Venting Another boring rant

[usernamesarehard]

FUCK
I hate my life so much.
I keep on flip floping on how I feel. I can't just be consistent.
One minute I hate my ex for leaving me. The next I'm hurt that he left. One minute everything's fine and I'm planning to ctb when I'm 28 the next I'm miserable and planning to ctb next year.
I talked to him not too long ago. He said he had no intention on seeing anyone anytime soon and if he did it wouldn't be serious it would just be a fwb thing. And fuck that hurts. The thought that he could be sleeping with other women hurts.

I'm on tinder now. I get tons of matches, but very few conversations. It's hard for me to find someone on tinder because being physically attractive just isn't enough for me. I need to know a person's personality before I can have any real attraction to them. I'm just swiping, looking for someone like my ex. Tall (for the record he was 5'10" and that's basically what I'm looking for the whole 6' thing is dumb IMO), handsome, has or is working toward a good well paying job, fit, is willing to commit to me, finds me beautiful.

FUCK. I think I'm just going to ctb next year whether I really 'want' to or not. Or maybe I won't? Maybe I should just get off of tinder and focus on other stuff? But I don't leave the house, so I won't find anyone that way. And as much as I want to wait, I honestly don't think he's coming back. He doesn't love me, he doesn't want me and waiting will just be a mistake.

God I'm so tired. I'm so tired of wanting him. I'm so tired of being unable to find anyone. I'm so tired of life. Why am I waiting again? Why not just ctb this year? November's not too far away. Only 5 months. Techinally 4 if you don't count November itself.

At least it's not a year. A whole fucking year of repressing my sexuality, of constantly wondering who he's with, of flipping between being ok and wanting to die. A whole fucking year of being here. Venting to random people online. Hoping someone, ANYONE, reads this and replies. And it's not even a year! It's much longer than that. It's almost a year and a half! A fucking year and a half.

I know he used to be suicidal. Part of me hopes that he's on this website that he reads my threads and reaches out. But I know that's not going to happen. It's very unlikely he knows this site even exists. And if he did reach out, then what? He doesn't want me, we're not getting back together. Part of me wants to just be able to talk about these feelings with someone. And I trust him. I can't really talk to anyone else. I have one friend and I can't talk about this stuff with her. And I can't talk to my family for obvious reasons.

So here I am. Screaming into the void. With my mom's cat at my side.

I made a post about leaving a suicide note. I've decided to compile all my posts/ replies into a kind of suicide note. Well, I plan on writing an actual note addressed to him, so I guess it's a suicide note companion piece? This is the only place where I talk about these feelings so if my main goal is to describe my feelings in as much detail as possible to paint a full picture so he can completely understand my thoughts these posts are probably the only way I could do that.

God, I'm so fucking tired. I've been depressed probably since I was a sophomore in highschool. I was definitely suicidal by the time I was a junior. I'm 22. I've been this way since I was 15-16. I'll be 23 later this year. I'm 3 years away from being depressed/ suicidal for a decade. A fucking DECADE!

I've been depressed that no guys my age seemed interested in me. The few crushes I had didn't like me back and not boys my age ever showed interest. And then I found someone. Someone who genuinely loved me for me. Who was willing and able to commit. And now I'm back to being alone. I don't know if I can find someone else who would actually love me and want to commit. And who I would be attracted to. Should I lower my standards? I guess. But they really aren't that high to begin with. And would that even be fair to this hypothetical new partner? That I don't really like him and I'm always comparing him to my ex in my head.

It never fucking gets better. Maybe it does for a little bit, but then it just gets worse. You get used to your special brand of misery, so when things get better, it hurts that much more that things are worse.

Things sucked when I thought the issue was just that I was ugly. And miserable that no one wanted me. It's so much worse caring about other people.

Is there any GOOD reason I shouldn't ctb this year?

One thing that was keeping me going was the chance to reconnect with my ex and maybe get back together. But that's not happening. He claims he loves me. But he doesn't want me. And to hold on to hope is stupid. And now I'm wondering if I even should reconnect with him. I probably won't. If I'm going to ctb anyway there's no point in trying to be friends with him. And make myself suffer watching him date.

Yeah, fuck this. I'm not waiting until 28. At most I'll wait for November of next year. There's no point in making myself suffer like this. Maybe things will be fine and I'll change my mind, but as long as I'm on tinder it's just going to make things worse. But I can't leave. If I do I'll be alone forever. Well I guess I'd be alone until I'm 28.

I can't even cry to feel better. I don't know what the fuck happened to me. My rabbit died earlier this year and I couldn't cry. I put on sad music that used to make me cry and NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.

God I'm ready to go. Why don't I ctb today? I have my method. I have a car and money. I can leave, get a hotel and ctb without the chance of being 'saved.' Why don't I. Because I'm a giant coward. It's honestly kind of amazing that I don't jump at the sight of my own shadow. I've been kind of paranoid for as long as I can remember. I always have to have a heavy blanket when I'm sleeping because I'm paranoid that someone will break in and somehow a FUCKING BLANKET will protect me. Like it's summer here and we don't have central ac, so it gets hot. I can't sleep with just a sheet. I NEED a blanket. So I sweat like a stuck pig because I'm too fucking scared to not have a blanket. I've always been a giant pussy. I guess it's not surprising that I haven't even attempted. Honestly, if I got the courage to actually try that would be very surprising.

FUCK. He HATES me. Or at least hates being in a relationship with me. He's not coming back.

Should I ctb this year? What am I waiting for? What's going to change?

I have a pet rabbit and stupidly bought a leopard gecko a month before he broke up with me. It's so hard to take care of them. It's hard getting up in the morning. It's hard to get the energy to clean their cages. It's hard to just put food in their cages so they don't starve. Taking care of something else is so fucking hard.

I guess that's all for now. I can't really think of anything else. If you somehow managed to actually read this entire rant thank you. It means a lot to me.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I take welbutrin. It helps a lot with giving me motivation and energy. I'm wondering why I even bother. Why shouldn't I stop taking it and just work and sleep through the year?

God I'm so tired. It doesn't stop the tiredness. It doesn't stop the pain.

Why do I go to work? Why do I bother with school? I have two dates coming up, so I guess I'll keep tinder for now. But after that I'm just going to delete it. It doesn't do anything but make me miserable.

I guess I can use work, school, reading and just learning stuff as a distraction. I think I'm going to turn my phone off for a week. Probably once I delete tinder. I keep going to my messages. Hoping he texted. Hoping for something. It's not good for me.

I have a feeling he's going to call this weekend. He gets drunk and then just keeps calling me again and again until I answer. I'm going to have to ignore his calls. And then text him to leave me alone. So that's going to be fun.

Dating fucking sucks. All I'm doing is just looking for someone like him.

I guess that's another reason it's so hard to let go. He acts like he cares. And it keeps happening again and again. When we do meet and he's drunk, he acts like we're back together. He tells me he loves me. Both drunk and sober. He wants to be friends because he wants me in his life. He says he'll always love me. But then he's sober and reality kicks in and he says he doesn't want me.

I can't do this. I can't keep hanging on for someone who ultimately doesn't care. He SAYS he cares, but he doesn't SHOW he cares. But I don't think I'll find anything on tinder. I can't get attached to people based on some pictures and a bio.

I don't really know what I'll do. I guess I'll save this year. Plan some beach trips next year and then ctb in November. Maybe I'll try being his friend? I mean there's really no point in ghosting him. He'll probably find out about my death. It's probably better to just give him a note and enjoy what little time we'll have together. As friends. Because he's not coming back. And I have to tell myself that because if I don't I'll have hope. And FUCK I can't hold off ctb any longer than this. It's just dumb and pointless.

I have apricot seeds. They're in a reusable bag with some spices. They sit there, unopened. I've always been such a coward that I couldn't even open the fucking bag. And you know the sad thing? I FORGOT I even had them. Lol. Like I was suicidal while we were together, but I always imagined hanging myself because I FORGOT what my method was. And hanging is a pretty well known method. Like when people think suicide that's usually what they're thinking. I FUCKING FORGOT my method. Lol, what a fucking joke.

And I left this site. I never said anything. I never really posted until now. So I just quietly left, the same way I entered. I never really thought about this place until now.

I'm considering giving up my leopard gecko. I just can't provide the care she needs. Taking care of my rabbit is easy. But she requires more specialized care. And I just don't have the energy to meet her needs.

I guess this is what I'm doing now. I have a journal. I'm SUPPOSED to be writing there. But I write here instead. Why? Why do I want others to know? I guess it's for connection. For some small chance of connecting with someone.

Even if we did get back together, would it even be worth it? Or just delaying the inevitable? How would I know he wouldn't leave again? How could I be secure? Would it be a waste of time? Having hope this thing will work out and choosing to live for him. Just for him to leave again. And leave me broken again. And then I would have wasted however long choosing to stay alive instead of sticking to the original plan. I guess if we got back together and then broke up before next November then that wouldn't really change anything. I could still ctb next November.

I guess that's what I'll do. I'll save some money and reserve an abnb for next November. That way whether I choose to live or not at least I'll have my plan. It'll probably make interacting with him as a friend easier. I'm not waiting for something that may or may not happen. I'm not letting my destiny be in the hands of someone else. The pain is temporary. And I don't have to wait for something that might not happen. I just have to wait for something that WILL happen.

God, I'm honestly not looking forward to this. I'm a coward. The thought of ending myself scares me. But what other option is there? Wallow in misery for another 40-50 years?

Even if I forget him and get another job and get out of this shithole of a city. Would that change anything? Or would I still be depressed? Clinging onto anything that 'justifies' me staying alive. Because then I don't have to face the fact that I'm a coward. That I'm too scared to just go.

If I had committed years ago I wouldn't even BE in this fucking situation. But no, I can't. I HAVE to keep on living. Because I can't just take the jump.

Sometimes I imagine myself trying to commit, and then I'm saved. And I can finally have someone to talk to who cares, who doesn't judge me or guilt trip me. I finally have a reason to keep trying. But that's simply unrealistic. Things wouldn't get better if my family knew how serious of a problem this is. Honestly, they'd probably get worse!

So that's why I chose my method. I don't WANT to be saved. When I attempt it'll be because I'm ready. And I don't want to be another statistic of 'woman uses unreliable method and is saved.' I mean the least I can do is be part of the statistic that commits and dies. Help show that women commit suicide because they want to die, not because they're using it as a cry for help or for attention.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Pretty much just got home from work. It sucked. Work itself wasn't too bad. It's just doing anything in this mind state is hard.

I'm seriously contemplating if I should ctb this year. The only real benefit to waiting until next year is I can get an abnb for cheaper. Depending on where it is, if I wait until next year I'm paying half of what I would pay this year. One thing I could do is split the difference time wise. Like, instead of ctb in November I just choose another month where the rental costs the same. That way I ctb asap and I save money.

I know it sounds dumb to worry about saving money, but I want to give my mom as much money as possible. It won't be much, but it would be something.

I only had two reasons for waiting until next year and I don't care about either of them anymore.

I wanted to reconnect with my ex and see where things went. But I just don't care now. He doesn't want me, he's not coming back. Even if he leaves the door open and acts as if he loves me he just doesn't want me. And I know we'll never be together again. I honestly don't care about seeing him again. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't make things better. I don't care one way or the other. If I ctb this year and never see him again, so be it. If I ctb next year and hang out with him as friends and then ctb later that year, it wouldn't make a difference to me. I'd be dead either way. I gave him this stupid letter. I told him to give it back to me once he knows he never wants to give us a try again. I haven't gotten it back. But that means absolutely nothing. He told me he wakes up and I'm the first thing he thinks of. But none of that matters. There's no hope. The only hope I have is the hope I'm not found before I'm dead. I really don't want to be 'saved.' He kept on telling me I'd get over it, but I don't think he understands how bad my depression is.

I also wanted to get my accounting degree. I've wanted to be an accountant since I was in highschool, but I would've had to take out student loans and I didn't want to get in that rabbit hole. I've heard so many horror stories of people taking 20+ years to pay off their student loans. Anyway I found a school, wgu. You pay ~4k for access for 6 months and it's all self paced. So if you already know a lot about a specific field you can get a degree in 6 months or less. I wanted to study in advance as much as possible so I could blast through the cources and get my degree in 6 months.

But now I don't care. I can't focus enough to actually study. Why should I care? I'M GOING TO DIE NEXT YEAR ANYWAY. And that reality hit me. Like, why try? I won't get a new job with the degree. It isn't actually going to help me in any conceivable way. All it would do is keep me here longer and be something I can say I did. But does that even matter when you wouldn't be able to say that for long?

Like I said, I'm a giant pussy. The only reason I would focus on studying and actually TRY to get a degree is to have an excuse for why I can't attempt. I can't kill myself, I need to finish my bachelor's; well now that I have this I might as well as get a masters; well now that I have this I should try to get an internship; well I did that, I should get a job. Honestly I'm in such a bad mind state that I wouldn't be able to go to school anyway. I'd drop out pretty quickly. I just can't focus. I can't try.

I hate myself for putting myself in this position. I would never have been in this position if I had ctb 2 years ago when I first got the seeds. But no, ThInGS wiLL GeT BettEr. Yeah right. Things get better, then they get worse. They always get worse.

I can't wait for Saturday. I'm going to go out drinking. It's going to be nice. I don't really like alcohol all that much, so the thought of drinking everyday doesn't appeal to me. But yeah. I need a few minutes where I'm drunk. Even though it doesn't really do anything. At least it's something to do.

I'm honestly not surprised we broke up. My depression wore on him. It wasn't intentional, but even in times where I felt fine it still wore on him. And I'm just boring. I have no hobbies, no interests, no social skills, nothing. Holding a conversation takes genuine effort on my end because I simply don't have anything to talk about. No interesting takes, I don't keep up with the news, everything I used to love I don't anymore, so I can't talk about hobbies I used to have. I have nothing. I am nothing. Just another idiot, fumbling around, trying so hard to not fuck things up. I like listening to other people, but if I'm with another quiet person it's an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. Which is what happened.

I'm broken and I can't be fixed. I want love, I want connection, I should be able to get that. I'm not entitled to it or anything. But just based on my short experience on tinder, there are people out there who are interested. I'm self sabotaging by not doing the bare minimum. But I just can't get attached to pictures on a screen. And I can't go outside. It's too scary. I can't meet more people and deal with rejection. I've dealt with rejection for too long.

Why did I think that things were going to work out? For my entire life people have stayed away from me and never tried to have any connection with me. Why did I think things would be different?

 

[usernamesarehard]

I guess I'm using this as some sort of public diary. Is there any point it writing this? Does anyone care? Should I care about that? Caring about attention probably isn't good, but I'm not looking for that. I'm looking for connection. Oh,well. I guess I'll keep posting until I can't.

Today sucked.

Another long day at work where the only thing I could think of is death.

I wrote this earlier:
The date for this week was a bust. He wanted to hang out tonight. I work 2-10pm so I wouldn't be home until 10:15. I'd need time to shower and get wherever we're going so realistically we probably couldn't meet up until 11:30. He said it was too late and asked to meet at my place and for my address. I'm not super comfortable giving a random stranger who I never met my address. I guess I could ask if we could meet tomorrow. But honestly I'm just too tired to care. The other guy who I'm supposed to meet next week asked for my phone number. I don't really want to give it to him simply because it's not going to go anywhere. I know people like me are what's wrong with the dating pool. I'm emotionally unavailable. And I'm probably just going to ghost these guys. I feel bad about it. I don't want to do that to them and fuck up their experience dating, but I just can't do this anymore.

There's no point in getting a boyfriend anyway. I'll probably be dead next year. I COULD be emotionally available. But it would be for someone I meet in person. I just can't grow an attachment to pictures on a screen.

I think I'm just going to avoid dating and rot in peace. Japanese, videogames, reading, work, studying (for all the good that'll do). That's my plan.

I'm pretty much full mask off when it comes to trying to hide my depression. No one notices. I've always had resting bitch face. So for everyone else I guess it doesn't seem like things have changed.

I'm friendly with my coworkers, but none of them are my friends.

Don't know if it's even worth getting a boyfriend. I'm depressed. I'll always be depressed. I'll fuck up any relationship I'm in because I'm depressed and boring.

I think I might have been wrong about the calling thing. He didn't call tonight. So he probably won't tomorrow to. I actually called him and he declined the call. I went over to his place, I don't know if he wasn't there or didn't answer the door, but I didn't see him. I deleted all of our messages and deleted his number. So hopefully I won't be compelled to try to talk to him.

I guess I'll give this gug my number. I'm just going to force myself to go out. For all the good that'll do.

I don't know if I want to get better or if I want to ctb. I don't think I really WANT to ctb. Well right now I do and if it wasn't for the fact that I can't get an abnb at a nice price for a month and I don't have note and I don't have enough money saved up and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and fear and

I don't care about seeing him, I don't care about dating, I don't care about hobbies, I don't care about studying or school or work or changing jobs or moving

I JUST DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE

I want something I can have control over. I can't control my emotions or other people's emotions or even my own destiny. Why shouldn't I control my own death? I was driving and I wanted so badly to speed up and let go of the wheel. There was barely anyone around. No one else would've been hurt. Why am I here? Why am I trying? Why do I care? About him or anyone else? God I wish the drugs could numb me. I've heard that some people can't feel emotions on certain SSRIs. They say they're in a zombie state, but that would be nice now. No emotions. Just moving. Just continuing day by day. No care. I don't think if I asked for this side effect that my psych would actually prescribe meds to do that. I think they generally try to avoid that. I felt a lot better emotionally on zoloft. So I'm asking to be put back on that. As far as the no emotions go. I have a visit to my councilor next week. I guess I'll ask her about that and see what the reaction is.

Alright. I need to ctb next year. November? Maybe. I only planned that because I wanted to work on trying to finish my degree in 6 months. I would start march and end in august. So I'd have two months of 'relaxation' from all that and then I'd leave in November and ctb at the end of the month. I chose November because it's a special month to me.

I just need to make it through this week.

God I love this fucking cat. The comfort I get from her presence is nice.

Alright get calendar, turn off phone?, count down the days, read, videogames, study.
Work on notes. List mom as person who gets my money when I die with banks. Look up cremation prices. I think it was 6k for viewing and cremation. I don't want a casket and all that. It simply costs too much. Think. Plan finances. Look at how much I could save between now and next year. See if that's enough. It won't be, but it'll have to do. Therapy? Try to get better? Nothing else in my life works I have no control over anything. Nothing important I mean. Does anyone really give a shit what movie I watch and on what day. No. When someone says they have no control over their lives they're usually not talking about shit like that.

Alright it's almost 5am and ive been up since 9am. I guess it's time to sleep.

 

[usernamesarehard]

It's kind of odd to see how many views this thread gets. Do people like reading this? Does anyone read the whole thing? Do people click on this by accident and then leave? Do they leave once they realize how fucking long these rants are? IDK. I try to make these posts at least 1,000 words long, so these rants are REALLY fucking long. Anyway the last time I wrote was very late Friday night/very early Saturday morning. Some things have happened since then.

Saturday night a friend/co-worker gave me a call. It was completely unexpected. We had reconnected last week if I'm not mistaken. We reconnected because my ex told him he should check up on me. The original reason I stepped away from being his friend was because my ex was uncomfortable with how close I was to him.

Anyway, we had an interesting conversation to say the least. I can't remember all of it, my memory has always kind of sucked. Some things I do remember, in no particular order:
-he said we were both incredibly toxic people and we probably weren't good for each other
-he said my ex was kind of narcissistic and had a bit of an inflated ego and I had low self-esteem so that's one reason things didn't work out
-it was dumb that I want to get back together with my ex
-he mentioned my ex was spiraling. He clearly has a drinking problem. And it's probably not a good idea for him to drink this much since he already has a DUI. (Personally I REALLY think it's not a good idea for him to drink this much because he was drinking like this before he even got his breathalyzer off of his car.)
-I don't remember what I said, but at some point he said "man, fuck [ex's name]", which made me feel slightly better
-he also mentioned not understanding me

He also told a lot of stories about his life, things I won't repeat here for privacy reasons and because those aren't my stories to tell.

I called him (my ex) Sunday to see if he wanted to go back into alcoholism and to try to convince him to get help. He essentially told me to fuck off. I get it. For the last few weeks I've been trying to convince him to get back together with me. So in his mind this is me trying to get the relationship back instead of inquire about a friend. Eh, you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink. He said he'd text when he's ready to be friends again so I guess I'll wait for that time and bring it up again. Hopefully he'll understand it's coming from a genuine place of concern then.

Idk, the call with the co-worker made me question things. For the last few weeks I've wanted to ctb because my SI doesn't exist anymore and I'm just tired. I'm tired of being depressed and suicidal, I'm tired of feeling unfulfilled, I'm tired of stopping myself from ctb every day. And I also want some kind of purpose and something to look forward to. Spending my days preparing sounds nice, it gives me a clear goal to achieve, clear directions to follow. I want to ctb November of next year. Before I was only focused on getting back together with my ex, but now I can focus on being excited for making it to November. But after talking with someone else about my suicidal ideation and hearing about his experience when his best friend committed suicide. I question whether ctb is the right choice.

Idk if this is just another burst of not caring and I'll eventually swing back to loving him. But I feel like I'm just over him. I was thinking about what he said yesterday and how he said it, he kind of sounded like a dick. I'm used to him being an asshole drunk, but having him be this way sober has just made me not want to be with him. For the first time I looked at someone's profile on tinder and actually thought they were someone I'd consider dating. I usually look at pfps and say, yeah they look attractive, but I couldn't imagine actually dating him. I also fantasize about being in a relationship with a nondescript guy. I don't want to be with him. I just want someone to do stuff with and cuddle.

I HAVE to get out and find someone.
-attractive (which to me is just average)
-has a decent job (60k per year is the average, so that's good enough)
-likes me and doesn't treat me poorly

I have a date coming up this Saturday. I honestly don't think things will go much further than that. I'm just not all that interested in this guy. I'm not really excited for the date. I'm mostly going to just get some practice going out on a date. I don't think I'll ghost him. But I'll let him know after a day or two I just don't think things are going to work out.

I signed up for some events on the weekend. It's just crochet meet up on zoom and some walks around the city/in parks. I really hope I meet someone while I'm going to these events. If not I might just have to accept that love isn't for me and find a way to be happy rotting.

 

[usernamesarehard]

-he also mentioned not understanding me
I guess I'll start my next rant here. Lately I've been feeling like the way other people perceive me and the way I perceive myself are completely different. Well it's not something I thought of recently, for at least a year I've felt this way. It started at work. I can't think of exactly what my coworkers said, but none of it felt like it actually applied to me. All of what they said was positive, but it all felt wrong, like they were talking about a different person. Then my ex. He called me beautiful. During one of the last times we had sex he said I was sexy and way too hot for him. From what I remember during the call with my coworker he said he didn't understand me because I 'wasn't dumb' he said I was smart and I think he brought up that once I was talking with someone things were ok, I just wasn't able to start the interaction. I also got a pm that said I had high self respect. I looked through a lot of my posts to see where they could've gotten that from. For the last month I've done nothing but cry about how my ex dumped me and how I begged to be back with him and went out of my way to see him even though I knew he didn't want me. He consistently acted like he loved me when he was drunk and then iced me out when he was sober. I knew what the outcome of me seeing him would be. But I was so desperate to be with him that I ignored that. I already didn't have much, if any self respect because of the way I let him treat me throughout the relationship. Whatever small scraps of self respect I had were definitely gone after that.

The way other people see me is the complete opposite to how I see myself. Is that why my ex and I didn't work out? Because he was able to see past the mask and see who I really was, and he realized that he didn't like that person. Or rather that that person was just unlikable.

Anyway, I've been doing some thinking about my ex and realized a few things. I think I'm mostly over my ex. There are times when it still hurts, but I'm ready to move on and find someone else. I was reading my diary and realized that neither of us were really happy in that relationship. There are many entries where I have some kind of issue with the way he treated/talked to me. I was writing an entry I had typed into my physical diary and I asked if being with him was worth the treatment I was getting and why I even stayed. He also wrote down many of his thoughts in many different notebooks and a lot of the entries he made there about me were negative. We had happy memories/moments, but we weren't happy in the relationship. My ex said he fell out of love with me because I put up with a lot of verbal abuse from him while he was drunk and he said that made him feel like I was with him because I HAD to be not because I wanted to be. I think its kind of fucked up that he would leave me because of HIS poor actions instead of just changing his actions and treating me better. I also realized that I don't want to try to get back with someone who left me. If he really loved me, if he really wanted to be with me, we would've worked something out. I get that he's in school and that is stressful, but if he needed time to focus on school, we could've taken a break so he could focus on that, but still stayed together. I even offered that.

I also realized that if someone really loves you they won't leave just because their feelings changed. Feelings change all the time. There are plenty of husbands who don't leave their wives just because they 'aren't feeling it anymore.' They stay because they love their partner. I'm not saying two people who are absolutely miserable should stay together or that someone should put up with abuse, just that the types of people who you want to marry will be loyal, even if they momentarily don't 'feel it.'

Going forward if/when we do become friends I'm setting hard boundaries:
-we only hang out once a week and its to do some activity
-no talking about relationships
-no hanging out in places we used to when we were together
-calling/texting is kept to a minimum
-I'll bring up him getting help ONCE (maybe I won't even do that), after that, I'm not bringing up him getting help, if he doesn't want it and wants to potentially destroy his life, that's on him
-I can't care anymore about him, I don't wish for anything bad to happen, but i can't care if he becomes a hardcore alcoholic and drinks everyday or about any bad thing that may be happening or that he is inflicting on himself

I need to do this for my own sake. I asked chat gpt some questions about the break up. There was a lot there that doesn't matter, but some things that I thought were good were:
-no emotional talks
-no physical closeness
-he wants to keep you close emotionally, but not as a partner
-he's keeping a version of the emotional connection alive while protecting his freedom to move on

Changing our relationship is the best thing for me. If he really JUST wants to be friends, then hanging out once a week for an hour or two max should be enough. If he wants someone to be emotional with he can talk to whoever he meets next or one of his male friends. We're not together anymore, anything more than a hug hello and goodbye is too much. I had a friend like this. We didn't have an inappropriate relationship, we went out once a week to have fun with someone we thought was cool. If he's not ok with that that either means he wants the benefits of having a girlfriend without having any kind of commitment, which I'm NOT ok with or he DOES want to be with me, but won't let himself for whatever reason, in which case he has to figure his shit out, because I'm not making that MY problem.

I have a tinder date this Saturday. I'm going to cancel that. I'm just not that into the guy. I originally was going to go just to get experience going out on dates, but I don't really want to do that. I only wanted to go out on as many dates as possible so when my ex and I reconnected, I would be better at dating. Now I'm more focused on finding someone else. I'll go out on a date when I find a guy I'm actually interested in and to learn more about him, not to get practice to get back with my ex.

I can't wait for him to give that stupid letter back.

 

[wham311]

It's kind of odd to see how many views this thread gets. Do people like reading this? Does anyone read the whole thing? Do people click on this by accident and then leave? Do they leave once they realize how fucking long these rants are? IDK. I try to make these posts at least 1,000 words long, so these rants are REALLY fucking long. Anyway the last time I wrote was very late Friday night/very early Saturday morning. Some things have happened since then.

Saturday night a friend/co-worker gave me a call. It was completely unexpected. We had reconnected last week if I'm not mistaken. We reconnected because my ex told him he should check up on me. The original reason I stepped away from being his friend was because my ex was uncomfortable with how close I was to him.

Anyway, we had an interesting conversation to say the least. I can't remember all of it, my memory has always kind of sucked. Some things I do remember, in no particular order:
-he said we were both incredibly toxic people and we probably weren't good for each other
-he said my ex was kind of narcissistic and had a bit of an inflated ego and I had low self-esteem so that's one reason things didn't work out
-it was dumb that I want to get back together with my ex
-he mentioned my ex was spiraling. He clearly has a drinking problem. And it's probably not a good idea for him to drink this much since he already has a DUI. (Personally I REALLY think it's not a good idea for him to drink this much because he was drinking like this before he even got his breathalyzer off of his car.)
-I don't remember what I said, but at some point he said "man, fuck [ex's name]", which made me feel slightly better
-he also mentioned not understanding me

He also told a lot of stories about his life, things I won't repeat here for privacy reasons and because those aren't my stories to tell.

I called him (my ex) Sunday to see if he wanted to go back into alcoholism and to try to convince him to get help. He essentially told me to fuck off. I get it. For the last few weeks I've been trying to convince him to get back together with me. So in his mind this is me trying to get the relationship back instead of inquire about a friend. Eh, you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink. He said he'd text when he's ready to be friends again so I guess I'll wait for that time and bring it up again. Hopefully he'll understand it's coming from a genuine place of concern then.

Idk, the call with the co-worker made me question things. For the last few weeks I've wanted to ctb because my SI doesn't exist anymore and I'm just tired. I'm tired of being depressed and suicidal, I'm tired of feeling unfulfilled, I'm tired of stopping myself from ctb every day. And I also want some kind of purpose and something to look forward to. Spending my days preparing sounds nice, it gives me a clear goal to achieve, clear directions to follow. I want to ctb November of next year. Before I was only focused on getting back together with my ex, but now I can focus on being excited for making it to November. But after talking with someone else about my suicidal ideation and hearing about his experience when his best friend committed suicide. I question whether ctb is the right choice.

Idk if this is just another burst of not caring and I'll eventually swing back to loving him. But I feel like I'm just over him. I was thinking about what he said yesterday and how he said it, he kind of sounded like a dick. I'm used to him being an asshole drunk, but having him be this way sober has just made me not want to be with him. For the first time I looked at someone's profile on tinder and actually thought they were someone I'd consider dating. I usually look at pfps and say, yeah they look attractive, but I couldn't imagine actually dating him. I also fantasize about being in a relationship with a nondescript guy. I don't want to be with him. I just want someone to do stuff with and cuddle.

I HAVE to get out and find someone.
-attractive (which to me is just average)
-has a decent job (60k per year is the average, so that's good enough)
-likes me and doesn't treat me poorly

I have a date coming up this Saturday. I honestly don't think things will go much further than that. I'm just not all that interested in this guy. I'm not really excited for the date. I'm mostly going to just get some practice going out on a date. I don't think I'll ghost him. But I'll let him know after a day or two I just don't think things are going to work out.

I signed up for some events on the weekend. It's just crochet meet up on zoom and some walks around the city/in parks. I really hope I meet someone while I'm going to these events. If not I might just have to accept that love isn't for me and find a way to be happy rotting.

Where do you see views

 

[usernamesarehard]

Where do you see views

If you're on a computer it'll be right next to the post, on the right before you click on the post. If you're on mobile you can't see it. You'll have to click on 'desktop site' in whatever browser you're using to see view/reply counts.

 

[VargosMelon]

-he also mentioned not understanding me
I guess I'll start my next rant here. Lately I've been feeling like the way other people perceive me and the way I perceive myself are completely different. Well it's not something I thought of recently, for at least a year I've felt this way. It started at work. I can't think of exactly what my coworkers said, but none of it felt like it actually applied to me. All of what they said was positive, but it all felt wrong, like they were talking about a different person. Then my ex. He called me beautiful. During one of the last times we had sex he said I was sexy and way too hot for him. From what I remember during the call with my coworker he said he didn't understand me because I 'wasn't dumb' he said I was smart and I think he brought up that once I was talking with someone things were ok, I just wasn't able to start the interaction. I also got a pm that said I had high self respect. I looked through a lot of my posts to see where they could've gotten that from. For the last month I've done nothing but cry about how my ex dumped me and how I begged to be back with him and went out of my way to see him even though I knew he didn't want me. He consistently acted like he loved me when he was drunk and then iced me out when he was sober. I knew what the outcome of me seeing him would be. But I was so desperate to be with him that I ignored that. I already didn't have much, if any self respect because of the way I let him treat me throughout the relationship. Whatever small scraps of self respect I had were definitely gone after that.

The way other people see me is the complete opposite to how I see myself. Is that why my ex and I didn't work out? Because he was able to see past the mask and see who I really was, and he realized that he didn't like that person. Or rather that that person was just unlikable.

Anyway, I've been doing some thinking about my ex and realized a few things. I think I'm mostly over my ex. There are times when it still hurts, but I'm ready to move on and find someone else. I was reading my diary and realized that neither of us were really happy in that relationship. There are many entries where I have some kind of issue with the way he treated/talked to me. I was writing an entry I had typed into my physical diary and I asked if being with him was worth the treatment I was getting and why I even stayed. He also wrote down many of his thoughts in many different notebooks and a lot of the entries he made there about me were negative. We had happy memories/moments, but we weren't happy in the relationship. My ex said he fell out of love with me because I put up with a lot of verbal abuse from him while he was drunk and he said that made him feel like I was with him because I HAD to be not because I wanted to be. I think its kind of fucked up that he would leave me because of HIS poor actions instead of just changing his actions and treating me better. I also realized that I don't want to try to get back with someone who left me. If he really loved me, if he really wanted to be with me, we would've worked something out. I get that he's in school and that is stressful, but if he needed time to focus on school, we could've taken a break so he could focus on that, but still stayed together. I even offered that.

I also realized that if someone really loves you they won't leave just because their feelings changed. Feelings change all the time. There are plenty of husbands who don't leave their wives just because they 'aren't feeling it anymore.' They stay because they love their partner. I'm not saying two people who are absolutely miserable should stay together or that someone should put up with abuse, just that the types of people who you want to marry will be loyal, even if they momentarily don't 'feel it.'

Going forward if/when we do become friends I'm setting hard boundaries:
-we only hang out once a week and its to do some activity
-no talking about relationships
-no hanging out in places we used to when we were together
-calling/texting is kept to a minimum
-I'll bring up him getting help ONCE (maybe I won't even do that), after that, I'm not bringing up him getting help, if he doesn't want it and wants to potentially destroy his life, that's on him
-I can't care anymore about him, I don't wish for anything bad to happen, but i can't care if he becomes a hardcore alcoholic and drinks everyday or about any bad thing that may be happening or that he is inflicting on himself

I need to do this for my own sake. I asked chat gpt some questions about the break up. There was a lot there that doesn't matter, but some things that I thought were good were:
-no emotional talks
-no physical closeness
-he wants to keep you close emotionally, but not as a partner
-he's keeping a version of the emotional connection alive while protecting his freedom to move on

Changing our relationship is the best thing for me. If he really JUST wants to be friends, then hanging out once a week for an hour or two max should be enough. If he wants someone to be emotional with he can talk to whoever he meets next or one of his male friends. We're not together anymore, anything more than a hug hello and goodbye is too much. I had a friend like this. We didn't have an inappropriate relationship, we went out once a week to have fun with someone we thought was cool. If he's not ok with that that either means he wants the benefits of having a girlfriend without having any kind of commitment, which I'm NOT ok with or he DOES want to be with me, but won't let himself for whatever reason, in which case he has to figure his shit out, because I'm not making that MY problem.

I have a tinder date this Saturday. I'm going to cancel that. I'm just not that into the guy. I originally was going to go just to get experience going out on dates, but I don't really want to do that. I only wanted to go out on as many dates as possible so when my ex and I reconnected, I would be better at dating. Now I'm more focused on finding someone else. I'll go out on a date when I find a guy I'm actually interested in and to learn more about him, not to get practice to get back with my ex.

I can't wait for him to give that stupid letter back.

This has been an amazing development to read! I truly hope that you can find the person who will stand by you, cherish, and love you. :3 Peace be with you :3

 

[usernamesarehard]

Honesty.
It's something I've struggled with. I don't know for how long. Maybe forever. Was there ever a time in my life where I was always 100% honest? That's not to say I lie all the time. I am honest in certain situations and I'm not in others. I think most people are like that. Until now I never realized how dishonest I am. Me not being to be 100% honest is one of the many problems we had in our relationship. It's hard for me to be completely honest. Being completely honest means letting someone hurt you. So I lie. Not always outright. Sometimes just lies of omission or little white lies.

Sometimes you have to lie. I'm positive almost everyone on this site lies.
"Hey, how's it going?" "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine, how are you?" "I'm doing good/well, how are you?"
Sometimes you HAVE to lie. To avoid being ostracized, locked in a hospital, completely and totally alone. I was depressed and suicidal. And I could tell him a little about that. But I couldn't be completely honest. But that doesn't excuse everything. There are times where I should have been honest, but couldn't be. Because of trust issues. It's kind of sad that I was only able to trust him once he left.

I never really realized I had a problem until I came here. And realized that I'm just not able to be honest. There's no point. Even if you are honest, sometimes no one cares. And you still have to struggle alone. It's better to not be honest, than to be honest and feel like no one cares enough to help. I guess also, when you've been lying for as long as I have, you forget how to tell the truth. I'm fine. I'm perfectly ok. Everything's going great. I'm not depressed. That's just resting bitch face. And suicidal? Nope, never heard of her. A method? No, I'm just a little depressed, I'd never. A trip, where you bring your method with you, a final farewell to this shitty world? Just a vacation. I'm tired. I just want to relax. And explore the world a little. Everything's ok.

Anyway. Back to being honest here. I realized that the only place where I could be 100% honest was here. I don't have to lie about being suicidal. I don't have to pretend I'm not depressed. I can freely mention I'm considering ctb. I can tell someone, anyone, that I might not come back from the trip I'm taking next year. And that's ok. I'm so used to lying, to pretending I'm someone I'm not, to trying to live up to other's perception on who I am, that I forgot WHO I was. I still don't think I really know. But, I feel a lot better. I can go out and lie and be ok with that. Because I have an outlet here.

I just finished a stupid project. All it did was make me feel worse. I wrote a lot in a txt file. It was basically a digital diary. I rewrote everything I had there into my physical diary. I just love having a physical diary. And over the course of the last few weeks I've been thinking about him and the relationship. He really did love me. Despite all the issues we had, I can't say he didn't love me. I remember one night he told me if we broke up he'd want to stay in contact and that if anyone hurt me he'd kill them. I think back to how he was when we started dating and how he is now. It's like he's a completely different person. Was it the alcohol, or was it me? Did I make him into this?

I'm talking to a guy on tinder now. Hopefully we could start dating. I hope having someone else to spend time with and love will get rid of these feelings.

Thinking about this is what makes me want to ctb. The idea that I may never find someone who loves me as much as he did.

I'll see how things go with this guy. And see where my ex is at when we meet up again and go from there. If I think this guy is worth it or if my ex wants to try again I won't ctb. If not and I don't like life I will. Or maybe I'll chicken out. Hopefully not, but hey, it wouldn't be the first time a member of this forum postponed their date and it won't be the last.

I'm planning on reading as much as I can this year and next year in November I'll focus on reading my absolute favorite books.

What I might do is if he doesn't make a move by October, and he still has the note, I'll ask him out and see where things go. I still don't really know if I want to ctb or not. I'm slightly leaning towards yes. Is there a reason to keep going if you can't be with the person you love? Maybe. I guess I have 490 days to find out.

I went on a hike today. I found the group through a meet up app. It was nice. It was nice to go out and enjoy nature. I haven't been on a walk since the break up. I talked to a few different people. And I was able to hold a conversation! That was something my ex complained about a lot.

I considered giving up my leopard gecko. I don't think I will. It's easy to say when it's a gecko in a tank you never see. She would hide in her rock all day every day. She's moved to a little cave I can see inside of. She's so cute. It'll be hard. I'm tired and the depression wears on me. But I'll try my best. For her.

I kind of want to be a writer. It's never really been that appealing to me. I like to read, but not write. But all of this has been fun. I like seeing the end product, but the journey is also fun. I think I just love the clickety-clack of the keyboard.

 

[usernamesarehard]

This sucks. I'm tired of caring about my ex. I'm tired of wanting him. I'm tired of considering ctb just because I can't be with him. What happened? Before I was just operating on fear and hope that things would get better. Now I'm operating on copium and the feeling that this situation won't change. The feelings will. Everyone says it stops hurting eventually. But will that take away the idea that I can't be with who has genuine love for me? Idk. That's why I'm giving myself a year. To hopefully fix this shit and feel better. But none of this should even matter to me. He left me, presumably because alcohol was more important than me. I guess I'm happy the break up happened. I wouldn't have tried to fix some issues I have/had if I wasn't thrust back into the lonely, miserable live I had before. I finally understand some of the issues he had. We're not getting back together. He'll find someone else. And I'll ctb. Oh well, I think this is how my story was always supposed to end.

What do I want? It's a question I ask myself every day. Do I want to die? Or do I want to live? Do I seek happiness, or death? The answer is going to be death if I don't just forget about him. Forget that he exists. Forget that we were together. Forget who he was. Accept who he is. An alcoholic who didn't care enough to stay.

I'm pretty sure I just lost the love of my life. He's ignoring me now. What do I do?
Give him space. Men respond to silence. Give him time to breathe, to think, to process. If it's been 2–3 weeks and you've heard nothing, send him either a text or an e-mail apologizing for whatever it is that caused the breakup if you feel you are the one to blame. If he is the one who broke up with you, it is incumbent upon him to apologize. If it's meant to be, the two of you will be back together. Time, distance, and space will either make him miss you terribly and chase you, or not. Best of luck and I sincerely hope your love comes back to you.

This is important. I told him I wouldn't ask him out because one of the many reasons we broke up is because he couldn't express his emotions. He'd bottle everything up and lie. I need to know he's capable of being able to be honest with his emotions.

Rejected for being too loud and rambunctious; rejected for being too quiet. I don't know what happened. Where the social anxiety came from. I don't know what I'm doing. So many people say I'm smart, but that doesn't feel true the longer I go on.

A wise person said it's a terrible idea to focus on recovery and ctb plans at the same time. I'm finding that that is true. The more I think about him and about ctb, the more I want to choose that path. I'll give myself the next month to get my affairs in order, maybe the next two. But after that I'm going to focus on recovery and forgetting my ex.

I've worked on a playlist for my family of all my favorite songs.

I guess I'll focus on getting my degree and moving out of state or at least a good 2+ hours out of the city. It helps me move on in a way. I'm not staying out of hope.

I think I'm going to try to leave this place. Not forever, but just for a bit. To get myself off the suicide discussions forum.