly at all. It takes guts to deal with the sort of shit you are going through! Let alone on your own.
I am a firm believer you need to be 100% sure before ctb. Because there is no way back. (As far as I know)

I love hearing from you!
My day is actually going pretty ok!

 

[timetodie24]

@UnrulyNightmare glad you're doing alright(ish) today.
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response, i really appreciate all your support and patience with my bullshit

I don't think I can re-negotiate this time. This weekend, it already passed the date that i got them to agree on . But then this is different as it's not the date i need to do it but the date that the whole system starts to break down. I can choose any ctb date before then. They're already taunting me as they know i'm weak and have doubts, they're not going to be lenient this time.

I don't understand why but I'm getting more sure I don't want to ctb within the next week.
But I have no choice. I'm not ready to die and I'm worried whether the system will leave my loved ones alone after . But i don't see any other way out of this now. Out of options. It sucks but I deserve it and i don't want to be here anyway.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Glad you're doing alright(ish) today.
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response, i really appreciate all your support and patience with my bullshit

Nah, not bullshit. Issues, like we all have, just in different forms

I don't think I can re-negotiate this time. This weekend, it already passed the date that i got them to agree on . But then this is different as it's not the date i need to do it but the date that the whole system starts to break down.

I'd say let it break down But I've always been a rebel
We'll find a way to survive and if not you've done nature and a lot of us on here a favour

I can choose any ctb date before then. They're already taunting me as they know i'm weak and have doubts, they're not going to be lenient this time.

I could give say a lot about you, but weak? Absolutely not. You're a person trying to survive an absolute impossibly shitty situation.

I don't understand why but I'm getting more sure I don't want to ctb within the next week.
But I have no choice. I'm not ready to die and I'm worried whether the system will leave my loved ones alone after . But i don't see any other way out of this now. Out of options. It sucks but I deserve it and i don't want to be here anyway.

I get not wanting to be here. You've said before, I think, that before this entire stuff with the system you already wanted to die.
But you do have a choice. I'll say it again If you are not ready, you are not ready! You don't deserve it either in my opinion.
Talk to the nice lady. (That sounds creepy. She got candy? )
But seriously, she will try to help you however she can. You don't need to be all alone in this!
Although you've got us here as well, it's not entirely the same.

 

[timetodie24]

Nah, not bullshit. Issues, like we all have, just in different forms

I'd say let it break down But I've always been a rebel
We'll find a way to survive and if not you've done nature and a lot of us on here a favour

I could give say a lot about you, but weak? Absolutely not. You're a person trying to survive an absolute impossibly shitty situation.

I get not wanting to be here. You've said before, I think, that before this entire stuff with the system you already wanted to die.
But you do have a choice. I'll say it again If you are not ready, you are not ready! You don't deserve it either in my opinion.
Talk to the nice lady. (That sounds creepy. She got candy? )
But seriously, she will try to help you however she can. You don't need to be all alone in this!
Although you've got us here as well, it's not entirely the same.

Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your kindness when you're going through so much yourself .
If i tell my care coordinator (the nice lady ) she'll likely involve crisis team who are pretty shit and means my family will find out something is up if crisis team come round.

Anyway i think the best thing I can do for me and everyone is to quit moaning and start planning .

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your kindness when you're going through so much yourself .
If i tell my care coordinator (the nice lady ) she'll likely involve crisis team who are pretty shit and means my family will find out something is up if crisis team come round.

I see how you would want to avoid that.
On the other hand it could help?
It's so damn difficult! You want to not be alone with your problems, but if you tell someone they might involve the crisis team. So shitty.
If you don't want to ctb yet that would probably work though?

Anyway i think the best thing I can do for me and everyone is to quit moaning and start planning .

Moan and vent all you like, that's what we are here for!
I'd rather not see you leave yet, even if I do understand why you would want to. Mixed feelings all the way. Working on it

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

@timetodie24 How are you doing?

 

[timetodie24]

@timetodie24 How are you doing?

I'm doing ok thanks for asking . Just quoted update below (from another thread) as that explains things.

Hope you're doing ok . Thank you for always being so kind and supportive so many times being there for me .

Take care

Thank you everyone so much, truly you are a wonderful, compassionate bunch of people .

I feel sick thinking about it, too numb to cry, it doesn't feel real but I think tomorrow is the day. No more fucking around. I keep treating this like some game when the whole world is going to fall apart. No more being in denial.
I wish it could end on my terms, but sadly it can't and that's life. I'm really afraid but tomorrow it has to be.

Thank you and wish you all well. I truly hope you all find some peace in some way

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm doing ok thanks for asking . Just quoted update below (from another thread) as that explains things.

Hope you're doing ok . Thank you for always being so kind and supportive so many times being there for me .

Take care

Oh shoot, I looked for a new thread from you but didn't find it.

Always

Whatever your decision, I'll be here