Venting Another boring rant

[usernamesarehard]

I cried today. Like uncontrollable sobbing, crying so hard that snot drips out of your nose like water. I haven't had that in a while. I used to be able to, but all the songs that affected me don't anymore.

My ex played a song and that one did finally get me to cry. Well the combo of that and him telling me he didn't love me romantically and probably never would. Something happened the other night that made me question his feelings and gave me a little hope, not much, but just enough where him saying that hurt.

I think I'm making peace with the idea I might ctb sometime soon. I think originally, when I started this thread, I didn't want to ctb for the right reasons. I don't want to get into it right now, or maybe ever. But, yeah. I think now my reasons are more reasonable. That's not the word I'm looking for.

Anyway, I'm currently reading 'suicidal, why we kill ourselves' and something that was mentioned in the book was that fake suicide notes, written by people who aren't suicidal, refer to other people and real suicide notes often focus on the person ctb. This is because suicidal people focus inwards.

I think I was in a vulnerable state when I first started this thread and wanted to ctb for the wrong reasons. Now my reasons are focused on me and my pain.

Idk, this all just feels pointless.

I feel better about the break up after crying, but I'm still pessimistic about dating. Which is hard. I loved him and felt safe with him. I want that again. But I don't want to get hurt again. And it feels like no one will ever love me the way he does. He said one night that he'd kill someone if they hurt me. I believe him. I think he would legitimately kill someone for me, even if I didn't want him to. I never asked him and he never said it, but I wouldn't be surprised if he said he would die for me to keep me safe.

To be clear, I never would want him to kill anyone for me. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. Best case he ends up in jail for the rest or his life, worst case he ends up getting himself killed. I do still love him and I don't wish for anything bad to happen to him. But I do believe him when he says that.

I don't know why he would. I'm not that special. And I'm not even that good of a person. I really don't know what he sees in me. Or what he saw in me.

My medication has been making me feel sick.

I think I'm done for now. I feel kind of lonely, so I guess I'll post here when I want to 'text' someone else.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I think I'm going to ctb this November. I'm just done. I am feeling better about the breakup after crying and I think my ex and I have a better relationship (as friends) since his revelation on shrooms.

Still though, I only want to be with him. I'll try going out and seeing what happens, but I think the breakup broke me and I won't be able to be fixed. I've been passively suicidal for years, almost a decade now. It wasn't until the breakup that I became actively suicidal.

I'm just tired and ready to go. I don't want to deal with the emotional pain anymore.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I think I only have one month left. Unless I pussy out. Which I probably will.

The heartbreak makes it seem like nothing's worth it.

But ignoring that. I'm just so....bored.
I'm so mind numbingly bored.
I don't look forward to anything. I wake up. Meander around for a bit. Go to work. Do a little work and then meander some more. Go home. The cycle repeats again. I used to look forward to the weekends. Now it's just 2 days of hell. I have nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one to see. The day passes by and nothing happens and nothing was done.

My plan for the next month is drink and sleep to get through the week and then I can ctb at the end of the month.

There is something that would keep me from doing that, but I doubt it would happen.