BeansOfRequirement
Man-child, loser, autistic, etc.
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,784
I've had some interesting "growth experiences" as of late, just wanted to vent and summarize my situation. Maybe someone in a similar spot will relate or something, but the main purpose is for me to get my thoughts collected.
When I was young me and this girl would stare at each-other from far away, and pretty often. We were in love with each-other but in a cute, shy sort of way. This went on for a good while before she sent her friend to ask me if I thought she was pretty. Despite being in love with her I answered that I thought she "looked ok", probably because of my attachment disorder and non-existent forethought, care or empathy. I wasn't very observant, but I believe she became depressed due to this. I wasn't really paying attention to girls except when I was trying to get IOIs by using body language and such to get dopamine hits for my own selfish pleasure. This was ten years ago. There were a few similar incidents involving girls that I really liked, and that liked me, being ignored by me, for no good reason at all- harming and depriving myself and the other without cause.
Fast forward a decade and I met someone. With time I had become very picky when it comes to who I could see myself falling in love with, keeping the grapes very sour as my attractiveness was in free-fall due to my diminishing mental health. I had set up criteria that would make even hearing about someone that fulfilled them extremely unlikely, to add to this I would obviously also not be good enough for such a person to want to spend time with. Anyway, turns out she existed and randomly struck up a conversation with me. At first I thought she was a man, then I thought she lived far away, and finally I experienced falling in love for the second time in my life.
She was never interested in me in the same way, and I guess I knew that all along. I still couldn't distract myself from her, I didn't have anything in my life that grabbed my attention or stole my time. I was sitting in a dark closet and suddenly a candle was lit. So I became attached, despite knowing that it was a very bad move. What did I have to lose? I was already on the brink of suicide, this could be something. With time her dispassionate neutrality towards me eventually started to become unsettling, I had a few emotional moments and in those moments of weakness I told her about how I felt, trying to coat it in some kind of humor or levity as best as I could- often failing.
I couldn't have a good conversation with her, my need was too strong. I couldn't provide her with anything, not even a funny joke here or there. I was completely useless.
Eventually I became too annoying for her, I know now what I did to that girl ten years ago. I never perceived it as a big deal, I barely ever thought about it.
I learned my lesson, now what?
When I was young me and this girl would stare at each-other from far away, and pretty often. We were in love with each-other but in a cute, shy sort of way. This went on for a good while before she sent her friend to ask me if I thought she was pretty. Despite being in love with her I answered that I thought she "looked ok", probably because of my attachment disorder and non-existent forethought, care or empathy. I wasn't very observant, but I believe she became depressed due to this. I wasn't really paying attention to girls except when I was trying to get IOIs by using body language and such to get dopamine hits for my own selfish pleasure. This was ten years ago. There were a few similar incidents involving girls that I really liked, and that liked me, being ignored by me, for no good reason at all- harming and depriving myself and the other without cause.
Fast forward a decade and I met someone. With time I had become very picky when it comes to who I could see myself falling in love with, keeping the grapes very sour as my attractiveness was in free-fall due to my diminishing mental health. I had set up criteria that would make even hearing about someone that fulfilled them extremely unlikely, to add to this I would obviously also not be good enough for such a person to want to spend time with. Anyway, turns out she existed and randomly struck up a conversation with me. At first I thought she was a man, then I thought she lived far away, and finally I experienced falling in love for the second time in my life.
She was never interested in me in the same way, and I guess I knew that all along. I still couldn't distract myself from her, I didn't have anything in my life that grabbed my attention or stole my time. I was sitting in a dark closet and suddenly a candle was lit. So I became attached, despite knowing that it was a very bad move. What did I have to lose? I was already on the brink of suicide, this could be something. With time her dispassionate neutrality towards me eventually started to become unsettling, I had a few emotional moments and in those moments of weakness I told her about how I felt, trying to coat it in some kind of humor or levity as best as I could- often failing.
I couldn't have a good conversation with her, my need was too strong. I couldn't provide her with anything, not even a funny joke here or there. I was completely useless.
Eventually I became too annoying for her, I know now what I did to that girl ten years ago. I never perceived it as a big deal, I barely ever thought about it.
I learned my lesson, now what?
