Dear Julius
Here I am again. Waking up in some strange new place wondering how I got here. It all feels so new and fresh. Like a world I've never known before. The colors are so vibrant. The smells are so distinct. It takes a minute for my senses to adjust to my surroundings. The colors fade into dreary, murky versions of themselves. Everything just feels so lackluster. Yeah this is the real world.
I raise myself up from the cold floor and look around at the depressing scene before me. I take it all in: the single lamp emitting its golden glow, the empty bottles scattered throughout the room, the lone man sitting at his desk with his head cradled in his hands. I inch forward to get a better look at him. I move from one side to the next to get a full picture of who he is. With hair unkempt and beard unmanaged, he maintains his slouched position. Faint sobs fill my ears like a beating drum, drawing me closer to him.
I notice a pen and paper lying in front of him like an omen of what's to come. Many more pieces of crumpled up paper lie beneath and around him, encircling and imprisoning him at his desk. So many mistakes made and tossed away. So many echoes of the truth in his mind gone with traces left behind showing the depth of his grief. All that is left to witness is two lonely words on a single page: "Dear Julius."
With one last sob he lifts his head from his palms. He turns towards me and his eyes widen. His face glistens in the golden light, drenched in his tears. I lose myself in the urge to wipe them and bring my hand towards his face. He leans back.
"Get out."
"I can't. Trust me, I've tried"
"Get out."
"I can't."
He stands from his chair and maneuvers to guide me towards the door. His palms caress my shoulders as he forces my steps. He opens the door with a swift motion and urges me out of it, shutting it as I exit. The world goes black and I am back where I started in the center of this dismal room. He turns back, eyes widening yet again at the sight of me as he inhales deeply.
"Wha- How-"
"I told you. I've tried."
His lips recede into his face as he paces across the floor. His hand meets his forehead as he tries to grasp the gravity of the situation he faces.
"You can't be here. You can't see me like this."
"How do you want me to see you then?"
"Better. Just better than this."
He pushes past me and reaches for a note among the many that cover the floor. He uncrumples it and begins to read it to himself. The tears return to him like an old friend, the only comfort he knows.
"Who is Julius?"
His head turns towards me, his brows furrowed as if questioning my need to ask. He sits back at his desk and uncrumples another note. This time instead of reading to himself he decides to read it to me.
"Dear Julius," A light whimper in his voice hides beneath his words. He pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath to collect himself. "Dear Julius, my heart cries out for you every moment that I go on without you. I feel the pain of losing you in everything I do. From the time I wake up to the moment I go to sleep I wonder where you are. Are you safe? Are you happy? Are you ok? All I am now is regret. How can I be more than that knowing the outcome of my actions? You deserved so much more than what I gave you. You deserved so much more from life. But now you are gone and I am here missing you. I love you with everything I am and I hope to see you soon. I only hope that when we meet again you can forgive me for what I have done and for what I am going to do."
His whimpers have now returned to full on sobs. I feel a pain in my heart as each word pours from him like a wave of sorrow. I only wish I could reach out to him and let him feel that I am near. I walk towards the desk and kneel down at his side.
"I'm sorry he's gone."
"I should be the one saying I'm sorry. It's my fault. All of it is my fault."
His hand creeps down to the bottom drawer. He opens it and I am met with something that rings familiar to me. The sleek, silvery exterior of a revolver barely touched by man. I wonder how long it's sat there waiting to be touched, waiting to be used. He grasps it tightly in his hand and along with it grabs six bullets, placing each in its designated chamber. For a moment, he gazes at the harbinger of death that weighs down his hand.
"Hold on. Please hold on."
"I've held on long enough. It's time for me to be with you."
"Julius wouldn't want this."
He lets out a slight chuckle. A smirk glides across his fast just as quickly as he brings his hand to his temple.
"
Julius doesn't want anything. He's dead. Anything he would've wanted went away with him when he died. He broke me and left me alone to put myself back together again. This is me fixing the situation."
"Please just talk to me. Please just hear me out. Let's talk."
Click.
