Catholic Guilt

[Ariel1]

Anyone here Catholic? I was raised Catholic and recently started attending mass again. For a while it was really helping me feel like life had purpose. But my problems have not gone away or improved and I really can't see things getting better. I have a plan to ctb, but I do worry about going to hell or whatever. But I also can't believe that a loving God would have such little compassion and understanding. I also struggle because part of me believes we are all souls that chose to incarnate in a certain body for a certain purpose and killing myself will mean I won't accomplish whatever I was sent here to do. But realistically, I never leave my house and am miserable all the time so it's not like I'm gonna accomplish anything like this. My life has been such a waste. Anyone else feel like this?

 

[StupidCat]

Not a catholic, but a somewhat lukewarm christian.
It helped me to believe that even if I get to ctb as long as I have faith I'm saved.
Cause even though, suicide is a sin is not the greatest sin that will take your salvation away.
Helps to know also, whenever you have suicidal thoughts, they are demons poking you to sin. Try to cast them out in the name of the Lord.

 

[StarryEyed]

Anyone here Catholic? I was raised Catholic and recently started attending mass again. For a while it was really helping me feel like life had purpose. But my problems have not gone away or improved and I really can't see things getting better. I have a plan to ctb, but I do worry about going to hell or whatever. But I also can't believe that a loving God would have such little compassion and understanding. I also struggle because part of me believes we are all souls that chose to incarnate in a certain body for a certain purpose and killing myself will mean I won't accomplish whatever I was sent here to do. But realistically, I never leave my house and am miserable all the time so it's not like I'm gonna accomplish anything like this. My life has been such a waste. Anyone else feel like this?

Yes, I relate to everything you write. I am in and out of Catholicism. I too am often housebound due to illness. So I've learned to do stuff at home that gives me more of a sense of purpose and helps me connect to the world. Have you heard of Saint Therese de Lisieux? She inspires me. She was a French Catholic nun who inspired Mother Theresa. In fact, Mother Theresa took on the name Theresa when she became a nun in honour of Therese de Lisieux. So Therese de Lisieux's message (as with Mother Theresa) was the importance of love in the simplicity of life. That helps me live my simple life.

 

[Deleted account 549]

Hi! <3
I recently converted to Catholicism and understand how you feel. I think God is forgiving and knows a human heart can only take so much. He doesn't like to see his children suffer, he's fair and compassionate. I personally asked for forgiveness since I started planning it and I will keep asking for forgiveness until the very last minute I'm capable of. I will also pray the rosary on the day of my attempt.

 

[Ariel1]

Not a catholic, but a somewhat lukewarm christian.
It helped me to believe that even if I get to ctb as long as I have faith I'm saved.
Cause even though, suicide is a sin is not the greatest sin that will take your salvation away.
Helps to know also, whenever you have suicidal thoughts, they are demons poking you to sin. Try to cast them out in the name of the Lord.

I believe that, about the demons. The problem is, I have an illness and its unbearable to live with. If it were cured, I wouldn't want to kill myself. But I cant live like this. So even without demons poking me, I feel I have little choice. I've been holding on to hope that I would heal, but it hasn't and I'm feeling pretty hopeless and exhausted.

Hi! <3
I recently converted to Catholicism and understand how you feel. I think God is forgiving and knows a human heart can only take so much. He doesn't like to see his children suffer, he's fair and compassionate. I personally asked for forgiveness since I started planning it and I will keep asking for forgiveness until the very last minute I'm capable of. I will also pray the rosary on the day of my attempt.

I will ask for forgiveness. I don't know if I can bring myself to confess this to a priest though, I'd be too embarrassed.

Yes, I relate to everything you write. I am in and out of Catholicism. I too am often housebound due to illness. So I've learned to do stuff at home that gives me more of a sense of purpose and helps me connect to the world. Have you heard of Saint Therese de Lisieux? She inspires me. She was a French Catholic nun who inspired Mother Theresa. In fact, Mother Theresa took on the name Theresa when she became a nun in honour of Therese de Lisieux. So Therese de Lisieux's message (as with Mother Theresa) was the importance of love in the simplicity of life. That helps me live my simple life.

I'll look her up, thanks :) I've been trying to do things at home that give me purpose. I even wrote a book. But most days I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I just binge old TV shows and think about all my regrets. It's not living.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Hi. I am also Catholic. I also have issues with feeling guilty about my suicidal feelings. It is often difficult for me to attend mass by myself because I feel so horrible to the point of physically getting sick, but thankfully I have a couple of friends that I go with that helps make it a little bit easier.

I don't really think that suicide is a good thing. I don't know if I will be forgiven if I end up doing it. But I hope that I can be. I don't really want to die, but for the past 12 years or so of my life has been so painful for me. I am a very clingy person so most people do not like me, and I don't have a spouse or a family or an important job that I can really devote myself to. My life is so empty and pointless. I don't know how to live just for the sake of living.

I know some people are able to find comfort in the faith, and devoting their lives to it, but I don't think I can do that because whenever I really think a lot about that sort of thing it makes me crave death even more. I want this to end so much already. I want someone to tell me "it's okay, it's over now." I want to be comforted.

In all honesty though, I don't think I am a good enough person. I don't understand why my God would decide to save me instead of throwing me away. But I try to tell myself that they won't do that; that they love me and will do their best to save me.

Ultimately though, I really, really want to change. But I don't think I will be able to escape this part of myself in this life. I just don't have the level of support or the experiences that I think I would need. I don't even know what they could be. I've had people try to help before and it does not go well because I end up stressing them out and dragging their mood down. I'm a pretty depressing person. So, I guess I have to hope that maybe there will be some way for me to change on the other side, if I cannot do so in this life. I really want to change. I hate feeling like this. I hate how my anxiety is always dialed up to 11 over every little thing. I hate that I am not really a normal person. I don't want to be like this.

I think God is forgiving and knows a human heart can only take so much. He doesn't like to see his children suffer, he's fair and compassionate.

Essentially this. I do my best to believe that my God understands that I don't want this.

 

[StarryEyed]

Oh wow, what a lot of depth here! I can so relate to all the posts here, though I don't agree with everything.

Especially Pope Francis and now Pope Leo say we are all sinners, and the church is open to all sinners. They haven't specified suicidal sinners or euthanasia sinners as being included (to my knowledge). But the fact that they say "all" sinners means we're included. I mean that's one of the most basic of Jesus' teachings, with one of the most famous being when he told the crowd who wanted to stone a woman to death for adultery, "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.".... And they all left. And Jesus forgave her.

But I actually don't think either suicide or euthanasia are sins. It flies in the face of the Catholic teaching of God being a good father. So do you think if a person is in complete agony, beyond a bearable point of suffering, and they are barely hanging on by a thread, then they go to their father for comfort or advice that a good father would say, "You good for nothing piece of shit, may you burn forever and be tortured beyond belief in the bowels of hell"....? No of course a good father wouldn't say that. Thats preposterous IMO.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I am Catholic, and I dont really have an answer for this also. I have thought about this since I became ctbicidal. I said one mystery of Rosary prayers when I did ctb, and had a lenghtly talk explaining myself to the Bigman also.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Not a catholic but I suffer from severe clinical depression. It is a disease of my brain that may kill me. Surely God would understand that it couldn't be helped.

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

Not catholic, but non denominational Christian - I relate. It's a brutally painful internal battle.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I am a Catholic and yet I manage to feel zero guilt.

 

[Polyxo]

I don't know if I'm Christian, but I do believe that God is our father. And if we do CTB, he will welcome us back home in his arms. I truly believe that the notion that suicide is a sin was a ploy back in ancient times by the ruling class to keep the peasants, who supported the population by being farmers/working class, from ending their miserable lives.

God is forgiving. He is our father. I can only apologize for not making my life as great as he envisioned.

 

[StarryEyed]

@Ariel1, I'm interested in understanding when you said going to mass gave you purpose.

I'm meeting my doctor on Wednesday to see if I qualify for euthanasia. Lacking purpose is a huge part of my wanting to bow out of this world. I too am writing a book, but it will be finished soon.

 

[Pluto]

 

[GeminiButter]

I am a Catholic and yet I manage to feel zero guilt.

I feel the same

I don't know if it's a lifetime back and forth with Catholicism/christianity, I had a lot of years where I didn't have any faith, and then came back to it eventually, but haven't had much of a habit or routine of going to services for a bunch of reasons.

The only guilt I feel is for the people who will have to deal with my life and flat and stuff and horrible death admin after I've died. I do feel very guilty about that.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I think I know what you mean. Catholic convert here. I recently read "Dark Night of the Soul" by St. John of the Cross. It's a strange old incomplete book but basically discusses how the feelings you find all over this forum, are acceptable, normal, and part of an honest journey (my summary is not very good here, sorry). Our main religious symbol is Jesus crucified, which when I look at it is how I usually feel. Stuck, wounded, humiliated, mocked, helpless, failing, bleeding, beaten, dying. The brutal truth of what happened when God became one of us and entered our world. No wonder we're all so miserable here, no one should be surprised.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I lean more towards atheism but, I've had similar lines of thought. As in- if we need to remain alive to fulfil a purpose, what purpose could that be? Are there grand things we're supposed to be achieving? Discover the cure for Alzheimers? Create or invent something world changing? Even if it's smaller things. Help Mrs. Smith with her shopping on a Tuesday in July? Graduate with a first and make our parents proud, run a Sunday school?

What if we've already screwed up on this purpose we were supposed to have fulfilled? How likely is it someone crippled with disability or depression can even now fulfil their original potential? How many people do actually live spectacularly impactful lives anyway? Surely, the majority of us are just meat for the grinder? That's not to say we can't still try to live a good, kind, honest life but, why is waiting for natural death so crucial?

Say someone is terminally ill. What does God want them to do in the next months of suffering, other than to suffer- presumably with grace? Yikes- really? Seems sadistic to me.

That's the other problem I have really. I see no need for all that suffering. God's omnipotent supposedly. They didn't have to design things this way but, they still opted to do it. Therefore- even if the price may be high, I don't think I'm willing to stick around to be tortured by them.

 

[victim4]

I'm a Catholic, and I shed tears of repentance. I prayed that I would take any punishment for whatever sins I've made throughout my life. I told the Lord that I would accept if I was to be sent to the hell. However, it would be a torture for me if I had to live with all these abused damages, including brain damage and cancer, only to wait for a natural death. My entire life was horribly abused by demons and evil people.

 

[StarryEyed]

I too believe our thoughts and feelings are normal and healthy. At times I think those of us who are suicidal are more connected to ourselves and to reality than those who function well and who are not suicidal.

So here is a link to what I would call a blatant hate speech about people like us on this forum by the Catholic Church. This is from a very, very popular Catholic app and online source called "10 minutes with Jesus". It has a huge following globally and can be found in pretty much all the mainstream apps out there, and you can see the apps listed on the link I'll post. For those who don't know, every day Catholics around the world reflect on specific parts of the Bible called "readings". In this app, a Catholic priest gives a reflection on the day´s readings.

When you click the link, you will see several priests' audios. But in the app version, which I sometimes listen to (like today), there is only one reflection, which today is called "The Wet Rag Temptation." This is the first at the bottom in the online link that I'll post.

(Spoiler alert: According to this priest we are wet rags, we are party poopers, we want to be miserable, we choose to be miserable, we are sinners for feeling and thinking as we do, we do not want to be happy, we are not connected with Jesus and that is why we are not joyful, we are self-absorbed and we are uncharitable.)

It is unbelievable how in any shape or form this message could be construed as love for anyone. The dissemination of these hate speeches in the name of love by Catholic leaders and other religious leaders, as well as their followers, is unfuckingbelievable.

10 Minutes with Jesus – Reflections to spark prayer

10minuteswithjesus.org

 

[Ariel1]

@Ariel1, I'm interested in understanding when you said going to mass gave you purpose.

I'm meeting my doctor on Wednesday to see if I qualify for euthanasia. Lacking purpose is a huge part of my wanting to bow out of this world. I too am writing a book, but it will be finished soon.

Going to mass got me out of the house. I was housebound and pretty agoraphobic but I felt I needed to go to mass. It helped get rid of a dark oppressive energy that was looming over me. I prayed everyday and went to mass at least once a week. But then things got worse with my health (mental and physical) and I stopped going and praying for a while. Maybe I let the demons in because that dark oppression is coming back. I've gone back to mass a few times recently and felt better for a while, but my condition is just so hopeless and I feel like a hypocrite going to catholic church when Im planning on doing what I plan on doing.
I've though about euthanasia but don't think I would qualify. Though I hear they seem to be offering to everyone in Canada, so who knows…

 

[Darkover]

I also struggle because part of me believes we are all souls that chose to incarnate in a certain body for a certain purpose and killing myself will mean I won't accomplish whatever I was sent here to do.

There's no proof that we "chose" this life.

The belief that we choose to incarnate is common in certain spiritual or New Age circles, but it's just that — a belief. There's no empirical evidence that any soul chose this body, this life, or this suffering. If you're in a painful, trapped existence, it may feel offensive to suggest you "chose" it.

If a child is born into neglect, trauma, or poverty — are we to believe they chose that? If someone has mental illness, is that a "spiritual contract"? That belief can easily become a tool for self-blame.

So: you can question that belief. You're allowed to say, "No, I didn't sign up for this. I didn't ask to be here." That doesn't make you less spiritual — it makes you honest.

 

[Ariel1]

There's no proof that we "chose" this life.

The belief that we choose to incarnate is common in certain spiritual or New Age circles, but it's just that — a belief. There's no empirical evidence that any soul chose this body, this life, or this suffering. If you're in a painful, trapped existence, it may feel offensive to suggest you "chose" it.

If a child is born into neglect, trauma, or poverty — are we to believe they chose that? If someone has mental illness, is that a "spiritual contract"? That belief can easily become a tool for self-blame.

So: you can question that belief. You're allowed to say, "No, I didn't sign up for this. I didn't ask to be here." That doesn't make you less spiritual — it makes you honest.

Theres no scientific proof we have a soul, but I believe we do. Belief is all we have. I'm not saying we choose every harm and suffering in our life, but that we choose to incarnate with a purpose and we choose a body/family that we think will help us reach that purpose. Of course when we get here, we forget and thats where the trouble starts. But who knows.

 

[Darkover]

Theres no scientific proof we have a soul, but I believe we do. Belief is all we have. I'm not saying we choose every harm and suffering in our life, but that we choose to incarnate with a purpose and we choose a body/family that we think will help us reach that purpose. Of course when we get here, we forget and thats where the trouble starts. But who knows.

If you remember: it's evidence, it's not we forget when we're born, it's you're here because of biological reproduction, not soul contracts.
You were born into a certain family due to chance, not spiritual selection, believing you "chose" this life can offer comfort or meaning if you're struggling, it's not because you failed a soul mission — it's because life can be brutally hard, unfair, and painful.

Why would anyone choose to born into a family where they don't even have enough food to eat each day there's like a billion people in the world that go hungry each day

 

[Ariel1]

Do

If you remember: it's evidence, it's not we forget when we're born, it's you're here because of biological reproduction, not soul contracts.
You were born into a certain family due to chance, not spiritual selection, believing you "chose" this life can offer comfort or meaning if you're struggling, it's not because you failed a soul mission — it's because life can be brutally hard, unfair, and painful.

Why would anyone choose to born into a family where they don't even have enough food to eat each day there's like a billion people in the world that go hungry each day

I don't have all the answers, clearly, but I don't need to justify my beliefs. Who knows. The world's a shitty place, we probably are here to try to make it a bit better somehow.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

I recently converted to Catholicism

What was the conversion process like? I was baptized as a baby but never went through first communion so when I attend church I don't take the Eucharist and I fee at some point I should either commit or move on. I think I would have to go through the RCIA program.

 

[StarryEyed]

Going to mass got me out of the house. I was housebound and pretty agoraphobic but I felt I needed to go to mass. It helped get rid of a dark oppressive energy that was looming over me. I prayed everyday and went to mass at least once a week. But then things got worse with my health (mental and physical) and I stopped going and praying for a while. Maybe I let the demons in because that dark oppression is coming back. I've gone back to mass a few times recently and felt better for a while, but my condition is just so hopeless and I feel like a hypocrite going to catholic church when Im planning on doing what I plan on doing.
I've though about euthanasia but don't think I would qualify. Though I hear they seem to be offering to everyone in Canada, so who knows…

Good morning, Ariel.

Did you bring up the topic of euthanasia in Canada because you live in Canada, or because you think I live there? I lived there most of my life, but I'm living in Spain now.

For the same reason as you, I keep leaving the Catholic Church - that I feel like a hypocrite because I don't follow all their rules. But I see it as a good thing, as a sign of self-respect that I don't accept their rules of condemnation because they are often hateful rules, like in the sermon I posted yesterday. And according to them, all my friends and family are poisoned with sin and are going to hell. In fact, there is no person on the planet who could abide by all their rules. So they are saying now the Catholic Church is open to all sinners. But I don't think it's a very warm welcome to be subjected to hateful sermons. I still do follow many of the teachings of the Catholic Church, but I don't consider myself a Catholic currently.

If the purpose of you going to mass was to get out of the house, is there another place you can go to give you purpose to get out? Maybe sitting in a park or going to a MeetUp? There are lots of other things you can do outside your home, right? Or did you like going to mass because you felt connected to something bigger than you?

I listen to this song every morning and send it out to you and the other Christians here.

 

[Pale_Rider]

What was the conversion process like? I was baptized as a baby but never went through first communion so when I attend church I don't take the Eucharist and I fee at some point I should either commit or move on. I think I would have to go through the RCIA program.

I went to first communion, but not confirmation. I bet some priests would say you can go to communion. The main thing about communion is we should not be conscious of mortal sin. The exception to that is when we don't have access to confession, but resolve to go to confession as soon as possible. Thats my opinion.

 

[Ariel1]

I

Good morning, Ariel.

Did you bring up the topic of euthanasia in Canada because you live in Canada, or because you think I live there? I lived there most of my life, but I'm living in Spain now.

For the same reason as you, I keep leaving the Catholic Church - that I feel like a hypocrite because I don't follow all their rules. But I see it as a good thing, as a sign of self-respect that I don't accept their rules of condemnation because they are often hateful rules, like in the sermon I posted yesterday. And according to them, all my friends and family are poisoned with sin and are going to hell. In fact, there is no person on the planet who could abide by all their rules. So they are saying now the Catholic Church is open to all sinners. But I don't think it's a very warm welcome to be subjected to hateful sermons. I still do follow many of the teachings of the Catholic Church, but I don't consider myself a Catholic currently.

If the purpose of you going to mass was to get out of the house, is there another place you can go to give you purpose to get out? Maybe sitting in a park or going to a MeetUp? There are lots of other things you can do outside your home, right? Or did you like going to mass because you felt connected to something bigger than you?

I listen to this song every morning and send it out to you and the other Christians here.

I live in Canada. I like going to Mass. my Parish has some good pastors. I don't have to believe everything blindly to still enjoy going to mass. I feel closer to Jesus, even though I know he's everywhere.

 

[StarryEyed]

I

I live in Canada. I like going to Mass. my Parish has some good pastors. I don't have to believe everything blindly to still enjoy going to mass. I feel closer to Jesus, even though I know he's everywhere.

I'm confused. I thought you were saying in this thread that you don't go out anymore and that you don't enjoy mass because of the guilt you feel when you go. Sorry I misunderstood. Someone here in Spain recommended to me a while ago that if I want to talk about something uncomfortable, to go to another parish. Perhaps you could consider that, in discussing your suicidal thoughts?

You're quite right that I don't have to believe in everything blindly. There is so much about Catholicism that I love, and the hate speeches only belong to some of them. So the same way I'm complaining that some of the priests are hateful and prejudiced, it is just as wrong for me to be prejudiced against all priests based on some hateful priests.

I'm so lost here in Spain in the mass because my Spanish is very basic, so I don't understand what they're saying and so I can't connect deeply. And of course I can't talk to a priest because we can't understand each other. I have talked to them, but we can only do basic conversations. This pickle that I'm in needs deep discussion. So last night I contacted the order of priests I was in contact with in Canada for 25 years, up until a few years ago. I've asked to set up a few sessions of counselling. Hopefully they say yes!

What was the conversion process like? I was baptized as a baby but never went through first communion so when I attend church I don't take the Eucharist and I fee at some point I should either commit or move on. I think I would have to go through the RCIA program.

Maybe you can just ask a priest?

 

[EternalShore]

To begin with, from a Christian perspective, sewer slide is a sin as it is murdering oneself~ But even tho it may very well be the last thing a person does in their life, it is not described as an "unforgivable sin" that bars one from Heaven regardless of the possible impossibility of repenting of it~
From a Protestant perspective, one is saved by their faith in God, His sacrifice on the cross for our sins, and our doing our best to follow Him~ As such, we will trip, fall, and make mistakes (including perhaps, committing sewer slide)~ While we won't know who goes to Heaven for certain until we get there, people who commit sewer slide certainly aren't all doomed to Hell~ Those who have faith in God in spite of their struggles with sin will almost certainly go to Heaven as everyone struggles with it after all~ :)
I'm sure God understands that many times, it is the result of the despair, hopelessness, and pain one experiences in their life and things looking ever bleaker~ :)
I have nothing to back this up, but I plan on praying throughout the process of passing~ :)

I like @Little_Suzy's explanation for Catholic beliefs on sewer slide the best personally~ "The Catechism states, "Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide." This qualification does not make suicide a right action in any circumstance; however, it does make us realize that the person may not be totally culpable for the action because of various circumstances or personal conditions.

We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives."

For the same reason as you, I keep leaving the Catholic Church - that I feel like a hypocrite because I don't follow all their rules. But I see it as a good thing, as a sign of self-respect that I don't accept their rules of condemnation because they are often hateful rules, like in the sermon I posted yesterday. And according to them, all my friends and family are poisoned with sin and are going to hell. In fact, there is no person on the planet who could abide by all their rules. So they are saying now the Catholic Church is open to all sinners. But I don't think it's a very warm welcome to be subjected to hateful sermons. I still do follow many of the teachings of the Catholic Church, but I don't consider myself a Catholic currently.

I would very much recommend reading Romans 3 or at least, Romans 3:19-28. Within Christianity, everyone has sinned and falls short of what God wants us to be: perfect. No one has been able to live fully up to God except Jesus Christ because He is God~ As such, we deserve destruction, for that is the punishment for sin. It may not feel very good, and it may even feel hateful~ The Christian God is not hateful tho~ In fact, God loved us so much that He sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for our sins, so that if we have faith in Him, we may get to be with Him in Heaven~ :) even when we are Christians, we are still sinners~ however, through the power of the Holy Spirit, God guides us to become better people and followers of Him~ we still will mess up and won't be perfecet, but we can repent and do our best not to sin, and God will accept us for what we are as long as we have faith in Him~ :)
very simply, the Gospel message is: sin->Jesus died for us->redemption. even tho being exposed to our own sins may be uncomfy, it is important to recognize how we may do better~ :)
In regards to that sermon you brought up, admittedly, I didn't read it, however, there are entire books of the Bible dedicated to sorrow such as Lamentations and Job, so even tho joy may be a fruit, one may also go through times of sorrow as many people do here too~ :)

I'm confused. I thought you were saying in this thread that you don't go out anymore and that you don't enjoy mass because of the guilt you feel when you go. Sorry I misunderstood. Someone here in Spain recommended to me a while ago that if I want to talk about something uncomfortable, to go to another parish. Perhaps you could consider that, in discussing your suicidal thoughts?

You're quite right that I don't have to believe in everything blindly. There is so much about Catholicism that I love, and the hate speeches only belong to some of them. So the same way I'm complaining that some of the priests are hateful and prejudiced, it is just as wrong for me to be prejudiced against all priests based on some hateful priests.

I'm so lost here in Spain in the mass because my Spanish is very basic, so I don't understand what they're saying and so I can't connect deeply. And of course I can't talk to a priest because we can't understand each other. I have talked to them, but we can only do basic conversations. This pickle that I'm in needs deep discussion. So last night I contacted the order of priests I was in contact with in Canada for 25 years, up until a few years ago. I've asked to set up a few sessions of counselling. Hopefully they say yes!

hehe~ I hope you're able to talk to them and learn lots from them there! ^_^ you can always ask me or someone else who is Catholic here if you have questions too! :)

What was the conversion process like? I was baptized as a baby but never went through first communion so when I attend church I don't take the Eucharist and I fee at some point I should either commit or move on. I think I would have to go through the RCIA program.

while I would recommend continuing to learn more about the Catholic faith and deepening it (this does not necessarily have to be before you first commune tho), according to Catholic Answers, no, you do not need to go to RCIA to receive first communion given that you were already baptized Catholic. :)

Must I Go through RCIA to Join the Church If I Am Already Baptized?

RCIA is a class for converts who have not been initiated into the Church. Fallen-away Catholics do not need RCIA to rejoin the Church. Click to read more.

www.catholic.com