Venting Being a parent?

[Johnnythefox]

Thanks Misanthrope.
I don't consider myself an expert, other that that it helps(ed) me immensely.
I have, and will give some more thought to creating a thread.
With all the info available on the web, I really don't have to be an expert.
Just present the fact that this method is available, and only requires some effort to learn by the interested party.
Sometimes the best things in life are FREE.

I've always been interested in meditation since my late teens, this is pre Internet times. I did attend a meeting in Glasgow at the transcendental meditation centre, unfortunately I never followed it through.
I was using various self help audio tracks from YouTube and elsewhere, this one is particularly relaxing.

Other ones I've used can be found here.
https://stresscontrolaudio.com/home
This is also a great example of how meditation can be beneficial. I thought about asking him if I could join him.


Although I'm not a practising Buddhist, it has always appealed to me for its philosophy and meditation practice.
Namaste.

 

[Crimsonskye]

I'm on acid reducer/met regime for the second time. I have my SN. I also did afew weeks back but when it came to the day I didn't go ahead. I was hoping Friday would be the day. Last night I was in a very bad way so felt like I could go head. I think about CBT every second of everyday even when I'm busy and the last few days even dream about it. I was just wondering if anyone else on here has children? Right now I'm feeling the most awful sense of guilt for my son. How could I bring him into the world and just leave him. He's 16, he has a boyfriend now and I don't feel like I'm needed anymore at all from anyone. Even by him. I just want to go the guilt for him and what my father would feel is killing me. But living in this hell in mind is absolutely killing me. I don't know what I even want anyone to say. Just ranting really I love my son more than anything but I feel so bad for the fact I brought him in to this awful world that I can't even bare to stay in myself I've reached out for help from the drs, I'm currently on Venlalic 75mg and amertipline but I still feel like absolutely shit. I just don't know what to do anymore FML

My mom hanged herself last year and it really does fuck you up for life but at the same time I'm glad she could find peace

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

An update for everyone. I obviously didn't take the SN. Everything that everyone said about CTB being the last resort when your parent wouldn't leave my mind. On the Friday which is the day I planned to do the deed I felt actually very good. I felt positive and felt like I was ok and could conquer the world almost, this was 4 days into having started taking Velaxaine 75. I ended up in the gym for 2.5 hours working out so hard I undstoppble. Sadly that evening and for the rest of the weekend I had the worst hypomania I had ever experienced I didn't sleep I could actually feel myself losing control I was in a terrible state of mind. I wanted to check myself into A and E it was that what bad. So the following days I spilt the medication in half and luckily I had some quatiapine left over and that did calm me down. Unfortunately I then started to get severe side affects, nightmares every night. I
wake up in a pool of sweat, having very realistic dreams last nights one was that the actual devil was chasing me. I woke up went back to sleep with the help of a quetiapine again woke up screaming this time as I was dreaming I was being gang raped. I never even remember my dreams let alone have nightmares so I know for sure it's the drug: other side affects include, constant sweating, insomia, racing heart being so alert constantly. It feels like a bad trip ive never taken LSD but I imagine it feels something like this. On the plus side I feel numb. I don't feel like I want to CTB but I actually don't feel happy either like I'm just existing like I'm just vacant. I am going back to my dr tomorrow as unfortunately the nightmare and hypomania is so bad I don't think I can continue. I actually think I would rather deal with my depression then deal with these side affects. I have also finally broken up with the very toxic person I've been seeing and probably made my state of mind much worse. Little baby steps but I'm going to do my best to recover. Thank for all for your input I can't express how much I appreciate it.

 

[color_me_gone]

I obviously didn't take the SN.

I felt actually very good. I felt positive and felt like I was ok and could conquer the world almost

finally broken up with the very toxic person I've been seeing

I know that is not easy, but in the long run, probably best - my heart to you!

Little baby steps but I'm going to do my best to recover.

Good you you! You are courageous. I am happy for you! Life is hard.
Hoping you can find somebody to treat you like you deserve.
Baby steps are the way to crack huge problems!
Or as we say in AA: one day at a time.
I wish to you all the strength and fortitude you need to crack this hellhole you are dealing with!

 

[color_me_gone]

I have a kid

how old?

 

[Sixfeetunder]

I'm still young-ish and don't have kids, thank god. That would make things much more complicated.

 

[Crimsonskye]

An update for everyone. I obviously didn't take the SN. Everything that everyone said about CTB being the last resort when your parent wouldn't leave my mind. On the Friday which is the day I planned to do the deed I felt actually very good. I felt positive and felt like I was ok and could conquer the world almost, this was 4 days into having started taking Velaxaine 75. I ended up in the gym for 2.5 hours working out so hard I undstoppble. Sadly that evening and for the rest of the weekend I had the worst hypomania I had ever experienced I didn't sleep I could actually feel myself losing control I was in a terrible state of mind. I wanted to check myself into A and E it was that what bad. So the following days I spilt the medication in half and luckily I had some quatiapine left over and that did calm me down. Unfortunately I then started to get severe side affects, nightmares every night. I
wake up in a pool of sweat, having very realistic dreams last nights one was that the actual devil was chasing me. I woke up went back to sleep with the help of a quetiapine again woke up screaming this time as I was dreaming I was being gang raped. I never even remember my dreams let alone have nightmares so I know for sure it's the drug: other side affects include, constant sweating, insomia, racing heart being so alert constantly. It feels like a bad trip ive never taken LSD but I imagine it feels something like this. On the plus side I feel numb. I don't feel like I want to CTB but I actually don't feel happy either like I'm just existing like I'm just vacant. I am going back to my dr tomorrow as unfortunately the nightmare and hypomania is so bad I don't think I can continue. I actually think I would rather deal with my depression then deal with these side affects. I have also finally broken up with the very toxic person I've been seeing and probably made my state of mind much worse. Little baby steps but I'm going to do my best to recover. Thank for all for your input I can't express how much I appreciate it.

Great news keep us updated!

 

[color_me_gone]

don't have kids, thank god. That would make things much more complicated.

Yes, I agree.
I have two grown stepchildren, on their own, have their own lives, my ctb would be minimal.
Sadly, I have a wife, which is a major problem.

 

[RedBuns]

I have two kids, aged 6 and 2. It hasn't been easy being a young parent (i mean i'm 25 so im getting older now) but it deffinitely has taken it's toll on me. I wonder constantly how my suicide would affect them. And then I cry because I love them so damn much and I don"t want to leave them. I want to be with them so fucking bad. I want to see them grow up.
But i just can't. I'm too fucking weak for life.

Also, I think my depression is starting to affect my 6 year old. Every time i cry (which is often), he constantly asks me "whats wrong mommy" and all i can say is "nothing, honey" through sobbing tears. For the past few weeks, he will be doing whatever and then will randomly stop and start tearing up literally for no reason. And when i ask him whats wrong he replies with "nothing" as he tries to hold back tears.

I am a horrible mother and its just one of the many reasons i need to ctb asap.

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

I have two kids, aged 6 and 2. It hasn't been easy being a young parent (i mean i'm 25 so im getting older now) but it deffinitely has taken it's toll on me. I wonder constantly how my suicide would affect them. And then I cry because I love them so damn much and I don"t want to leave them. I want to be with them so fucking bad. I want to see them grow up.
But i just can't. I'm too fucking weak for life.

Also, I think my depression is starting to affect my 6 year old. Every time i cry (which is often), he constantly asks me "whats wrong mommy" and all i can say is "nothing, honey" through sobbing tears. For the past few weeks, he will be doing whatever and then will randomly stop and start tearing up literally for no reason. And when i ask him whats wrong he replies with "nothing" as he tries to hold back tears.

I am a horrible mother and its just one of the many reasons i need to ctb asap.

I promise you I can completely relate to this pain. The pain of even breathing, waking up every morning can be unbearable. It's been 7 days since I wrote that post and someone pointed out if I did drink my SN later that afternoon the affect it would have on my child. The fear of my son feeling that pain started to become a reality. I couldn't pass on my hell to him. As a mother we would want to take any pain away that our kids even when they get a the flu, how could I full well know what I was about to do to him. In my deepest darkest depression you can feel like such a bad mother for even having thoese thoughts feel like you don't deserve to be a mother and they are better off without you. I'm not hear to talk you out of this at all because I wouldn't have appreciated anyone doing that to me. It's been 7 days I guess all my meds have kicked and I feel quite numb. I don't have feel happy nor sad just feel ok and right now that's the best feeling I can have. Trust me it's a lot better than how I was last week. Before you make any final decisions please remember I'm still here and I'm ok and maybe you can be ok too. I'm here if you need to talk.

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

@RedBuns

What else has helped me in the last week is I asked me friend to change all my emails and passwords on all my social media. That was a huge contribution to my unhappiness seeing my ex's happy and getting married having kids and me just miserable in bed. Comparing myself to unrealistic images.

Within that time I started to write down all the things from birth to now we're everything went wrong so I can process them in my head. I've realised how many individual traumatic experiences there were. No wonder I feel so depressed. But if I can process them prephapes I can move on.

 

[Thewhowithin69]

So, I've been trying to get the energy and courage together to respond to this post. If all the posts it's the one that grabs me. I am almost 50 years old and for the last year I have had no contact with my 22 yr old daughter. Her choice, not mine. She needed the space from feeling the burden of caring for me..course I didn't think she had to care for me that often and I was as contientous as I could be in when I would get sick making sure someone else cared for her but the damage was done. I love that girl to death. She is the only reason I chose to keep living when I wanted to be dead so much. I used her and knew I was doing that, that at some point the darkness would come back and own me again. I knew I would eventually give up fighting against such an evil force. But I'm also so glad I didn't give in before now. Every fucking moment of joy I squeezed from life means one less moment they(my absures)/it(mental disease) took away from me!! I know that while my daughter's life wasn't easy, it also wasn't near as bad as mine. I made a dent in the cycle. Wanted it to be a bigger dent but it's was the right direction and I'm proud. I also think she pushed me away because she knows what's coming and is trying to cushion the blow. And cuz she is stubborn like me and wants to prove her independence. All good shit. She is a great girl and of course I'm worried about my death and how it will effect her, but I do think she will have more resources now as an adult to deal then if I had succeeded when she was on 6mo that old or at 3 yrs old or even at 9 when it cropped up again and let's not forget at 15.....I'm not stupid. Of course I damaged her by my illnesses. But I also loved her best I could AND she saw me fight this fucking horror of a thing that took over my mind and she saw me fight it hard. I hope that's a lesson I taught her, to not give up easily. She also became very sensitive and empathetic. My illness didn't only hurt her, it did leave her with some good stuff eventually. It's all I have to cling to and I do hope we can talk again before I ctb. I want one more chance to give her opportunity to tell me how she feels and what might help. Maybe I even want her to have the chance to just get pissed and angry. Whatever her journey needs to look like I'm ok with. But I also know I don't have much left in me. And I have always curved my world around her needs as much as my illness let me. I'm doing this for me. I want to be done cuz I'm so tired and I think I gave it a good enough go. Course she will be sad but I also hope she will understand, she has lived this torture with me.
I would never presume to judge ANYONE who ctb's because I know what a struggle it is. Do I think children are ever better off without their mom's/dad's?? Sure, sometimes but only if they are hurting them severely. Maybe this is not a popular opinion but it's honest..for me I didn't hurt her bad enough to make me being gone be better for her. Yes they see sadness and mood swings and they feel a burden too young of caring for us. All that sucks but I don't think it's the same as actually abuse. So I guess even though I know how hard it is I also know there are still some things you can teach your child and even prepare them for with your eventually death. Isn't that some of our responsibility as a parent?? I know it's a slippery slope cuz by my judging myself it sounds like I judge you. If you cannot carry on,.you cannot carry on. If I had the health issues back then on top of the mental shit there is no way I would have survived so how can I say what someone else can handle?? But I do say grasp every moment you can with them and prepare them best you can. If you need to be numb from stupid medication but it gives you another week with them, I think it's a good thing!! Whatever time they have is another moment to love them through for when they don't have us anymore. Least I hope it works like that ;)
I am so sorry you ladies (op and red) are hurting so bad right now. If you need to use your kids for your kids I hope you do! And if you can't then maybe set them up with someone who can really support them through this, cuz once your pain is over theirs starts, sorry to be blunt...and if you wanna chat with another mom who gets it I'm willing. Not alot of energy to play nice these days but I do get how messy life gets....
Whatever you choose please know it's yours to make...and even if this sounds prolife it's more more prochild I guess. I totally respect anyones choice and feel like the only time I'm allowed an opinion is if I can step in your shoes and life your life for you. Sorry but no thanks mines enough! So hopefully you don't hear judgement just my heart feeling for ya!

 

[color_me_gone]

But if I can process them prephapes I can move on.

I'll be rooting for you, my dear!