Atsushi.Ame
Member
- Dec 29, 2024
- 11
this is a vent about my personal life and a discussion about my experience on this website. its a long boring read that I dont expect anyone to shift through, but please know this: I hope you, yes you, find peace. however that may look like you. peace is a human right. thank you for contributing to the one place where i feel seen.
Stumbling across this website this year drastically shifted my worldview. I spent 3 days or so in January, during my winter break period (I work at a school) reading post after post on this forum and discussing my new perspective about death and suicide with a close friend. We had a really interesting philosophical debate about the right to die and the ways it could be realistically legally implemented.
In that moment, I even made the decision that no matter how bad my suffering gets, at this point in my life, I am not ready to go. If I was going to do it, it needed to be logical and not base it upon temporary suffering.
I have borderline personality disorder, suspected by my therapist at 16, finally put in my paperwork at 19. I suffer from monthly to bi-weekly suicidal episodes. Though I have done years of research, therapy and even tried medication to manage my disorder- I am faced with the news that it is indeed a chronic mental illness.
I don't really have a lot of people who understand me. I have built a great support system that cares and is willing to stick by me when things get tough and I am grateful for that, but no one I know really has felt my suffering before. It's isolating and it's borderline (hah) degrading.
I decided to talk to my boyfriend about my new perspective. He got very serious with me and completely rejected my ideas. He didn't necessarily force me away from this place, but moreso continued to advise against it until I complied.
I come here today, after 6-8 months or so and I miss that feeling I felt in January. Of feeling seen and understood. I want to continue to expand my perspective and finally feel like I belong.
I have turned 20 years old 7 days ago. Every day that passes by, I feel my soul actively dying. I know that is an over used phrase, but it genuinely feels like my human spirit is being crushed into nothing. I've felt this way since practically birth but I really started to notice it this past year or so.
I will have my moments where I will do a shroom trip with said close friend, I'll discover the wonders of mindfulness and play and dbt skill #271 and the "answer to all my problems!" but that too will fade and be clouded by the fact that I not only have a chronic illness but I feel my spirit, my soul, my humanity dying
I truly feel like I have exhausted my options. It no longer feels like I am a live, breathing human. I feel like an AI meant to feed others what they want to hear. An AI that learnt from birth exactly what to say and do to survive. At my job, I have learnt to predict my bosses next words. Do I genuinely agree with her on everything? FUCK NO. but I know exactly what shes going to say next and what she wants to hear. And it's funny because I used to PRIDE myself in this! I would use it as justification for why "I'm so good at my job"
What is it all for? What is truly the meaning and purpose behind being "good at my job" what is the COST. And it's not as simple as "get a new job." capitalism and nuance aside, this is a behavioral issue that will follow me. Wherever I go. And it's a behavior that bleeds and sucks the joy and whimsy out of every aspect of my life. My friendships, my family, my hobbies- it's all about being "good at it." fuck man, I feel like I am playing Persona 5 IRL. Engaging in a hobby is just "upping my stats" and talking to people is "gotta pick the right option for enough music notes!"
I have so many dreams, so many things that I want to do. But really, maybe it's just another thing for me to cling onto and hope will make me happy- just like everything else. "I'll finally be happy when I move out!" "I'll finally be happy when I get a cat." "I'll finally be happy when I go to work in the morning!" "I finally be happy when I come home in the afternoon."
My absolute favorite one- the one most hysterical but also crushing:
"When I turn 20, I'll finally be happy."
Well, I have been waiting since I was 10 years old. It's been a decade of the "age of happiness" being pushed back and pushed back.
No matter what "good things" happen in my life, I am just fundamentally unable to enjoy them.
It is a privilege to have a support system, a promising job, a promising future and all the things that "make life great". I understand I have people and children who rely on me. The decision will not be made without taking that into account.
But peace is a human right, and I am not at peace. I haven't been at peace for two decades and with my diagnosis, my suffering may never truly end. Therefore, today I reconsider the initial decision I took.
Thank you for reading and thank you for being apart of a community that I feel is extremely important for those whose suffering cannot be quelled.
Stumbling across this website this year drastically shifted my worldview. I spent 3 days or so in January, during my winter break period (I work at a school) reading post after post on this forum and discussing my new perspective about death and suicide with a close friend. We had a really interesting philosophical debate about the right to die and the ways it could be realistically legally implemented.
In that moment, I even made the decision that no matter how bad my suffering gets, at this point in my life, I am not ready to go. If I was going to do it, it needed to be logical and not base it upon temporary suffering.
I have borderline personality disorder, suspected by my therapist at 16, finally put in my paperwork at 19. I suffer from monthly to bi-weekly suicidal episodes. Though I have done years of research, therapy and even tried medication to manage my disorder- I am faced with the news that it is indeed a chronic mental illness.
I don't really have a lot of people who understand me. I have built a great support system that cares and is willing to stick by me when things get tough and I am grateful for that, but no one I know really has felt my suffering before. It's isolating and it's borderline (hah) degrading.
I decided to talk to my boyfriend about my new perspective. He got very serious with me and completely rejected my ideas. He didn't necessarily force me away from this place, but moreso continued to advise against it until I complied.
I come here today, after 6-8 months or so and I miss that feeling I felt in January. Of feeling seen and understood. I want to continue to expand my perspective and finally feel like I belong.
I have turned 20 years old 7 days ago. Every day that passes by, I feel my soul actively dying. I know that is an over used phrase, but it genuinely feels like my human spirit is being crushed into nothing. I've felt this way since practically birth but I really started to notice it this past year or so.
I will have my moments where I will do a shroom trip with said close friend, I'll discover the wonders of mindfulness and play and dbt skill #271 and the "answer to all my problems!" but that too will fade and be clouded by the fact that I not only have a chronic illness but I feel my spirit, my soul, my humanity dying
I truly feel like I have exhausted my options. It no longer feels like I am a live, breathing human. I feel like an AI meant to feed others what they want to hear. An AI that learnt from birth exactly what to say and do to survive. At my job, I have learnt to predict my bosses next words. Do I genuinely agree with her on everything? FUCK NO. but I know exactly what shes going to say next and what she wants to hear. And it's funny because I used to PRIDE myself in this! I would use it as justification for why "I'm so good at my job"
What is it all for? What is truly the meaning and purpose behind being "good at my job" what is the COST. And it's not as simple as "get a new job." capitalism and nuance aside, this is a behavioral issue that will follow me. Wherever I go. And it's a behavior that bleeds and sucks the joy and whimsy out of every aspect of my life. My friendships, my family, my hobbies- it's all about being "good at it." fuck man, I feel like I am playing Persona 5 IRL. Engaging in a hobby is just "upping my stats" and talking to people is "gotta pick the right option for enough music notes!"
I have so many dreams, so many things that I want to do. But really, maybe it's just another thing for me to cling onto and hope will make me happy- just like everything else. "I'll finally be happy when I move out!" "I'll finally be happy when I get a cat." "I'll finally be happy when I go to work in the morning!" "I finally be happy when I come home in the afternoon."
My absolute favorite one- the one most hysterical but also crushing:
"When I turn 20, I'll finally be happy."
Well, I have been waiting since I was 10 years old. It's been a decade of the "age of happiness" being pushed back and pushed back.
No matter what "good things" happen in my life, I am just fundamentally unable to enjoy them.
It is a privilege to have a support system, a promising job, a promising future and all the things that "make life great". I understand I have people and children who rely on me. The decision will not be made without taking that into account.
But peace is a human right, and I am not at peace. I haven't been at peace for two decades and with my diagnosis, my suffering may never truly end. Therefore, today I reconsider the initial decision I took.
Thank you for reading and thank you for being apart of a community that I feel is extremely important for those whose suffering cannot be quelled.
