Resource Anxiety/Panic/OCD/Intrusive Thoughts Support Megathread

[waRmblanket]

This is a Megathread where members who are suffering anxiety, panic, OCD, and intrusive thoughts can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Thank you for making this thread. I'll post later.

 

[Zebulon]

As someone with Social Phobia (sometimes with a panic attack) and ADHD: My psychiatrist wanted to prescribe me Sertraline. Does it even do anything? There is a comprehensive metanalysis from the cochrane institut that SSRI's arent that much more effective than placebo medication. And do they even help with anxiety?

I dont wanna get fatter when it doenst do shit in the end for anxiety and ofc im scared of what it will do anyway.

 

[junko]

I refuse to start over, but it's my only other option besides CTB. I've had too many restarts in my life. I haven't been able to breathe bc of the anxiety. I can't figure a way out that doesn't involve CTB.

 

[Cloud Busting]

As someone with Social Phobia (sometimes with a panic attack) and ADHD: My psychiatrist wanted to prescribe me Sertraline. Does it even do anything? There is a comprehensive metanalysis from the cochrane institut that SSRI's arent that much more effective than placebo medication. And do they even help with anxiety?

I dont wanna get fatter when it doenst do shit in the end for anxiety and ofc im scared of what it will do anyway.

I took Zoloft, and I would say it helped control my obsessions/intrusive thoughts to a degree, but the side effects were terrible. Celexa was more manageable and also helped with racing thoughts, but the blunt effect just wasn't worth it. I'm taking Effexor and imo it doesn't do shit. I am less irritable, but idk if that's why.

For general anxiety (GAD)/panic attacks I don't find anti-depressants helpful. Buspirone is commonly prescribed for GAD but I haven't tried it. Hydroxzine didn't do shit (it's basically Benadryl.)

The only meds that I have found helpful are Benzos, beta blockers, and psilocybin (unless I have a bad trip lol.)

Of course this is just my experience. Talk with a doc and do your own research.

 

[edu0z]

As someone with Social Phobia (sometimes with a panic attack) and ADHD: My psychiatrist wanted to prescribe me Sertraline. Does it even do anything? There is a comprehensive metanalysis from the cochrane institut that SSRI's arent that much more effective than placebo medication. And do they even help with anxiety?

I dont wanna get fatter when it doenst do shit in the end for anxiety and ofc im scared of what it will do anyway.

I was on sertraline and alprazolam for a few months...it really helped me with my anxiety, at least for a a while

 

[ThisUnrest]

Has anyone tried TAK-653, Bromantane, or Tropisetron? Ive never had these, but heard they may help, wondering if they might be worth a try. Anxiety, panic attacks, intrusive dark thoughts, depression.

 

[CPY]

I have ocd, but not the kind of ocd people usually have.i don't care about washing my hands having showers..for now at least.My ocd is all-encompassing it distorts everything in my life.Thats because I aleays want things done in a perfect way so I have the urge to close my ears grind my teeth while I constantly imagine all the steps needed to do what i want in the perfect way possible

Typical obsessions are
What language should I study and what's the best method( I study languages at uni)
What's the perfect game to play
What movie should I watch
What to buy at the supermarket

My head hurts during all this and I feel like I'm constantly trying to solve an impossible math equation or something

Ironically I never find the answer so it just loops back and forth until someone eventually finds me and asks what's happening or touches me or says something.Thats why I'm bound to live with my parents, without anyone around me my life would be a literal living hell

As I said I have a semblance of a life only because I live with someone(my parents).They often take care of the house and do the errands so I don't have I'm already years behind in university studying for a useless humanities degree

I dread everyday what the future has in hold for me if don't muster the courage to ctb... probably homeless and unable to care for myself

I currently take Zoloft and aripiprazole or olanzapine but to no avail

 

[Cloud Busting]

Spoiler: rant against "anti-medication" types

I'm tired of people who claim prns for anxiety are a sign of weakness, a cheat, or a crutch. I can tell these people have never had a panic attack or clinical levels of anxiety before. Lol

Yes, I do try to use natural remedies. Proper sleep and nutrition, exercise, relaxation techniques, spirituality, cognitive restructuring, limiting caffeine, and facing my fears helps. That can only do so much. If an emergency arises, I am grateful for rescue meds.

 

[Abyssal]

I

As someone with Social Phobia (sometimes with a panic attack) and ADHD: My psychiatrist wanted to prescribe me Sertraline. Does it even do anything? There is a comprehensive metanalysis from the cochrane institut that SSRI's arent that much more effective than placebo medication. And do they even help with anxiety?

I dont wanna get fatter when it doenst do shit in the end for anxiety and ofc im scared of what it will do anyway.

m on Zoloft right now. I have adhd and possible OCD (Psychiatrist implied as much, nothing official) and it's been different. Not to be one of those "try everything before you ctb" people but like, unless you have a good reason not to try it then I don't see why not.

Give it a few week, it took me 8 weeks before I noticed a difference. My internal monologue and daydreaming became lesser and I went from porn addicted to asexual which was odd. However, in hindsight I was my most suicidal in all my life during those first 6 weeks. I haven't noticed any weight gain in the 9 months I've been on it and times where I wished more than anything that I was dead (like during holidays or my birthday) I have found to be easier. However, with people who did gain weight, most found their weight reverted back to their original weight after quitting the medication. If it doesn't work for you and you gain weight, you can probably just taper off and at worst be where you are right now.

I think my current suicidal ideation is a product of the long lasting depression and suicidal thoughts I've had from a young age. Almost like an addiction that gets fed every time someone says something that reminds me of a bad memory. I don't know if I want to live or not, I go in and out of that decision often, but I would say that the medication 100% made my life less depressing. It's not a cure, but it helped me.

Hope this helps. Also, as a reminder, you are probably more likely to get answers from people who weren't all that impacted or affected by the medication because if it did do its job they probably wouldn't be here. These experiences are plenty real and don't dismiss them, but as with many medications you can't really know until you try it.

Spoiler: rant against "anti-medication" types

I'm tired of people who claim prns for anxiety are a sign of weakness, a cheat, or a crutch. I can tell these people have never had a panic attack or clinical levels of anxiety before. Lol

Yes, I do try to use natural remedies. Proper sleep and nutrition, exercise, relaxation techniques, spirituality, cognitive restructuring, limiting caffeine, and facing my fears helps. That can only do so much. If an emergency arises, I am grateful for rescue meds.

It is okay if your happiness/wellbeing is store bought, 100%

People who are anti-medication are the same people who would rather we be locked up. Such lack of empathy doesn't deserve a voice in our lives.

 

[Zebulon]

I took Zoloft, and I would say it helped control my obsessions/intrusive thoughts to a degree, but the side effects were terrible. Celexa was more manageable and also helped with racing thoughts, but the blunt effect just wasn't worth it. I'm taking Effexor and imo it doesn't do shit. I am less irritable, but idk if that's why.

For general anxiety (GAD)/panic attacks I don't find anti-depressants helpful. Buspirone is commonly prescribed for GAD but I haven't tried it. Hydroxzine didn't do shit (it's basically Benadryl.)

The only meds that I have found helpful are Benzos, beta blockers, and psilocybin (unless I have a bad trip lol.)

Of course this is just my experience. Talk with a doc and do your own research.

Interessting that you say that. Benzos are also the only thing that negates my anxiety with mushrooms. I also have around 5k Pills sotred for the eventuality that I get addicted to them. So far I take like 1mg a month or when I have a panic attack.

Im on Zoloft right now. I have adhd and possible OCD (Psychiatrist implied as much, nothing official) and it's been different. Not to be one of those "try everything before you ctb" people but like, unless you have a good reason not to try it then I don't see why not.

Give it a few week, it took me 8 weeks before I noticed a difference. My internal monologue and daydreaming became lesser and I went from porn addicted to asexual which was odd. However, in hindsight I was my most suicidal in all my life during those first 6 weeks. I haven't noticed any weight gain in the 9 months I've been on it and times where I wished more than anything that I was dead (like during holidays or my birthday) I have found to be easier. However, with people who did gain weight, most found their weight reverted back to their original weight after quitting the medication. If it doesn't work for you and you gain weight, you can probably just taper off and at worst be where you are right now.

I think my current suicidal ideation is a product of the long lasting depression and suicidal thoughts I've had from a young age. Almost like an addiction that gets fed every time someone says something that reminds me of a bad memory. I don't know if I want to live or not, I go in and out of that decision often, but I would say that the medication 100% made my life less depressing. It's not a cure, but it helped me.

Hope this helps. Also, as a reminder, you are probably more likely to get answers from people who weren't all that impacted or affected by the medication because if it did do its job they probably wouldn't be here. These experiences are plenty real and don't dismiss them, but as with many medications you can't really know until you try it.

I can relate with this so much. As a fellow master student in Psychology (only problem is, since rona I got intense social phobia which is incredibly bad in our field) the upcoming holidays are also by far the hardest days in the year. And I already dread my birthday next year. But you're right. I also think I should try everything before I go and I didnt try antidepressents.
My only fear is that it impacts my performance in the weeks before it works.

And on the issue with porn: is it better now, that you are asexual? I suffer from the same porn addiction, together with a sugar addiction.

 

[Abyssal]

And on the issue with porn: is it better now, that you are asexual? I suffer from the same porn addiction, together with a sugar addiction.

It's hard to say, it's pretty weird. I was kind of asexual in a way (yet still porn addicted which doesn't sound possible, but you'll just have to trust me on that) so that might have something to do with the results. That said, I didn't think it was effecting it at all and it was only 2 months ago, or 7 months into the medication, that I realized I just didn't watch porn anymore or find much urge to. In fact, I don't feel much sexual pleasure anymore. Then again, I guess I wouldn't know if it turned my full on asexual or not because I haven't really had any drive to test it out.

 

[Dot]

Did you moderators and admins have a board meeting to discuss this new megathread or was it suggested in the suggestions thread?

In any case this will be an interesting thread

Bth

Ha


Also intrstng vdeo on anxty -- am nt convncd = only caus bt = prbbly 1 of thm

 

[Dot]

Phew I thought you were messaging me to pull me up on another unintentional problem

I'm glad it was a relatively short video as I did wanna humour you by watching it all and yes I agree, anxiety can have plenty more sources and origins.

Ha nt - u r fne ths tme

 

[BlazingBob]

My anxiety is worse than usual today. When I wake up my ugly reality hits me like a tidal wave. My anxiety stems from the fact I'm too sick to work, or do much of anything, and my life and body keep falling apart. I'm terrified of ctb and terrified of continuing to exist. It would've been much better if I were never born.

 

[ixkitty]

I use Buspirone for acute panic attacks and so far it works. i Still have my thoughts but it started to go down due to new job energy. Now I'm hearing hated whispers and I'm terribly reminded how my life isn't as great as I try to make it.

 

[PrettyPotato]

Maybe a bit optimistic, but can anyone offer any practical advice?

I decided to ctb a month ago, and have planned everything for 1 month's time (for practicality reasons).
All of that is perfectly fine, and I'm quite zen about it all - or so I thought.

Anyway two evenings ago I took a thc edible (it's 100% legal here in Thailand).
The day after and today though I've been feeling incredibly morose, anxious and displaced - just want to stay in bed and die. Can't even be bothered to eat.

First time in my life I'd tried cannabis - and am wondering if that might be why I'm now feeling emotionally awful. Does anyone know about this kind of thing? I only took the edible to try and feel a bit calmer. No way I'll be able to keep going for a month with the way I'm currently feeling though :/

 

[lumipallo]

I use Buspirone for acute panic attacks and so far it works. i Still have my thoughts but it started to go down due to new job energy. Now I'm hearing hated whispers and I'm terribly reminded how my life isn't as great as I try to make it.

Does Busporine actually reduce your anxious thoughts or does it just reduce somatic symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks?
I'm ok at *avoiding* panic attacks, but I have difficulty managing my thoughts going down the wrong path.

 

[loslassen]

I think I might have OCD, can anyone who is diagnosed tell me their perspective?


I'm unsure if my possible OCD has worsened over the years or if I've been like this since I was born, inclining to the second option the more I analyze myself.

subsequently, these are my symptoms:

compulsive lying.
I lie to people confidently about small things, I don't know why I do it but I hate it. For example saying "Oh yeah I watched a movie about it, or I did my research" though I didn't, I remember lying about things when I was a child too, for example "I tried this chocolate called whatever"

repetitive mental speech.
sometimes I will repeat a word or phrase in my mind involuntarily, not like when you're reminding yourself of something you don't want to forget, sometimes I will randomly choose a word I just heard or thought and repeat it in my mind, for example. "whale, whale, whale, whale, wha-le, whale"
it can go on up to an hour and its like a voice in my head, but my own, not a hallucination or anything like that.

anxiety and fixation
I am generally a mentally anxious person, but Im sure this is because of conditioning and trauma, I'm always tense and on edge, specially alert and always making plans and arranging stuff in my mind.

childhood impulsiveness.
im impulsive a lot of the time, I remember biting a kid one time because I couldn't measure my own body and the way it affects others, growing up I also injured myself a lot cause I didn't have enough bodily awareness to calculate not hitting my head on my bunk bed for example, idk.

i think there's more but that's all for now, can anyone please reply and tell me their thoughts? Thank you so much.

 

[iji]

I used to have OCD, but it was different than what you described.

compulsive lying.
I lie to people confidently about small things, I don't know why I do it but I hate it.

According do Paul Ekman, the main motivations for lying are

1. To avoid being punished.
2. To obtain a reward not otherwise readily obtainable.
3. To protect another person from being punished.
4. To protect oneself from the threat of physical harm.
5. To win the admiration of others.
6. To get out of an awkward social situation.
7. To avoid embarrassment.
8. To maintain privacy without notifying others of that intention.
9. To exercise power over others by controlling the information the target has.

See if you identity with any of those reasons.

repetitive mental speech.

In OCD, repeating things are generally a ritual to mentally avoid an unwanted event happening. If you just repeat for the sake of repeating, I'm not sure it would be OCD.

anxiety and fixation
I am generally a mentally anxious person, but Im sure this is because of conditioning and trauma

I used to be anxious of being in situations that I saw as bad. I think in my case, it was because I experienced bad events beforehad, so my OCD developed in response to that.

 

[loslassen]

I used to have OCD, but it was different than what you described.


According do Paul Ekman, the main motivations for lying are

See if you identity with any of those reasons.


In OCD, repeating things are generally a ritual to mentally avoid an unwanted event happening. If you just repeat for the sake of repeating, I'm not sure it would be OCD.


I used to be anxious of being in situations that I saw as bad. I think in my case, it was because I experienced bad events beforehad, so my OCD developed in response to that.

I honestly can't relate, the compulsive lying just happens but I don't think I've ever done it for a particular reason, and about the repetitive mental speech it's involuntary, it's embarrassing

 

[ixkitty]

Does Busporine actually reduce your anxious thoughts or does it just reduce somatic symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks?
I'm ok at *avoiding* panic attacks, but I have difficulty managing my thoughts going down the wrong path.

I still have thoughts, nothing I take helps that ... but it reduces the symptoms so you can at least survive the situation.

 

[chuva de canela]

Although I'm not yet diagnosed, I'm almost sure that I have OCD. I have intrusive thoughts about being a pedophile, even though I have zero attraction for pre-pubescent children. I just think a lot about the whole topic of child sexual abuse, and I feel very bad for it. Tried to CTB multiple times because of this but failed. I'm also afraid of going outside because I start panicking over the possibility of a random stranger being a pedophile too. I have had episodes of which I lost control in public and started screaming that someone was going to rape me. I don't know why I'm like that, as far as I remember, I've never being sexually assaulted as a child, but for some reason I can't stop thinking and feeling so bad about this specific topic. Started seeking help this month and now I'm taking some medications, but I'm skeptical that this will help me in any way.

 

[strawberryseed]

anyone else living w emetaphobia?? i may tick some other boxes w ocd as well thought i haven't been given an official diagnosis, but i have been suffering from emetaphobia since childhood and i suffer from intrusive thoughts about being sexually abused and worrying that i'm a pedophile or racist or attracted to members of my family or want them to assault me. i wish i wasn't living with these thoughts and feelings they make me harbor so much self hatred and there's not many effective rituals to soothe my emetaphobia but i try not eating, avoiding those who i know are sick, hot water, and sour patch kids lol

i've recently been developing an obsession with cutting myself in multiples of three depending on how severe of a self punishment i think i deserve and it also feels like a gesture to two people that had a big effect on my life, i know maybe later they may not matter to me, or i'll be dead, but in the meantime losing them has been so immense and i also yearn to see the beauty and highs in it that they do. and i find it beautiful because i think they're beautiful. and i cant have them in my life the same due to my intense feelings and trauma they inflicted, it just makes me miss them so much more because i tend to cling to trauma very very hard and i loved them. i'm aware it's silly and shallow but it feels symbolic to the impact they had and how i can't measure up to them as they fell in love and separated from the world in their own bubble

 

[divinemistress36]

As someone with Social Phobia (sometimes with a panic attack) and ADHD: My psychiatrist wanted to prescribe me Sertraline. Does it even do anything? There is a comprehensive metanalysis from the cochrane institut that SSRI's arent that much more effective than placebo medication. And do they even help with anxiety?

I dont wanna get fatter when it doenst do shit in the end for anxiety and ofc im scared of what it will do anyway.

It helped me when I was in my 20s for a bit

 

[Sid19]

As someone with Social Phobia (sometimes with a panic attack) and ADHD: My psychiatrist wanted to prescribe me Sertraline. Does it even do anything? There is a comprehensive metanalysis from the cochrane institut that SSRI's arent that much more effective than placebo medication. And do they even help with anxiety?

I dont wanna get fatter when it doenst do shit in the end for anxiety and ofc im scared of what it will do anyway.

Social anxiety aka? I have thought about taking ssri group of meds as well until my ctb. The side effects do scare me especially with insomnia. It takes about 2 months to get results so that makes me feel more reluctant to use it as I wanted to feel better in few days if possible.

 

[strawberryseed]

anyone else living w emetaphobia?? i may tick some other boxes w ocd as well thought i haven't been given an official diagnosis, but i have been suffering from emetaphobia since childhood and i suffer from intrusive thoughts about being sexually abused and worrying that i'm a pedophile or racist or attracted to members of my family or want them to assault me. i wish i wasn't living with these thoughts and feelings they make me harbor so much self hatred and there's not many effective rituals to soothe my emetaphobia but i try not eating, avoiding those who i know are sick, hot water, and sour patch kids lol

i've recently been developing an obsession with cutting myself in multiples of three depending on how severe of a self punishment i think i deserve and it also feels like a gesture to two people that had a big effect on my life, i know maybe later they may not matter to me, or i'll be dead, but in the meantime losing them has been so immense and i also yearn to see the beauty and highs in it that they do. and i find it beautiful because i think they're beautiful. and i cant have them in my life the same due to my intense feelings and trauma they inflicted, it just makes me miss them so much more because i tend to cling to trauma very very hard and i loved them. i'm aware it's silly and shallow but it feels symbolic to the impact they had and how i can't measure up to them as they fell in love and separated from the world in their own bubble

i couldn't go into work today i don't know why i just feel like running away even though i have no where to go, i just randomly started driving straight and i'm just continuing with that, i stopped for a rest real quick and now i'm halted again. i asked a friend who lives in a city up towards where i'm going if i could come over as some destination and support but i don't think anybody's going to help me in the way i think i need or want. i cant depend on others for help always but even some help cleaning my room would be nice, tho i don't ask, i know the pitfalls of my life are my fault so i feel more recluse and dedicated to my plan it's the only thing that feels positive about my life rn

 

[redisblue]

Oh bless, thank you for this thread. I'm diagnosed with social anxiety, although I am 100% sure I have GAD and OCD as well. I look back on when I was young, and I notice I have been showing symptoms since I was very very young, therefore I believe a lot of my conditions may be biological or something. Anyways, I'm going to talk about my OCD a little bit, since I never really get to talk about it without being judged.
One major obsession and often intrusive thought is the people I love dying. It tears me apart to think of it, as it probably would with anyone, but this is what's on my mind literally most of the time, and it kills me. This then results in a bunch of different compulsions that I do to try and stop myself from thinking about, and also as a way to "ensure that it doesn't happen." Like, for example, I have to check the doors are shut, I'll do it usually 4 x 2, or maybe 8 x 2. Then, before I walk away, I touch the wall 8 times and try to think of something super irrelevant. If I don't, my brain tells me that my family will die. I can't even type, hear, or think about the words "death" or anything even remotely violence related while thinking about a family member without also telling myself something will happen. I do a LOT of different rituals, checking, counting and other forms of compulsions to stop my other obsessions, and it sucks. The one I talked about is just an example of the many different things that occur for me. It takes up so much of my day and I hate it. It causes me so much anxiety and as I get older, it just gets worse. I always loved reading, but I can't even do that anymore due to OCD. I always re-read lines to "reassure" myself that nothing will happen.

 

[Synfrome]

Anyone else have such a crippling fear of rejection/failure/criticism that they can't form proper relationships? I've only met maybe two or three people who have the same thing as me but none of them have ever had it as bad as me and it makes me feel so isolated. Everytime I've tried to CTB that's been the main reason. I've had almost three years of counselling focused on this and it hasn't significantly improved in any way and I'd argue, in some respects, it's gotten worse.

For simplicity's sake, I'm going to refer to it as RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) because I think that's what it is. I have autism and potentially comorbid ADHD so it'd make sense. I've shown symptoms of RSD since I was a young child; however, it really kicked in around the age of seven when my mum got with my now step dad. I would scream and cry everytime they held hands, hugged, kissed, etc because it'd evoke this fear in me that has followed me around ever since that I was being replaced. Every close relationship I've had since then I've felt that fear on some level fairly frequently if not as a constant. Every romantic relationship I've been in has been miserable because every waking moment I was conscious of the fact I was in a relationship I was wracked with anxiety over when they'd finally leave me. It usually makes me act in one of two ways:

1. I get anxious/scared they're going to leave and I start acting overly clingy and pathetic.

2. I become convinced they're intentionally trying to make me suffer so I become cold, dry and spiteful towards them.

Either way I sabotage the relationship because the people I am partners/friends with obviously don't want to be around someone like that but I can't help it. To make matters worse, if they're genuinely kind/caring towards me it scares me for some reason which causes me to retreat further. It feels like either way I can't win. I also have generalised anxiety and a very vivid imagination, meaning I have long daydreams about catastrophe scenarios (a common one is me being assaulted) which I find incredibly hard to block out my head. Not sure if those are intrusive thoughts or what but regardless it's not fun. Of course I suppress/mask most of this around others otherwise I'd be a vile person but it's exhausting and it feels like no one understands the extent of what I'm going through. I feel incredibly isolated.

On the other hand, school has not helped at all with this. I went to a grammar school with little to no pastoral care for five years with undiagnosed autism/anxiety which completely mentally destroyed me. The stress of insane amounts of work, the fear of failing and the, at times, dehabilitating pressure of exams has permanently changed how my brain is wired, especially because it occured at such a formative time in my life. Everytime I'm around the area that school is in it activates my fight or flight. Even now I'm at a comprehensive Sixth Form these anxieties haven't gone away and mentally plague me daily. I'm never happy with my results, never happy with my art, never happy with anything I produce because all I can think about is how I could've done a better job. I'm getting straight As and A*s and I still feel nothing and it's crushing.

RSD has been genuinely ruining my life for over a decade now and I don't see any hope of me getting better and finally being able to be sane enough to have a relationship/friendship where I'm not convinced the other person is either going to leave me or is trying to make me suffer. I don't see how I could be happy with my output in the future and university is looking more and more bleak as it draws closer. I just don't want to be like this anymore. It feels like I'm constantly in anguish.

Anyone else?

 

[strawberryseed]

Anyone else have such a crippling fear of rejection/failure/criticism that they can't form proper relationships? I've only met maybe two or three people who have the same thing as me but none of them have ever had it as bad as me and it makes me feel so isolated. Everytime I've tried to CTB that's been the main reason. I've had almost three years of counselling focused on this and it hasn't significantly improved in any way and I'd argue, in some respects, it's gotten worse.

For simplicity's sake, I'm going to refer to it as RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) because I think that's what it is. I have autism and potentially comorbid ADHD so it'd make sense. I've shown symptoms of RSD since I was a young child; however, it really kicked in around the age of seven when my mum got with my now step dad. I would scream and cry everytime they held hands, hugged, kissed, etc because it'd evoke this fear in me that has followed me around ever since that I was being replaced. Every close relationship I've had since then I've felt that fear on some level fairly frequently if not as a constant. Every romantic relationship I've been in has been miserable because every waking moment I was conscious of the fact I was in a relationship I was wracked with anxiety over when they'd finally leave me. It usually makes me act in one of two ways:

1. I get anxious/scared they're going to leave and I start acting overly clingy and pathetic.

2. I become convinced they're intentionally trying to make me suffer so I become cold, dry and spiteful towards them.

Either way I sabotage the relationship because the people I am partners/friends with obviously don't want to be around someone like that but I can't help it. To make matters worse, if they're genuinely kind/caring towards me it scares me for some reason which causes me to retreat further. It feels like either way I can't win. I also have generalised anxiety and a very vivid imagination, meaning I have long daydreams about catastrophe scenarios (a common one is me being assaulted) which I find incredibly hard to block out my head. Not sure if those are intrusive thoughts or what but regardless it's not fun. Of course I suppress/mask most of this around others otherwise I'd be a vile person but it's exhausting and it feels like no one understands the extent of what I'm going through. I feel incredibly isolated.

On the other hand, school has not helped at all with this. I went to a grammar school with little to no pastoral care for five years with undiagnosed autism/anxiety which completely mentally destroyed me. The stress of insane amounts of work, the fear of failing and the, at times, dehabilitating pressure of exams has permanently changed how my brain is wired, especially because it occured at such a formative time in my life. Everytime I'm around the area that school is in it activates my fight or flight. Even now I'm at a comprehensive Sixth Form these anxieties haven't gone away and mentally plague me daily. I'm never happy with my results, never happy with my art, never happy with anything I produce because all I can think about is how I could've done a better job. I'm getting straight As and A*s and I still feel nothing and it's crushing.

RSD has been genuinely ruining my life for over a decade now and I don't see any hope of me getting better and finally being able to be sane enough to have a relationship/friendship where I'm not convinced the other person is either going to leave me or is trying to make me suffer. I don't see how I could be happy with my output in the future and university is looking more and more bleak as it draws closer. I just don't want to be like this anymore. It feels like I'm constantly in anguish.

Anyone else?

yes ! i feel like you were able to put into words exactly how it feels and i struggle with the same issues. I won't talk to people unless they approach me first and I try to keep a straight face and create an unapproachable energy because i just already feel disliked i don't even want to try anymore. i don't feel close to anyone, it's really just feeling like a burden to the human existence and the isolation creates a dark space to sit in since you can't really tell anyone how you feel fully, you'll be a problem. I don't make eye contact or say hi to others and people get so offended by it, but the thought of just expressing so openly and saying hi just makes my skin burn and a million thoughts run through my head. I'm always daydreaming about fake scenarios which can cause a lot of distress to me and just makes everything worse and i can't make it stop for some reason.

I cant perform well on things i know or want other people to see as i'm an artist too ! but i never finish or do anything w my projects because I don't think they're good enough and I have a group of people i went to grade school with who i obsess over in thinking they have amazing talent and good taste, i want to stop thinking about them and putting them on a pedestal but my mind doesn't let me. it's exclusive to these people and what they might think of me even though i don't know what they think of me and are not even in my life and we never really spoke. I just obsess from afar and there's no good reason for it. but it leaves me feeling so subpar to everyone. And i did recently leave a relationship due to some hard rejection and hurtful actions, my ex fell so so deeply in love with another person and wanted them to move in with him immediately after a week of having met her in person. and that he didnt want to see me as much (we were in a polyamorous relationship) because i was too much for him and if we spent too much time together it would make him not like me. now all he does is post about her, talk about her, ruined all my friendships w people close to me and compared me to her extensively and told me i'll drive away everyone with my mental health issues and won't be able to be in a relationship and was telling this to others as well. it hurts bad to constantly be rejected and when it stems from childhood it just feels pointless to try when you know you cant depend on anyone. my mom would leave for long periods at a time just to be with my dad or another boyfriend, i would sometimes worry that she was dead after not hearing from her from more than a week. i just don't feel like anyone will be able to stand being in my life for a long time and it's making me bitter and more alone. i lie to my therapist about my plans to kill my self because this sort of loneliness just feels insurmountable and i need to find peace from this anxiety and heavy self loathing, id like to recover but life has just not been working for me and i can't be myself around anyone.