Venting Being forced back home.

[Droso]

So much shit happened. Stuff I haven't talked about in the public forum.

My ma found my SN. At first, she didn't even take it away. I opened up to her. I thought she was going to respect my decision. She said there was nothing she could do.

Well. Not anymore. Last night we were at dinner. And whatever I said, she decided that she couldn't drive me back to my dorm without taking away the SN. So I had to give it to her. I thought that was the end of it.

She lured me out to the car just now, saying she brought up the physical doctor's notes I left at home. Said her and my step dad were gonna go eat at the restaurant so she thought might as well.

She didn't have them. Told me to get in the car. Said she called the cops and if I didn't go home they would take me to the hospital. I know she didn't call them, but by the way she was acting, I could tell she was going to.

I couldn't even go back in to get my stuff. My plans fell out of the damn window. All because I got sick. All because she looked through my damn bag and looked at the invoice taped to the side of the box.

Fuck. Fuck. I'm so fucking pissed. She lied to me. She fucking lied to me. I told her so many things thinking she was going to respect my choice. I should have known better. I should have never talked to her.

Does she really think she can help me like this? Force me back home and take away all of my damn agency? Does she really think I'll be receptive and want to talk to her?

I want to scream. I want to break everything. I'm so goddamn stupid and naive. I fucked everything up.


Edit: She's taking me to the psych ward, I think. She hasn't said shit ever since I got into the car. I'm too pissed off to ask. But we passed by the house.

 

[R. A.]

fuck, i can't imagine all the awful feelings this is causing. ugh.
i'm sorry. please do update if it's helpful...

 

[nool]

I'm so sorry your trust was broken. I hope all goes well for you

 

[-Link-]

This is the desperation of a mother trying to save her child's life. I have never heard of any parent standing idly by while knowing their child has an active suicide plan in place. What you're going through right now became an inevitability the moment she discovered the SN. Anything she said or did after that point would have been said or done in the midst of her own fight-or-flight response as a matter of her own survival in trying to navigate a desperate situation that's likely impossible for the average person to even imagine.

If you are even remotely open to the prospect of trying treatment (even if hesitantly and annoyedly), you could use this situation to your advantage. You had a life-ending substance in your possession, and this fact will open opportunities that would not have been available to you otherwise, had this information not come to light. The SN is an immediate objective indicator to all parties involved (family, friends, doctors) of the severity and seriousness of your condition, and this will allow you to bypass doctor skepticism, fast-track through wait lists, and access an intensiveness in treatment that's generally inaccessible to the average person.

I know you're in an incredibly challenging spot. But you're going to get through this. You will come out of this OK. Worst case scenario, you delay your plans, as the thing about suicide is, "It can always be done later." Best case scenario, you come out of this with a bit of newfound hope that you'd have otherwise never been able to feel.

I hope you'll be able to, at some point in the future, see your mom's actions for what they are: an act of utter desperation stemming from her love and care for her child.

In whatever lies ahead for you, I wish you the best of luck in seeing your way through it and wish you as well as can be under the circumstances.