CTB back on the menu, frens

[derpyderpins]

It's been some time since I've legitimately considered ending it rather than just having fantasies and ideation. I think that time is coming.

I've given it a fair shot. Tried several different jobs, the meds, got a relationship to the finish line. . . it's not enough for someone as broken and useless as me.

I was up working until 5 AM. Now back at the office at 10:30 and I'll stay until 6:30. The thing is, what I was working on shouldn't have taken so much time, but even though I had billed about 20 hours on the project before last night, I'd probably actually done 2-3 hours of work, so I had to make up for it. I can't stay focused and maintain drive. I've shown it time and time again, and the world doesn't slow down or accomodate me.

I seriously don't think a single person understands the mental block I have and get. It's always okay for a few months but then I lose interest as the reality sets in that "succeeding" means doing the same repetitive bullshit for 50 years. What's the motivation? I'm just pushing myself to my limit to barely survive.

I've tried and tried. The balance of good to bad is just so lopsided. I've said it was worth it for my love, but I'm so tired I can't enjoy the time away from work. And that will always happen. There's no break, no rest, no relief on the horizon.

So, yeah, time to start more seriously considering it. If for no other reason as an act of defiance, telling this life 'you can't fire me, I quit!'

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

In my experience it's all or nothing in this world. If you can't keep up with the requested pace and hours you are done. It's sad that there's not enough variety of work options. It's either you work as everyone else or you get rejected and your only option is disability check. But not everyone is lucky enough to qualify for it

 

[Username1359751]

In my experience it's all or nothing in this world. If you can't keep up with the requested pace and hours you are done. It's sad that there's not enough variety of work options. It's either you work as everyone else or you get rejected and your only option is disability check. But not everyone is lucky enough to qualify for it

But you've been optimistic this week haven't you? Tried stimulants to focus? Hospitalization?

 

[derpyderpins]

But you've been optimistic this week haven't you? Tried stimulants to focus? Hospitalization?

Assuming you meant to respond to me: this was earlier last week. Funny enough before my car accident. I ended up feeling better later in the week.

 

[Username1359751]

Assuming you meant to respond to me: this was earlier last week. Funny enough before my car accident. I ended up feeling better later in the week.

Oh sure, think every post is about you...

Yeah whoops. It was meant for you. I noticed it was posted on Tues, almost a week ago. So yeah I was confused and hoped you weren't just faking/masking all week I remember having ac probs. Idk if you're a renter but you have rights! That shit has to be fixed. Just having to ride for appts last year with a weirdo woman driver who I didn't have the balls to have her turn up the ac, was enough hell for me. I would bring a frozen water bottle and put it in a pillowcase behind my neck, or freeze water in a ziploc bag and lay it in a pillowcase across my legs or behind my back. Ridiculous what passive people will do because their anxiety rules them... only when pushed can they do something. Sad.

 

[Traveller12724]

Okay so if the job is the only issue, then if you can't find excitement in it, why don't you try finding the excitement outside the job and just use the job to finance whatever excitement you can find outside the job, whether it's hobbies, women, or whatever, there surely must be something that excites outside the job

 

[derpyderpins]

Oh sure, think every post is about you...

Yeah whoops. It was meant for you. I noticed it was posted on Tues, almost a week ago. So yeah I was confused and hoped you weren't just faking/masking all week I remember having ac probs. Idk if you're a renter but you have rights! That shit has to be fixed. Just having to ride for appts last year with a weirdo woman driver who I didn't have the balls to have her turn up the ac, was enough hell for me. I would bring a frozen water bottle and put it in a pillowcase behind my neck, or freeze water in a ziploc bag and lay it in a pillowcase across my legs or behind my back. Ridiculous what passive people will do because their anxiety rules them... only when pushed can they do something. Sad.

AC working again as of yesterday, thankfully. Lessons for first-time homeowners lol.

 

[R. A.]

How are things a bit over a year later?

 

[derpyderpins]

How are things a bit over a year later?

Simple answer is that the first half of this year has definitely been less bad.

Last year around the time of this post was really dark. My friend had died, at some point I got in a car accident while feeling overworked - might have been just after this post, actually - my (now) wife and I were stressed with wedding planning and moving and had the only real tension we've had in 5+ years together, and I was trying to connect with someone on here as an outlet and right when I could've really used support that blew up in an ugly way (also right around this post, I think, but after. So this post wasn't even the bottom.)

The second half of the year was better: wedding went well, job stabilized, married life is overall excellent in comparison.

I've been really struggling these past few weeks. A lot of the stuff in this post still rings true. But, revisiting, it's important to keep a long memory. "It can always get worse" isn't only a negative statement: I want to remember that it has been worse, so I know improvement is possible.

Since that post I've been exploring inwardly a lot more. I'm doing "well" at work from a traditional success standpoint, but that doesn't hold much weight for me. I'm researching and meditating on life and philosophy. While I resent work because it gets in the way of that, I'm in a better place overall. I am still really damn tired, though.

 

[wham311]

It's been some time since I've legitimately considered ending it rather than just having fantasies and ideation. I think that time is coming.

I've given it a fair shot. Tried several different jobs, the meds, got a relationship to the finish line. . . it's not enough for someone as broken and useless as me.

I was up working until 5 AM. Now back at the office at 10:30 and I'll stay until 6:30. The thing is, what I was working on shouldn't have taken so much time, but even though I had billed about 20 hours on the project before last night, I'd probably actually done 2-3 hours of work, so I had to make up for it. I can't stay focused and maintain drive. I've shown it time and time again, and the world doesn't slow down or accomodate me.

I seriously don't think a single person understands the mental block I have and get. It's always okay for a few months but then I lose interest as the reality sets in that "succeeding" means doing the same repetitive bullshit for 50 years. What's the motivation? I'm just pushing myself to my limit to barely survive.

I've tried and tried. The balance of good to bad is just so lopsided. I've said it was worth it for my love, but I'm so tired I can't enjoy the time away from work. And that will always happen. There's no break, no rest, no relief on the horizon.

So, yeah, time to start more seriously considering it. If for no other reason as an act of defiance, telling this life 'you can't fire me, I quit!'

I have done this with every job since I was 18. I am 38. The one job I could handle is gone.
I relate