I'm very sorry for be posting this here, But I don't know who else i can turn to.
It's been an year ever since i stopped. But before this, I had previous experience with practicing, Being a brown belt in Judo, practicing ever since i was a kid, While also having around 6 months of Muay Thai classes.
But last year was specially dark for me. My Nmom became a lot more violent, So one day, I kinda... Broke down mid training. And ever since that day, My fighting spirit just left me. Now i live in a state where if someone wants to fight me, I won't do anything. I won't raise my fists, I will not try to run, I'll just let him do whatever he wants without saying a word. I am unable to raise my own fists to defend myself anymore... Just like it was with my mom. My plans to learn how to better defend myself failed... I don't wanna do this "Self Defense" stuff anymore. I just want to let myself get hurt and die.
Anyway, A lot has happened between then and now, A lot changed, Some things for the better, But i do admit I am starting to miss practicing. I still engage in Martial Arts content for my stories. Hell, a friend of mine even asked me to write a fighting style for one of his OCs, Pretty much devise a moveset for them. A part of me still wants to- You can say "Mocap" this sort of thing for personal inspiration. But if i'm not there to fight or spar, Because everytime i stand in front of someone in training i feel like i need to kneel and let them kick me, Is there really a point?
I hope people who can better understand my circumstances will offer better advice on what I can do next. I tried asking this in a martial arts forum and they just told me to man up and check my testosterone... I don't wanna man up. I don't wanna get my testosterone checked. I just want to let someone do as they wish to me and hurt me as much as they want.
It's been an year ever since i stopped. But before this, I had previous experience with practicing, Being a brown belt in Judo, practicing ever since i was a kid, While also having around 6 months of Muay Thai classes.
But last year was specially dark for me. My Nmom became a lot more violent, So one day, I kinda... Broke down mid training. And ever since that day, My fighting spirit just left me. Now i live in a state where if someone wants to fight me, I won't do anything. I won't raise my fists, I will not try to run, I'll just let him do whatever he wants without saying a word. I am unable to raise my own fists to defend myself anymore... Just like it was with my mom. My plans to learn how to better defend myself failed... I don't wanna do this "Self Defense" stuff anymore. I just want to let myself get hurt and die.
Anyway, A lot has happened between then and now, A lot changed, Some things for the better, But i do admit I am starting to miss practicing. I still engage in Martial Arts content for my stories. Hell, a friend of mine even asked me to write a fighting style for one of his OCs, Pretty much devise a moveset for them. A part of me still wants to- You can say "Mocap" this sort of thing for personal inspiration. But if i'm not there to fight or spar, Because everytime i stand in front of someone in training i feel like i need to kneel and let them kick me, Is there really a point?
I hope people who can better understand my circumstances will offer better advice on what I can do next. I tried asking this in a martial arts forum and they just told me to man up and check my testosterone... I don't wanna man up. I don't wanna get my testosterone checked. I just want to let someone do as they wish to me and hurt me as much as they want.
