Resource Anxiety/Panic/OCD/Intrusive Thoughts Support Megathread

[Synfrome]

yes ! i feel like you were able to put into words exactly how it feels and i struggle with the same issues. I won't talk to people unless they approach me first and I try to keep a straight face and create an unapproachable energy because i just already feel disliked i don't even want to try anymore. i don't feel close to anyone, it's really just feeling like a burden to the human existence and the isolation creates a dark space to sit in since you can't really tell anyone how you feel fully, you'll be a problem. I don't make eye contact or say hi to others and people get so offended by it, but the thought of just expressing so openly and saying hi just makes my skin burn and a million thoughts run through my head. I'm always daydreaming about fake scenarios which can cause a lot of distress to me and just makes everything worse and i can't make it stop for some reason.

I cant perform well on things i know or want other people to see as i'm an artist too ! but i never finish or do anything w my projects because I don't think they're good enough and I have a group of people i went to grade school with who i obsess over in thinking they have amazing talent and good taste, i want to stop thinking about them and putting them on a pedestal but my mind doesn't let me. it's exclusive to these people and what they might think of me even though i don't know what they think of me and are not even in my life and we never really spoke. I just obsess from afar and there's no good reason for it. but it leaves me feeling so subpar to everyone. And i did recently leave a relationship due to some hard rejection and hurtful actions, my ex fell so so deeply in love with another person and wanted them to move in with him immediately after a week of having met her in person. and that he didnt want to see me as much (we were in a polyamorous relationship) because i was too much for him and if we spent too much time together it would make him not like me. now all he does is post about her, talk about her, ruined all my friendships w people close to me and compared me to her extensively and told me i'll drive away everyone with my mental health issues and won't be able to be in a relationship and was telling this to others as well. it hurts bad to constantly be rejected and when it stems from childhood it just feels pointless to try when you know you cant depend on anyone. my mom would leave for long periods at a time just to be with my dad or another boyfriend, i would sometimes worry that she was dead after not hearing from her from more than a week. i just don't feel like anyone will be able to stand being in my life for a long time and it's making me bitter and more alone. i lie to my therapist about my plans to kill my self because this sort of loneliness just feels insurmountable and i need to find peace from this anxiety and heavy self loathing, id like to recover but life has just not been working for me and i can't be myself around anyone.

YES THAT'S EXACTLY IT! I hate that constant feeling of impending dread I get because I feel like all my relationships are on a time limit which I'm not privy to. Even if people don't directly leave me, they reject me more implicitly. My current best friend has almost completely sidelined me for their partner and when I tell people how much their behaviour is upsetting me all I'm told is "Oh you should expect them to spend less time around you when they get into a relationship." Do you NOT think I knew this was going to happen? Just because I anticipated this doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I think it would've been less painful if before they hadn't said we were "(platonic) soulmates" because I truly believed them. I believed we were soulmates. It feels like everything was perfect until their partner came on the scene and now I feel so undervalued in comparison. Thankfully, I currently have a relationship myself that's going well (for the time being) which makes it slightly easier to deal with but not enough for me to not be bitter over my best friend. I just want someone to say "I love you" whether that be platonically or romantically and actually mean it instead of going back on their "love" for me at another point in time. I'm so sick of people leaving me for reasons they don't fully make clear until they've already made their decision to go. When people think I'm too much/not enough I wish they'd just come out and fucking say it instead of pretending they still care about me. It feels like I'm always not good enough for other people despite bending over backwards to make them stay. It makes me feel like I'm some sort of broken creature as opposed to an actual human being. Every other week I consider just being done with relationships because having friends/partners makes me so miserable.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I have always been cautious to people - knowing how easily they betray. And when I trusted them - they did. Not all of those who I trusted, but many.
And that betrayal was really severe.

 

[girlsboysthems]

As someone with Social Phobia (sometimes with a panic attack) and ADHD: My psychiatrist wanted to prescribe me Sertraline. Does it even do anything? There is a comprehensive metanalysis from the cochrane institut that SSRI's arent that much more effective than placebo medication. And do they even help with anxiety?

I dont wanna get fatter when it doenst do shit in the end for anxiety and ofc im scared of what it will do anyway.

this is based on my opinion and on my body and my illnesses but nothing from the pills section helped me, except antipsychotic, but it made me gain so much weight that i was taken off it...
Have OCD with intrusive thoughts, and theyre driving me insane. its a lot better in comparison to two years ago, but still the content of the thoughts is making me more and more suicidal because im afraid i really am that person and i dont want to be it. thats why i avoid most people, especially children and pregnant women /:

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

RSD has been genuinely ruining my life for over a decade now and I don't see any hope of me getting better and finally being able to be sane enough to have a relationship/friendship where I'm not convinced the other person is either going to leave me or is trying to make me suffer. I don't see how I could be happy with my output in the future and university is looking more and more bleak as it draws closer. I just don't want to be like this anymore. It feels like I'm constantly in anguish.

I resonate with this because of RSD and ADHD and autism and what other people in this thread have talked about. i've been in constant burnout for months and 3+ autistic meltdowns and brainfog constant. The trauma and PTSD from a recent relationship and other abusive relationships (including physical abuse) was the thing that really broke me and sent me just spinning. I guess maybe this is the PTSD but I have so many intrusive thoughts from hearing my ex's anger at me and hearing his words on repeat in my head. It feels permanent now. can't talk to anyone about it because I don't want to be institutionalized, and i don't want to talk to my therapist about it and 'analyze it'. I want my brain to be emptied. I wish I had never met him. He emotionally abused me and made me feel like dirt.

I am so vulnerable in a way I haven't felt in forever and it's gotten worse because I am really alone. I have no friends in the city I live - I've had a few people (like 2 or 3) in my life who I 'know' but never message me. There is so much shame because I've failed at everything - i can't hold down a job and am just burning through what money I have and don't think I'll be able to find work. Do I just sell everything and move somewhere warm and die on a beach somewhere and just starve myself to death? just give up in a gutter somewhere and hope for death? I don't want to starve but the idea of arranging anything through the mail feels hard when my brain can't work. this would all be easier if i could find someone to help.

I realized the other day the man who caused me so much harm will never know I've died. He's blocked me and won't change. He might try to email or maybe call but he'll think I just don't want to speak to him. He'll never know or care how much pain he caused when he tormented me the last months we were together. I curse the day I met him and I curse that I didn't disappear decades ago when I was right to want to leave. i am tormented and a shell of myself. i'm already dead in a way.

 

[Silent_cries]

I am having stronger and stronger intr usive thought s that the more I hu rt myself physically the le ss other people will hu rt mentally. I keep feeling that if I ba sh my sk ull ha rd enough toward s con crete that I will bleed and maybe even frac ture the sk ull it will fix everything and make everyone I care about happy. "My pa in is their gain" constantly keep s repeating in my mind and it just keep getting wo rse... It feel s so real to me too. As if my intr usive thought s are definitely speaking the truth. But that is just how intr usive thought s work, right? I wonder if I am going to en d up as one of those who frac ture their bo nes on a regular basis to ocd compul sions. I do no t know how to feel about this. :/

 

[Dot]

I am having stronger and stronger intr usive thought s that the more I hu rt myself physically the le ss other people will hu rt mentally. I keep feeling that if I ba sh my sk ull ha rd enough toward s con crete that I will bleed and maybe even frac ture the sk ull it will fix everything and make everyone I care about happy. "My pa in is their gain" constantly keep s repeating in my mind and it just keep getting wo rse... It feel s so real to me too. As if my intr usive thought s are definitely speaking the truth. But that is just how intr usive thought s work, right? I wonder if I am going to en d up as one of those who frac ture their bo nes on a regular basis to ocd compul sions. I do no t know how to feel about this. :/

Hw wld hurtng urslf logclly mke othrs fl bettr

D/ u hve a histry of sacrfcing ur tru feelngs & authentcty t/ kp th/ pce wth othr ppl

 

[Silent_cries]

Hw wld hurtng urslf logclly mke othrs fl bettr

D/ u hve a histry of sacrfcing ur tru feelngs & authentcty t/ kp th/ pce wth othr ppl

I am going to be honest. I do no t know where the logic s be hind my comp ulsion s are, they just feel realistic in my mind even though ik they are no t.

As for your second question idk, probably tbh. I mean, I do follow my ritual s str ictly to ensure no one is su ffering. So I guess I do.

 

[Dot]

I am going to be honest. I do no t know where the logic s be hind my comp ulsion s are, they just feel realistic in my mind even though ik they are no t.

As for your second question idk, probably tbh. I mean, I do follow my ritual s str ictly to ensure no one is su ffering. So I guess I do.

Hve u evr hrd of Internl Famly Systms Therpy

Mght or mght nt hlp

 

[Silent_cries]

Hve u evr hrd of Internl Famly Systms Therpy

Mght or mght nt hlp

No, I have no t. What is it?

 

[Dot]

No, I have no t. What is it?

Thre = sectn on https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/therapy-methods-alternatives-explained.139570/ thred

Fcuses on cnditns whre 1 prt of ur psyche wnts 2 b doin 2 thng & anothr prt of ur psyche wnts 2 b doin anothr

 

[Silent_cries]

Thre = sectn on https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/therapy-methods-alternatives-explained.139570/ thred

Fcuses on cnditns whre 1 prt of ur psyche wnts 2 b doin 2 thng & anothr prt of ur psyche wnts 2 b doin anothr

Okay, thank you <3

 

[butyouhavetotry]

Anyone else here deal with comorbid COVID anxiety/long COVID? To me this has shot through any and all progress I had made with my OCD and anxiety and made it extremely difficult for me to interface with my community. I was infected with Covid for the first time last year, and since then have dealt with excessive illness, fatigue, difficulty focusing, and other associated conditions. Compared to some long haulers I am fairly well off. I can still walk and work and I am functional enough to be physically able most days. But it is not enough for me to be happy.

I was extremely lonely for most of my life because of my anxiety and OCD, and avoided any and all non virtual socialization. After I came out as a trans woman last year, this started to change. I dated actively, became an involved activist and took part in my local music scene. I still masked, but I was ignorant of the long term damaging potential of Covid. Now that I am aware, it has cut me off from almost all of the social world. I live in a small, consvervative city, and most of the venues where I was doing these things do not even enforce bare minimum things like masking. Every time I leave my house, I have to deal with overbearing intrusive thoughts and consider that a face-to-face interaction could permanently and exponentially worsen a disability I already struggle with. Every cough, every sneeze, every joke about not feeling well I hear from unmasked folk is agonizing. I've lost many friendships due to them not respecting my boundaries and dating is impossible because there is no community for other cautious folk.

I see no future where I can be okay. This will be a problem for the rest of my life and no matter where I go or what I do, and this fear makes the risks that I take and social events I go to not enjoyable as I dissociate and feel such anxiety. This has been made exponentially worse by my attempt to exposure therapy myself out of this fear by moving in with a roommate, which I thought would help lower my anxiety by building risk tolerance, but now I just have absolutely nowhere I feel safe. If anyone has advice for dealing with this present pandemic I welcome it. Otherwise I have set plans to CTB in September, as I believe strongly in the spiritual significance of Fall and I believe that it is enough time to see if things change for me. It is difficult to maintain optimism though.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm just here to vent without starting a new thread. I don't feel comfortable giving out many details, so it'll be pretty vague, just so I can get thoughts off my chest.

It's impossible to describe how horrifying OCD is to people who without it. I'm always complaining I don't have enough time to do things, and part of it's because I waste hours stuck in the same ritual, needing to do them over and over until my OCD decides I've done enough. Even if it hurts, I can't stop. I feel like I'm possessed. And even though I'm out of control, I can't blame anybody else. I can only be mad at myself. It's embarrassing. It makes me feel stupid. And it fucking hurts. And now hours are gone when I did fucking NOTHING but make everything SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE.

I loathe myself so much for it. I know it's not my fault, but I still feel like an idiot. I've had OCD forever and I've tried so many treatments. Something should work by now. I can't even explain to anyone why I'm physically unable to stop doing these things, so I just seem even creepier and dumber to everyone.

I feel disgusted with myself for what I do and think about. I feel vile. I wish anything, anything at all could help me, but it never has. I've tried so hard.

 

[Placo]

The anxiety and OCD that add to my depression that seems resistant to drugs complicate the picture a lot, it's not easy to keep all three at bay.

I had read some time ago that those with the combination of all three disorders have a very high risk of suicide and I'm not surprised why.

 

[lilyofthevalley404]

As someone with Social Phobia (sometimes with a panic attack) and ADHD: My psychiatrist wanted to prescribe me Sertraline. Does it even do anything? There is a comprehensive metanalysis from the cochrane institut that SSRI's arent that much more effective than placebo medication. And do they even help with anxiety?

I dont wanna get fatter when it doenst do shit in the end for anxiety and ofc im scared of what it will do anyway.

For me it it made me worse and moved me from "plan b" of the CTB scale to actively attempting but every medication works on people differently and maybe its best to raise your concerns with your psychiatrist

If it's your first SSRI and you have insurance/NHS or equivalent it's worth a shot because I've seen people who have genuinely been struggling with anxiety who had relief through ssri (not sertraline)

 

[stopwizard]

I'm in the process of developing a plan involving SN and so I don't have a concrete timeline as to when I'll have everything ready before I can set a date to ctb.

My issue is I've been suffering from debilitating anxiety leading up to my possible ctb day. Not because I'm scared to do it, if anything I look forward to it more than anything. But everyday as soon as I wake up, I instantly have a panic attack. Like my body is rejecting having to live another day. It starts as soon as I open my eyes and realize I'm awake again, a sense of dread creeps in and very quickly takes over my entire being. I'm left gasping for air, sobbing, hyperventilating, the works.

On the days I wake up with milder anxiety, I will have an immense panic attack out of nowhere in the middle of the day. It has happened while driving (to the point where I had to pull over to not cause an accident) and at work in front of my coworkers. I could drown myself in responsibilities/hobbies/anything and out of nowhere the same dread will start to creep in again and I literally have to rush somewhere isolated to have a panic attack. Similar to how it feels when you're about to vomit and you need to run to get somewhere appropriate to hurl.

It's just past 8pm right now, and I'm already experiencing anxiety about waking up tomorrow. I'm prescribed hydroxyzine to help me sleep at night but since I have substance abuse on my record, I can't get prescribed anything stronger. I dread waking up fully rested because it feels like all the energy I restored while sleeping is immediately used to fuel a debilitating panic attack. I feel like I'm hardly living at this point.

 

[twistedtransistor69]

yup i was on sertraline a few years ago and i remember it working for me

 

[BRAINWORMS]

I'm really so dumb for thinking OCD wouldn't latch onto me falling in love with someone and being in a happy reciprocal relationship for the first time in my life. I'm so tired of running through everything that could possibly go wrong when there's no logical basis for it. I just want to be happy. I want to enjoy the good things as they happen. I'm terrified that the OCD fears will leak out of me and ruin me having everything I've ever wanted in a relationship. But obviously, OBVIOUSLY, nothing is sacred with OCD. Not a fucking thing.

 

[motherofmahesh]

I refuse to start over, but it's my only other option besides CTB. I've had too many restarts in my life. I haven't been able to breathe bc of the anxiety. I can't figure a way out that doesn't involve CTB.

I'm in a similar predicament. I'm tired of starting over. Starting over or death are the only options and I just don't want to put any faith in "hope" ever again. I just don't have it in me like I did when I was younger.