Rocky M
I'm A Monster
- Jun 20, 2018
- 213
I texted my former friend Today just to chat, however, she texted me back this time. We haven't talked in a while. I told her how I was doing (with full honesty. I lie to almost every person I know about how I feel but this friend is NOT one of them) Much to my surprise, she said she was willing to try to help me, even after what I did to push her away. I didn't want help, but I listened to what she had to say, because I wanted to keep talking to her.
We talked for a while, and she ended the conversation with "I hate knowing you are hurting that bad to want to hurt yourself" and "I hope you get help soon."
Long story short, I don't know what to think anymore. I feel unsettled. I was at peace with death and then this happened. This person was the only one who made me feel like I was worth anything. Not even the rest of my soccer team would be able to singlehandedly talk me out of suicide temporarily, since I am still going to ctb in December regardless of what others try to tell me.
I don't know what to do. I feel guilty. The fact that my former friend managed to find some compassion for me makes me feel guilty for going, and in turn it makes me want to die even more, if that makes sense. She means the world to me, and as much as it hurts, I wanted to keep her in the dark about my passing. Now she will probably find out, and I'd hate for her to Blame herself . The last thing I want is for her to feel bad. I am a sick creature. I deserve to die.
I can't wait for December.
We talked for a while, and she ended the conversation with "I hate knowing you are hurting that bad to want to hurt yourself" and "I hope you get help soon."
Long story short, I don't know what to think anymore. I feel unsettled. I was at peace with death and then this happened. This person was the only one who made me feel like I was worth anything. Not even the rest of my soccer team would be able to singlehandedly talk me out of suicide temporarily, since I am still going to ctb in December regardless of what others try to tell me.
I don't know what to do. I feel guilty. The fact that my former friend managed to find some compassion for me makes me feel guilty for going, and in turn it makes me want to die even more, if that makes sense. She means the world to me, and as much as it hurts, I wanted to keep her in the dark about my passing. Now she will probably find out, and I'd hate for her to Blame herself . The last thing I want is for her to feel bad. I am a sick creature. I deserve to die.
I can't wait for December.
