qualityOV3Rquantity
Experienced
- Jul 27, 2024
- 259
I have IBS and tinnitus, which already affect every part of my life, and just in the past few weeks, I think another issue is arising. I don't want to be specific because I'm seriously too scared to even describe it, but it is causing me more pain than the previous two conditions I already have.
I'm so scared, I'm fucking terrified. I'm not scared it's cancer, I would be relieved if it was cancer. I'm worried it is something the doctors will say is 'not serious' but that I nonetheless must learn to 'manage' and 'live with', just like my previous conditions. But it lowes my quality of life. I can't focus, I can't sit, I can't be in the moment. I meditated for years, but all that is gone, because I've learned that you can't always just 'be in the moment' when you're in pain. Not all problems exist only outside the body. Some problems infect every part of you, they are indistinguishable from you.
I want to get better, I don't want to die, I want to live so my family doesn't need to suffer. I want to be there for my best friend who said she would be lost without me. I want to make it to the end of my life so I can look to the sky and tell God 'despite all my mistakes, I did my best, I endured until the end'. But it becomes harder and harder to imagine my life ending any other way than suicide. It feels that at a certain point, platitudes, treatments, and even faith no longer help. At a certain point, life becomes impossible to live.
I hope so strongly that this issue passes. I have had extreme health anxiety ever since I developed IBS and tinnitus, and there are certainly many things I've worried are permanent that eventually passed. I hope this too passes in the next few weeks, or I worry I will spiral down again, and no longer be able to work, exercise, spend time with family and friends, or any of the other things I still manage to do to trick myself into thinking I'm a normal functional person, that I'm not absolutely fucking doomed.
I'm so scared, I'm fucking terrified. I'm not scared it's cancer, I would be relieved if it was cancer. I'm worried it is something the doctors will say is 'not serious' but that I nonetheless must learn to 'manage' and 'live with', just like my previous conditions. But it lowes my quality of life. I can't focus, I can't sit, I can't be in the moment. I meditated for years, but all that is gone, because I've learned that you can't always just 'be in the moment' when you're in pain. Not all problems exist only outside the body. Some problems infect every part of you, they are indistinguishable from you.
I want to get better, I don't want to die, I want to live so my family doesn't need to suffer. I want to be there for my best friend who said she would be lost without me. I want to make it to the end of my life so I can look to the sky and tell God 'despite all my mistakes, I did my best, I endured until the end'. But it becomes harder and harder to imagine my life ending any other way than suicide. It feels that at a certain point, platitudes, treatments, and even faith no longer help. At a certain point, life becomes impossible to live.
I hope so strongly that this issue passes. I have had extreme health anxiety ever since I developed IBS and tinnitus, and there are certainly many things I've worried are permanent that eventually passed. I hope this too passes in the next few weeks, or I worry I will spiral down again, and no longer be able to work, exercise, spend time with family and friends, or any of the other things I still manage to do to trick myself into thinking I'm a normal functional person, that I'm not absolutely fucking doomed.
