Discussion Anyone else who doesn't want to get better?

[SomewhatLoved]

Wondering if anyone else feels this way. I first started feeling suicidal around 9 years old and was sent to therapy for the first time around then, and even at the time I had no desire to get better or change. I've always just wanted life to be over.

I've never really wanted to get better. I've never been medicated or tried alternative treatments like ECT or TMS, but I just don't want to.

I don't really think it's worth it. I look at people I have as role models. People who lead lives that I realize are genuinely "good" by any realistic and achievable standard. People who are good spouses and have good marriages, who are amazing and accomplished professionals, people who have exciting personal lives where they play instruments, have hobbies, socialize normally etc. It just doesn't seem worth it. I have been through therapy. I have tried to make friends, to go out, socialize, make hobbies, work hard, but it doesn't make me feel happier. I look back on when I tried to become functional and had a friend group, and I can't honestly say I was happier then. It took so much effort to keep that act up and it just isn't natural for me. Some part of me is intrinsically disordered. Inside of me I always have this feeling of dissatisfaction with life.

In case anyone may ask if I want a different type of life than the "good" one I have described - no. When I imagine what type of life I would like to have, it is what I have described. But this only really feels appealing in a dream sort of sense - where things come easily and freely. Realistically I want nothing. I don't want to be better or change, I just want to cease.

 

[enjoytheride]

That's a very good question. There are times when I don't want to get better because it seems (like you perhaps hint) that it won't serve any purpose, won't lead to a better state of things. Other times I contemplate how if I get better I will have to face everything, face the world, again and the struggle will double. Maybe I forget that if the struggle doubles, If I am feeling better then my capacity to deal with everyday issues should double as well, or even triple.

Regarding other people having a truly good lives we are unable to achieve, judging by my own experience and what I have observed over the years, we tend to overestimate how happy others truly are. Most people do not share or show their unhappiness. They may be the perfect spouse or worker in public, but at the intimacy of their room they could be crying their eyes out and be wishing their life was different. This is to say, that no matter what things look like, being human means dealing with a lot of sh*t. There are people who are better able to deal with it.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I feel this way. I'm not a big fan of when people say "Well, I've had [this], [this], and [this], so if I can do it, you can too!"
Well, I don't really want to do anything. I've lost hope. I just want to stop all of this forever.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- same. I think the phrasing itself we tend to hear is misleading too: 'Wouldn't you like to feel/ get better?' I mean- sure- if you can wave a magic wand and make it all better.

The reality is more: 'Wouldn't you like to put even more effort than you already are into life? Wouldn't you like to deliberately put yourself in uncomfortable, challenging and upsetting social situations in order to tackle your social anxiety? Wouldn't you like to take (arguably) experimental, mind altering drugs/ treatments in the search for one that might work? Wouldn't you like to try all of that, despite it not having worked in the past and with no guarantee it will work now... Erm- no, I wouldn't- thanks.

I feel like I've already put in a lot off effort and risk to try to get life to be better. For me personally, it hasn't felt worth the effort in the past so- why would it be different now? I can actually experience a sort of calmness, knowing that I expect no more of myself than to try to keep treading water now. 'Recovery'/ success brings with it it's own set of anxieties and disappointment/ unhappiness. In my own experience, I was no happier when I was trying desperately hard to make life work. Quite the opposite sometimes. What would inspire me to do all that again, when it hasn't worked before?

 

[Doll Steak]

Sometimes yes, Other times I want to continue. Even so I've never imagined growing old, literally under any circumstance I see my life ending in CTB. Even if I'm "successful" that wont stop the emotional pain, that wouldn't stop the pain of being old, it would just make it easier and even then its pretty useless. I could be in some retirement home at 84 years old and I'd still be looking at CTB.

I have my hobbies like instruments and other art related activities but it doesn't matter anyway, Its stupid having to exist and satiate you're forever hungry chemical driven brain into happiness, It would be nice to not have to exist and do this shit, and ultimately it's all literally for NOTHING.

 

[The Unanswered Q]

Was about to make a thread saying basically the same thing. But, yeah, don't want anything, hobbies only exist as a distraction, can't imagine living past thirty.

 

[LetMeOut67]

A therapist suggested that I take steps to try and be able to mix with people again but I just said what's the point. All I'll do is end up comparing myself with them or trying to compete with them and I'll lose.

 

[enjoytheride]

A therapist suggested that I take steps to try and be able to mix with people again but I just said what's the point. All I'll do is end up comparing myself with them or trying to compete with them and I'll lose.

That must be frustrating... What I do to overcome (or do my best at trying) is to keep in mind all the things we have in common with people, including the fact that we all suffer and that we will all eventually perish. This kind of trivializes, in my mind, social differences between us. Also, I reason that it is natural that we are all different, as we had different starting points and environments during childhood, and when adults as well. So there isn't much to compare really. I.e., I try to understand differences, but also put them aside, out of the way of genuine communication and human relations.

Despite all this, there is a fundamental truth that every person has inherent value and is not obliged to achieve anything special in order to be deserving of respect and humanity. For me, this is as true as the Sun being hot, or the ground I step on solid. Nobody has to live up to any standard to actually have worth (unless, of course, one is a rapist, drug trafficker, a murderer, and so on).

I think much of the anxiety comes from not realising this fully.

 

[Forveleth]

Not to be a contrarian, but "Getting better" implies there is something wrong with wanting to be dead. I do not see it that way. So, according to society, I guess I do not want to get better, but from my perspective, I just want to transition to the next phase of existence sooner.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I look at people I have as role models. People who lead lives that I realize are genuinely "good" by any realistic and achievable standard. People who are good spouses and have good marriages, who are amazing and accomplished professionals, people who have exciting personal lives where they play instruments, have hobbies, socialize normally etc. It just doesn't seem worth it.

Same boat here. I understand that there a few tangible, achievable ways I could improve my life, but the prospect of having a "good" life just doesn't have any appeal to me. I don't see how it would be any better than being dead.

I seem to be lacking some kind of innate "will to live" that most other people are born with. But, as Forveleth said, I don't consider this to be a "sickness" or that there's anything I even need to "get better" from. I see myself as an 80-year-old on their deathbed who has had enough experiences in life, both good and bad, and is tired and ready to go.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

So far I still refuse to seek therapy or a diagnosis or anything. "Help" to "get better" is very annoying to me. I accept that others have been happy with such things, but I'm different and it's not for me. I'm also highly suspicious of who determines what is "normal". I frankly think no one actually has a clue.

 

[archiveofpain]

As someone who is chronically suicidal, yeah, at this point CTB has been a safety net and the only choice for me, no matter how good or bad life is.

I have tried therapy and tried to "improve" myself but I don't see the point as I still feel empty and feels like I'm gaslighting myself into believing the cliché advice given in therapy when I just don't see a future for me in this capitalistic and ableist society

 

[wham311]

No I do not.

I'm sick of lining up my beard, showering, eating, being treated poorly, going to the bathroom, having to deal with this pain every day, I do not want to work just to be yelled at and made feel incompetent, I don't want sex, I don't want the boredom, I do not want to go to the gym, don't want to watch movies or TV, don't want to have any thoughts anymore, I do not want to establish and maintain relationships, I just want the fuck out. I want out.

And not only do your loved ones not help end your pain they jate you for wanting suicide and do everythjgn they can to keep you here.

 

[failedmind]

I relate so much. I made a post about feeling this way yesterday. I've felt this way since I was 9, like you. I'm 24 now and the friends I used to have are all married and moved on with their lives and left me behind. Being social is too hard and exhausting. I don't really have hobbies anymore, the only thing I might do is play a video game here and there, but I'm honestly so depressed and suicidal that nothing that used to bring me joy, brings me joy anymore. I dont want to get better, I just want to die. You're not alone. Its a shitty feeling

 

[wham311]

Like I have a therapist appointment and the entire time I'm talking to them all I'm going tonbe thinking is this fucking person is supposed to be helping and why don't they help me get out of here. It is obviously not going to work out for me, help your fucking patient. Cut the bullshit about "how to deal with depression". They already know they can't help me but we have to do this song and dance.

And God forbid if you're suicidal, they just lock you up with crazy people.

 

[Rynalia]

Ryn has spent most of her life trying to get better. But not one moment of it was because she wanted to get better herself.

She's a hostage, and everyone is trying to use her to extend their own lives and fulfill their own ambitions.

Her life is filled with unsolicited advice, strongarming, as well as endless emotional and psychological manipulation.

It was never about her wants or needs. It's only the oughts, shoulds, musts directed at her by other people who believe they know it all--that they are infallible.

Exploration and freedom never existed for her. Only timelines, deadlines, and ultimatums.

Could you really blame Ryn for not wanting to stay a mere puppet for someone else?