Can’t do this anymore.

[toughtimes100]

6 years ago my life was perfect. Due to work I suffered with stress and anxiety. Wrongly I trusted doctors and they have pumped me full of benzodiazepines and antidepressants. If only I had knew how damaging drugs were. The past 6 years have been hell. I've lost everything I worked so hard for. Due to Diazepam and Cymbalta I can now barely think. My whole body is burning. Dystonia. I have neuropathy throughout my whole body and can barely walk and can't feel my hands and feet. My vision is blurry and I'm in so much agony. Doctor stopped my diazepam abruptly as he said I wasn't dependent on them. I had only taken Cymbalta for 28 days but suffered from really bad muscle twitches so again i listened to the doctor and stopped them. Within 48 hours I had lost the plot. Severe AKATHISIA which I still have 13 months later. There is no way back from this hell. I've destroyed my marriage and even my kids are different to me. I've spent the past 13 months driving and setting up ropes for FSH but each time I just can't do it. I'm supposed to be going on holiday abroad next week but can't face it. 4 hours on a plane with Akathisia will be impossible. I'm riddled with guilt. My kids adore me and I adore them. The feeling of just walking out and CTB makes me feel ashamed of myself.
I just can't can't take this pain anymore. I will attempt tomorrow for about the 400 th time. I've been in the mental hospital and managed to talk myself out. I used to be so happy now I'm deformed. Depressed. Anhedonia and lost.
I've been on rail tracks. Bridges. Motorways. My SI is just too high.
No improvement in over 13 months. In fact it's worse than ever.
I just want this pain to stop.

 

[bankai]

Please stay alive for your kids. I'm OK with anyone other than parents catching the bus.

 

[toughtimes100]

Honestly I want to but the past 6 years have been hell but manageable. How the past year has destroyed me. My 2 eldest are moving out and my wife has already indicated that she's moving a hour away with my son. I've lost everything and I'm just a hindrance to them. I can't begin to imagine a lifetime feeling this way.

 

[DivineSpark]

Please stay alive for your kids. I'm OK with anyone other than parents catching the bus.

There is always reasons to stay alive. Family,friends, siblings, pets. Neverending list.

 

[bankai]

There is always reasons to stay alive. Family,friends, siblings, pets. Neverending list.

Sure, but then people just need to not have kids if they have issues. Don't have kids in the 1st place if you're struggling in some way. If you decided to bring kids anyway into this world. Then you need to grit your teeth and take care of them.

Family, friends, siblings, pets aren't really your responsibility. You didn't bring them into this world.

Kids are a very unique responsibility.

 

[DivineSpark]

Sure, but then people just need to not have kids if they have issues. Don't have kids in the 1st place if you're struggling in some way. If you decided to bring kids anyway into this world. Then you need to grit your teeth and take care of them.

Family, friends, siblings, pets aren't really your responsibility. You didn't bring them into this world.

Kids are a very unique responsibility.

Yeah, my mental health issues is reason why I am child free.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

Having a parent commit suicide is very stressful for the child. I think you should def not ctb if you're a parent.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really torturous, I'm sorry you have to suffer so unbearably, it's all just so cruel and horrible. But anyway I wish you the best.