Story Back

[Dizzylady80]

So I was away from this website for about a year and a half. I was gonna take the long nap and was stopped, my best friend "foiled my plans" a second time and staged an intervention with family and friends that saved my life, and I'm very grateful for that. It traumatized the fuck out of them though. Got on some meds that helped my chronic pain, started being open with my friends, got a deeply fulfilling (while low paying) job, even went back to school at 26. Life was hard, but getting better. It became good again.
Then the meds stopped working. Can you believe that? They just kinda quit. I'm in hellacious pain all the time now, again. It's not as bad as it was, but it's getting there. That voice, I thought it was gone, has gotten louder and louder, and now I'm catching myself unintentionally(?) saying it out loud "you should do it YOU SHOULD DO IT."
I'm terrified. I'm not living for other people anymore, I'm living for myself which I think is a beautiful thing, but it's much more responsibility and much more precarious. I want to live now, not like before, but I do not want to live like this, and the future is looking bad. Very bad. I want to enjoy life, but god damnit I can't when I hurt like this and I CERTAINLY don't want to hurt more. Don't want to lose my job and school, become worse off financially than I already am. I don't want to be stuck in bed for days at a time like what happens now, and I know it can be worse because it used to be weeks.
I don't know why I'm here exactly, I mean if I had a gun in front of me I wouldn't pull the trigger, and I feel so fucking childish (even though I dont feel that way about seeing other's posts) for posting on this forum. I just feel the suicidal thoughts getting worse and worse and I'm terrified. And I'm back

 

[Cathy Ames]

Have you gone back to the psychiatrist to let them know that the drugs quit working?

 

[Dizzylady80]

Have you gone back to the psychiatrist to let them know that the drugs quit working?

It's the pain meds that quit working. I've got neuropathic pain which takes weird meds, and they're just sorta stopping. I've maxed out my dose and exhausted all my treatment options unfortunately

 

[Cathy Ames]

It's the pain meds that quit working. I've got neuropathic pain which takes weird meds, and they're just sorta stopping. I've maxed out my dose and exhausted all my treatment options unfortunately

Oh, crap! I'm sorry I misunderstood. Well, that just sounds horrible.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Oh, crap! I'm sorry I misunderstood. Well, that just sounds horrible.

Yeah it's very unpleasant, I can't walk farther than a couple blocks, pretty much any touch or temperature change or vibration (like in a car or around loud music) makes it really bad, and the base pain varies from like a 5 to a 7, with 10 being arm-crushed and losing consciousness. And needless to say it's exhausting
8

Oh, crap! I'm sorry I misunderstood. Well, that just sounds horrible.

Back when I was on here before the base pain level was consistently a 7, and any kind of agitation made it so bad that I couldn't speak or move. I just don't want it to get that bad again, you know? It's scary

 

[Riddle]

I am sorry the meds stopped working. I also suffer from chronic pain and other symptoms, fortunately I do not have pain at your severity but I know a bit of whats its like.

It really is an impossible situation to navigate day to day. How to continue having some sort of life while dealing with severe chronic pain and illness. When my condition deteriorated last year I did fight for the first 9 months trying every thing I can to maintain my relationships, my job, get treatments, meditate, yoga etc. but I've recently lost hope and decided to dial it in. I quit my job, starting lounging around all day, eating junk food, smoking weed, avoiding people, writing long posts on SaSu, etc.. I thought I would at least feel better getting all the responsibilities off my plate.

But now that its been a couple weeks, and I think its a worse position to be in. And now I think I need to at least try again for my own sanity to fight through and keep trying or I will ctb sooner than later. For me it is inevitable but I do want to stay a couple years longer for my family.

So I think its okay for you come back for a bit if needed, grieve and mourn and wallow about the life you had versus the one you could be living. Consider ctb or which method you would etc. so and let the knowledge that you can ctb at any time and end the pain soothe at least the mental anguish dealing with it all . And then after you got a lot out of your system, try to bounce back mentally and stay positive so you can enjoy life again. Know that you are dealing with pain most people will never have or understand, and as such take the time you need to deal with the toll that has and don't feel bad about it

[obviously it would really help if the pain got better so I hope you are able to find some relief]

 

[Dizzylady80]

I am sorry the meds stopped working. I also suffer from chronic pain and other symptoms, fortunately I do not have pain at your severity but I know a bit of whats its like.

It really is an impossible situation to navigate day to day. How to continue having some sort of life while dealing with severe chronic pain and illness. When my condition deteriorated last year I did fight for the first 9 months trying every thing I can to maintain my relationships, my job, get treatments, meditate, yoga etc. but I've recently lost hope and decided to dial it in. I quit my job, starting lounging around all day, eating junk food, smoking weed, avoiding people, writing long posts on SaSu, etc.. I thought I would at least feel better getting all the responsibilities off my plate.

But now that its been a couple weeks, and I think its a worse position to be in. And now I think I need to at least try again for my own sanity to fight through and keep trying or I will ctb sooner than later. For me it is inevitable but I do want to stay a couple years longer for my family.

So I think its okay for you come back for a bit if needed, grieve and mourn and wallow about the life you had versus the one you could be living. Consider ctb or which method you would etc. so and let the knowledge that you can ctb at any time and end the pain soothe at least the mental anguish dealing with it all . And then after you got a lot out of your system, try to bounce back mentally and stay positive so you can enjoy life again. Know that you are dealing with pain most people will never have or understand, and as such take the time you need to deal with the toll that has and don't feel bad about it

[obviously it would really help if the pain got better so I hope you are able to find s

Damn I relate to your situation so much Riddle, thanks a lot for sharing. I kinda went all in after I started getting better and now that it's worse I'm burnt out, hopefully I can bounce back mentally. My therapist has been working with me on separating the physical and the mental, pretty easy for lighter pain but hard with more severe pain but with more practice maybe that'll help if my physical situation continues to worsen.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, that sounds so awful what you are going through. To me, it is horrifying how our bodies are capable of torturing us so much. When things just get worse, it really can be dreadful. I wish you the best in whatever happens.