Venting Being an addict but living sober and being suicidal fucking sucks!

[cloudyskye]

I'm honestly curious if you're suicidal why do you care about getting sober?

 

[KillingPain267]

I'm honestly curious if you're suicidal why do you care about getting sober?

Very good question actually. Answer: When I really became suicidal and started researching methods I didn't care about the health consequences of drugs and alcohol, because I was ready to check out. So I used without a care for the future. But SI kicked in, and life circumstances made it harder to get my method (SN) planned, so I postponed my suicide. But then, naturally, the health consequences of drugs started creeping in, and it too gave me SI because I don't want a slow painful AND SHAMEFUL death or recovery process of my family forcing me to try treatments. Because on top of that I totally hid my drug use from my family and doctors because if it became obvious I was out of control, it would lead to losing freedom. And losing freedom restricts the suicide methods you can viably plan for. So in short, retaining my freedom and freedom to properly plan and execute a suicide is why I care about being sober. Drugs and alcohol use are bad suicide methods it turns out.

 

[cloudyskye]

Very good question actually. Answer: When I really became suicidal and started researching methods I didn't care about the health consequences of drugs and alcohol, because I was ready to check out. So I used without a care for the future. But SI kicked in, and life circumstances made it harder to get my method (SN) planned, so I postponed my suicide. But then, naturally, the health consequences of drugs started creeping in, and it too gave me SI because I don't want a slow painful AND SHAMEFUL death or recovery process of my family forcing me to try treatments. Because on top of that I totally hid my drug use from my family and doctors because if it became obvious I was out of control, it would lead to losing freedom. And losing freedom restricts the suicide methods you can viably plan for. So in short, retaining my freedom and freedom to properly plan and execute a suicide is why I care about being sober. Drugs and alcohol use are bad suicide methods it turns out.

Totally makes sense. I will say I see here all the time od'ing isn't reliable, it's bad etc... yet I see on the news all the time people dying from od. Does make one wonder. I also just want to say I've read quite a few of your posts and comments. They're always intelligent and thoughtful without being gushy and saccharine. I really enjoy them and I appreciate them.

 

[KillingPain267]

Totally makes sense. I will say I see here all the time od'ing isn't reliable, it's bad etc... yet I see on the news all the time people dying from od. Does make one wonder. I also just want to say I've read quite a few of your posts and comments. They're always intelligent and thoughtful without being gushy and saccharine. I really enjoy them and I appreciate them.

Thank you for those kind words.

Yeah, the ODs in media, I'm so irritated by it because I was deceived by it too. Because they make it out to sound like it's easy to find a drug to OD with. The reality is that it's rare to quickly die from it. What is much more common is people overdosing or overusing and NOT dying, BUT have scary health consequences instead. Consequences that cripple them and make them suffer even more, but not getting the sweet relief of death. But since the media and culture in general sees death as the ultimate side effect or consequence, they report more on that with hysteria. But to suicidal people, death is a welcomed side effect, so we may use drugs irresponsibly hoping to die but then end up with a long PAINFUL health issue, and family and doctors forcing us to try long painful healing processes and denying us euthanasia. I think this is part of a broader issue, in that the medical industry focuses more on saving life (at all cost) rather than quality of life. Sometimes the saving of life comes even at the cost of quality of life, and they are a-ok with that apparently.

 

[cloudyskye]

Well the saying goes "if it bleeds it leads" and there's a lot of truth to that. I guess od is a close 2nd. But still I don't know where you are but here in a smallish U.S. state there are constant deaths. I've even seen them on cops the TV show and live pd. I've never done drugs (I do drink but don't have a problem) so my tolerance has to be really low. I've seriously considered getting myself some fent or high grade h to see if I can od lol.

 

[KillingPain267]

Well the saying goes "if it bleeds it leads" and there's a lot of truth to that. I guess od is a close 2nd. But still I don't know where you are but here in a smallish U.S. state there are constant deaths. I've even seen them on cops the TV show and live pd. I've never done drugs (I do drink but don't have a problem) so my tolerance has to be really low. I've seriously considered getting myself some fent or high grade h to see if I can od lol.

OD is certainly possible with opioids, but it's rarer than the media makes it out to be. The media, like Cops make it seem like just looking at fentanyl causes death, lol. Actually, alcohol causes far more deaths (in various ways) than opioids. It's not even been shown that opioids cause cancer like alcohol and smoking does, yet we don't hear about beer and whiskey causing "constant deaths" lol and how alcohol must be banned and that there is "an alcohol crisis". Also, most opioid deaths are accidental when someone underestimated the potency, or the fentanyl and heroin is laced with something unknown, or when people mix cocaine or other stimulants with sedates like opioids. And even then most people doing it don't die. My point is just that the media exaggerates the deaths because they have an agenda.

 

[cloudyskye]

OD is certainly possible with opioids, but it's rarer than the media makes it out to be. The media, like Cops make it seem like just looking at fentanyl causes death, lol. Actually, alcohol causes far more deaths (in various ways) than opioids. It's not even been shown that opioids cause cancer like alcohol and smoking does, yet we don't hear about beer and whiskey causing "constant deaths" lol and how alcohol must be banned and that there is "an alcohol crisis". Also, most opioid deaths are accidental when someone underestimated the potency, or the fentanyl and heroin is laced with something unknown, or when people mix cocaine or other stimulants with sedates like opioids. And even then most people doing it don't die. My point is just that the media exaggerates the deaths because they have an agenda.

Yeah I'm not a conspiracy nut but there's no doubt media has an agenda. I'm also old enough to have seen multiple drug "epidemics" come and go. Pcp heroine Coke Crack etc... I wonder about pharma. Just consider that you rave person probably never heard of narcan before 3-5 years ago. Now everyone know what it is its everywhere and I'll guarantee its sales have skyrocketed.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I think death is higher in people who detox from heroin for awhile. Then time goes by and they start with the same dose they previously used, or go to a new dealer who may have a stronger strength. I might be wrong but that's what it appears to be.

 

[Cloud Busting]

No, for real, my addict brain tries this tactic of "I'm not THAT bad" all the time too. It's not that I'm humble so much as it is being brutally honest with myself on the cold hard facts of where I am, and that I could easily end up like the people who tell their scary stories because I got too close.

Ive been brutally honest more so than before, but I still don't feel like I'd ever get "that" bad. Maybe I'm in denial still. At least I can accept I'm an addict this time. Lol

I've found a guy on YouTube called Bat Country who is good at explaining the alcoholic idiotic brain's logic to justify drinking.

I'll have to check it out. I definitely struggle with addict logic haha.

Yes, I am sober from alcohol 3 months now, and opioids about 10 months.

Fantastic! That's a huge feat. I'm sober from meth just shy of six months. The last time I drank was… yesterday. And my bf wants gin and I refuse to be a buzzkill so I'm getting him some… I hope I don't drink it. My cravings have been intense and I've been sneaking extra booze in private. This isn't good.

Did you find substances quelled your suicidal ideation as well?

Yeah I'm not a conspiracy nut but there's no doubt media has an agenda. I'm also old enough to have seen multiple drug "epidemics" come and go. Pcp heroine Coke Crack etc... I wonder about pharma. Just consider that you rave person probably never heard of narcan before 3-5 years ago. Now everyone know what it is its everywhere and I'll guarantee its sales have skyrocketed.

Narcan has been FDA approved since 1971. I think narcan's recent accessibility is better attributed to harm reduction efforts rather than big pharma trying to make a profit

There is absolutely an agenda that has been pushed since the Regan administration. Fuck the war on drugs. I like what @KillingPain267 said about the government and media exaggerating the effects of overdoses. It's a scare tactic to enact stricter anti drug polices.

I for one am glad harm reduction is becoming more widespread. I went to a harm reductionist treatment program and it was great.

 

[KillingPain267]

Fantastic! That's a huge feat. I'm sober from meth just shy of six months.

How do you find the difference in the feeling of alcohol in comparison to meth? I never tried serious stimulants as I think they will just put my anxiety in hyper drive, although it seems alcohol gives a rush from the first few drinks which I always liked. Other than that I am more of a "downer" addict.

The last time I drank was… yesterday. And my bf wants gin and I refuse to be a buzzkill so I'm getting him some… I hope I don't drink it. My cravings have been intense and I've been sneaking extra booze in private. This isn't good.

You can always stop again. Until sobriety sticks. If ih was me I would not have stopped at one bottle of gin, or one day, no if I had drank yesterday I would have been away for a month binging. So I have to make an effort to not even to pass by the liquor section of grocery stores. Looking at it would just get my brain going, which will eventually get my hands going, and lastly mouth. I know I would be way too weak to resist.

Luckily my immediate family are not big drinkers. I actually taught my younger brother teetotalism which he still sticks to. And when my parents found out I had been drinking in secret last holiday season they got rid of all their alcohol in their house. So I am never surrounded by alcohol anymore at least when I'm with them.

I hated them for it at first but I guess it's the best for me. It will sadly come as a shock to them if or when I kill myself.

Did you find substances quelled your suicidal ideation as well?

At first, absolutely. But it's more that they numbed the mental pain from my life circumstances, which is what gave rise to suicidal ideation. The full effect of alcohol at first made me content with my shitty life in this shitty world. But that effect lasted only an hour at most after each time I drank. Then tolerance slowly grew the more often I did it. Same with opioids, but with them the effect lasted longer and was less messy. High as a kite on opioids I felt so content and apathetic that I could have watched my entire family get beheaded by ISIS and I wouldn't have cared one bit. But tolerance to those grew even faster and was expensive as hell. The withdrawals are absolute hell and still scare the crap out of me!