attempt failure, intraoral shotgun, SI got in the way, help/vent thread

[zengiraffe]

Yesterday I spent about 5 minutes with a shotgun barrel in my mouth. The gun was loaded. The safety was off. My thumb was hovering one inch above the trigger. It felt like an eternity. My heart was beating heavy. I didn't do it.

I was afraid it would be very painful. This is a completely irrational fear. The shotgun slug would rip through my brain before it would have a chance to register any pain. I knew this at the time.

I was also afraid I would mess up and live. This is another completely irrational fear. Shooting into your head through the roof of your mouth with a shotgun is a virtually guaranteed death. I also knew this at the time.

Yet I couldn't do it. And now I don't know what to do. I definitely don't want to live, but ending it is such a violent and scary experience that it's hard to find the guts to actually go through with it.

I tried a peaceful method in the past, specifically inert gas asphyxiation. It didn't work, obviously. It felt like it didn't even come close to working. I was skeptical of peaceful methods before, but my personal failure with one of them has made me write them off entirely. I know that if I'm serious about exiting, and I am, the method I use has to be one of the scary ones.

I think my body is refusing to act in the moment because having a big barrel in my mouth is just triggering my SI too much. Like my body knows this is wrong and refuses to move forward.

Alternatively, I also have a powerful revolver, and I could use that to shoot myself in the side of the head. I think that would lower my probability of success from like 99%+ to "only" 97%+, but that's probably a sacrifice worth making, as using a smaller gun and not having to go through the mouth seems like it would make it easier to bypass my SI, at least in theory.

Anyway, anyone got any advice or suggestions on how to make it easier to overcome SI in this situation?

 

[eljuicioporlaestafa]

Have you tried taking something before doing it? Getting drunk is what people typically do. Go for that glass of scotch + revolver to the head combo.

 

[bankai]

Damn, I completely understand. Survival instinct is extremely hard to overcome. Much as I actually love guns as a guy. I've given up on trying to use them to take the bus. Simply because I put a lot of effort into my body at the gym and dieting and all sorts of health maxing methods for several years and I am squeamish at destroying my body utterly on the way out.

I am looking to use either SN or N or Gas.

But as the previous poster said, alcohol might be an inhibitor.

 

[25dRvS9Ka]

Some people consume legal drugs such as alcohol... Another option is if you are feeling exhausted and saturated, headphones with music can be useful when it is time to quit.

If you are determined that it is the right thing to do, choose to consider that what is coming is the relief of your anguish, from now on you are claiming your right to return to the non-existence, death is a right of every being.

 

[DivineSpark]

Damn, I completely understand. Survival instinct is extremely hard to overcome. Much as I actually love guns as a guy. I've given up on trying to use them to take the bus. Simply because I put a lot of effort into my body at the gym and dieting and all sorts of health maxing methods for several years and I am squeamish at destroying my body utterly on the way out.

I am looking to use either SN or N or Gas.

But as the previous poster said, alcohol might be an inhibitor.

If I would have access to guns in my country (gun strict country) I would have done it long time ago. I dont trust overdosing methods, because I think my body is very resistant to such.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

me too i couldn't do it . Irrational fears.

I have a shotgun and rifle also. But haven't been able to do it. Those people on watchpeople die are brave

I need to and want to kill myself

 

[deathisapanacea]

Having access to the gold standard method but not able to pull the trigger is pretty sad buddy. I guess I will also chicken out when I finally get my hands on a nice shotgun or a handgun. I fear missing the target, surviving but losing my vision.

 

[Broken_Biscuit]

Really relatable stuff here - though being in the UK, having access to a firearm is quite challenging. I agree that popping a round in the skull is the most efficient way of CTB, and sorry that on this occasion peace didn't follow. At least you can maybe try when you are good and ready. Something held you back for now.

Personally for me I'd have to spend some time with my good old mate Jack to get me greased up enough to go through with it.

 

[zengiraffe]

Have you tried taking something before doing it? Getting drunk is what people typically do. Go for that glass of scotch + revolver to the head combo.

If I was attempting almost any other method I'd probably drink a bit beforehand. I don't feel comfortable doing that with this method though because angling the gun correctly, and holding it steady through the trigger pull, requires some dexterity and fine motor skills, and those are the first things to go when getting drunk.

Another option is if you are feeling exhausted and saturated, headphones with music can be useful when it is time to quit.

I like the idea of listening to music while doing it. It'll probably help calm me down and prevent me from overthinking in the final moment.

If you are determined that it is the right thing to do, choose to consider that what is coming is the relief of your anguish, from now on you are claiming your right to return to the non-existence, death is a right of every being.

I like this framing. I noticed that if I think of CTB as "escaping from life" instead of "becoming dead" it feels more approachable.

If I would have access to guns in my country (gun strict country) I would have done it long time ago.

Well, that's what I thought before I got my guns too. Could've killed myself with a gun in January of 2023 but somehow I'm still here 2.5 years later.

Having access to the gold standard method but not able to pull the trigger is pretty sad buddy. I guess I will also chicken out when I finally get my hands on a nice shotgun or a handgun. I fear missing the target, surviving but losing my vision.

Yeah, I'm pretty sad about it. As for losing your vision, just don't shoot yourself in the temple. Either shoot up through the roof of the mouth or from the side of the head right behind or right above the ear.

Anyway, I spent some more time thinking about it and I think I've devised an approach that might allow me to trick my SI. Since I have a revolver I'm going to play Russian Roulette with myself. My revolver's cylinder has five chambers in it. I can put in four dummy rounds and one live round, spin the cylinder, and then close it without looking. I can then point it at my head and pull the trigger, because the probability of nothing happening is 80%, which is really high! I can tell myself, "Hey, this is no big deal, you'll hit a dummy round, nothing's going to happen, it'll be a practice run, just like you've done dozens of times before."

If I pull the trigger and actually shoot myself, well then the work is done and I have nothing else left to do or worry about. If I don't shoot myself but am feeling gutsy, I can pull the trigger again for a 75% chance of nothing happening, and even pull it a third time for a 67% chance of nothing happening. If I'm not feeling gutsy I can just open the cylinder, re-spin it, and close it again to reset the probability back to 80%. Then I can continue re-spinning the cylinder after every trigger pull until the gun actually goes off, all the while telling myself that nothing is going to happen and this is all just practice. I'll shoot myself eventually.

 

[25dRvS9Ka]

If I was attempting almost any other method I'd probably drink a bit beforehand. I don't feel comfortable doing that with this method though because angling the gun correctly, and holding it steady through the trigger pull, requires some dexterity and fine motor skills, and those are the first things to go when getting drunk.


I like the idea of listening to music while doing it. It'll probably help calm me down and prevent me from overthinking in the final moment.


I like this framing. I noticed that if I think of CTB as "escaping from life" instead of "becoming dead" it feels more approachable.


Well, that's what I thought before I got my guns too. Could've killed myself with a gun in January of 2023 but somehow I'm still here 2.5 years later.


Yeah, I'm pretty sad about it. As for losing your vision, just don't shoot yourself in the temple. Either shoot up through the roof of the mouth or from the side of the head right behind or right above the ear.

Anyway, I spent some more time thinking about it and I think I've devised an approach that might allow me to trick my SI. Since I have a revolver I'm going to play Russian Roulette with myself. My revolver's cylinder has five chambers in it. I can put in four dummy rounds and one live round, spin the cylinder, and then close it without looking. I can then point it at my head and pull the trigger, because the probability of nothing happening is 80%, which is really high! I can tell myself, "Hey, this is no big deal, you'll hit a dummy round, nothing's going to happen, it'll be a practice run, just like you've done dozens of times before."

If I pull the trigger and actually shoot myself, well then the work is done and I have nothing else left to do or worry about. If I don't shoot myself but am feeling gutsy, I can pull the trigger again for a 75% chance of nothing happening, and even pull it a third time for a 67% chance of nothing happening. If I'm not feeling gutsy I can just open the cylinder, re-spin it, and close it again to reset the probability back to 80%. Then I can continue re-spinning the cylinder after every trigger pull until the gun actually goes off, all the while telling myself that nothing is going to happen and this is all just practice. I'll shoot myself eventually.

It is worth remembering that both the right to death and the right to life are exclusively yours. It is important to value your living conditions and carefully analyze what is best for you.

There is no shame in CTB as well as in continuing to be fully alive, I hope you find your answers with wisdom and balance, take care.