Story Being with normal people is exhausting

[boydiablo]

After 8 months of being more or less alone for the majority of the day I'm now in an intensive program for university. I am quite literally with people 24/7. Twenty-five of them. The environment is such that I'm expected to be constantly performing at my peak. People are depending on me for things. And it's great. I realize I'm lucky to be able to do this without major problems. But it's also incredibly exhausting. The change from no people to people all the time is jarring enough, but man, I've never felt this tired and alone just from being with normal people before. People who don't spend ridiculous amounts of time thinking of ctb and ways to mess up their bodies. It feels like I have to put so much energy into not saying anything that will arose suspicions. Thank god it's a dry campus or I'd probably get trashed and say all kinds of things I shouldn't. I think on some level I'm just desperate to find people irl who feel the same as I do even though I know the chances are slim. It's tough having to keep a huge part of your life under wraps because you know no one around you is going to understand it. Being around normal people constantly makes me feel more alone than actually being by myself. It makes it so clear that I'm the odd one.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I feel you. Personally I have withdrawn from most social interactions in the last few days because I don't have the energy for it. I can't pretend anymore. It is mentally draining. You are definitely not alone!

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate!
I couldn't stand being surrounded by colleagues so now I only teach private english and spanish lessons and it rocks. It's only me and the students and even though some of them are normies, they behave like saints.

As for the rest of the people, I'm finally at peace because apart from my students, I only talk to my family and you; my dear SS fellows.

Wish you the best with normal people and hope things get tolerable at least! You can do this!

 

[lofticries]

Being with people in general is exhausting. I have a time limit to how long I can be in someone's presence. I'm never myself with others. My voice even changes.

 

[Into The Void]

I can be and even enjoy a high energy situations but I always need to recharge my mental batteries and take a good break, usually on the computer.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Normal people think I am just spontaneous or impulsive when in reality I do not make long term plans because I am actively trying to kill myself.

What is the point of thinking about tomorrow when you are trying to kill yourself today? No one knows that I am depressed or suicidal. To everyone I look like just a normal guy. I wonder how many of us are out there since it is almost impossible to tell.

 

[MindFog]

People always ask me why am do I always looks so tired. Kinda hard to tell them it's because of them.

Being around people has its positives, but sometimes it just makes me wanna snap and lock myself in a closet. It's suffocating.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I feel your pain. Masking and trying to put on a persona for other people consistently is one of the most emotionally draining things that exists. I can relate to everything you've said here, and I'm really sorry you have to hide your pain in order to fit in.

My university has me in a similar bind, where I am in a small cohort for the entire degree and they want us to become friends. I was so relieved that uni was online this year, because even the online teams meetings and such were giving me horrific anxiety. Sometimes I'd have to be on these meetings for 2-3 hours straight trying to put on a facade and not act autistic or anxious.

Thinking about in person uni next year makes me want to ctb so much. There are going to be some 3-4 hour straight experiments I have to do in the lab while working in groups on top of that. Not only am I physically ill, but I have to pretend like I'm not sick and that I'm also a major normie just like them. I can't do it.

I only have a couple years left, but those years are going to be heavy on this aspect of "team based learning". I am so lonely but I just can't stand faking and pretending a personality that isn't me in order to placate others, who would never do the same for me if the roles were reversed.

Whenever someone brings up their families and their perfect upper class lives I just have to stay quiet. If people knew that I didn't have parents and how horrible my life has been, they'd immediately outcast me even further than I already am, for being a downer.

 

[Solepurpose]

Normal people think I am just spontaneous or impulsive when in reality I do not make long term plans because I am actively trying to kill myself.

What is the point of thinking about tomorrow when you are trying to kill yourself today? No one knows that I am depressed or suicidal. To everyone I look like just a normal guy. I wonder how many of us are out there since it is almost impossible to tell.

I can relate to this soo much. People at my work doesn't notice anything. I am always "the happy one" but during my shifts I do research on suicide or trying to find ways to cope. It is torment everyday and mind/soul numbing and it is like living in hell every single day.
Ppl think I am funny cool and spontaneous when In real life I just want to sleep all the time. Surrounding myself with ppl is exhausting but I know the more I isolate
Myself the more likely I will ctb and that makes me scared.
Hugs to everyone out there! I KNOW how you feel! Trust me

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I don't enjoy the company of others, and I absolutely loathe dealing with people. Cracks in my mask are starting to reveal themselves, and I fear I won't be able to keep up the act for much longer. I'm becoming increasingly paranoid that others are talking about me behind my back, see me for an autistic freak, and will eventually find out that I'm neither interested nor invested in life. I tend to space out at times, and I only speak when I'm spoken to, which I believe make me seem distant and uncaring in their eyes. At gatherings where conversation topics mainly revolve around work and family, I stay quiet most of the time. Either I'm not interested, or that I lack life experience to provide any meaningful input, and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells whenever there's an elephant in the room. I have no friends in real life, yet I am not bothered in the slightest. Perhaps it's best for me to isolate myself completely from 'ordinary' folk.

 

[blue_muse]

Might sound petulant but I've learnt to just disengage and only talk when I want to, if that means looking aloof within my own would then so be it.