LackOfDetermination
Nothing Without Determination.
- Sep 2, 2025
- 16
I was originally gonna put this in offtopic, because it was way more lighthearted when I first thought it up, but while writing, quickly spiraled into, well, a vent on how my depression has affected me, though I still hesitate to call myself depressed, since way different from when I was younger, I don't really feel sad these days, just empty.
I've been caffeine free for half a year now, but broke my streak a few days ago, since I miss the taste and have barely any food at the moment, so I'm pretty hyper and a billion times more talkative than usual, so sorry if this comes across like a crackhead's rant with the focus of an unmedicated 13 year old with ADHD in school.
Anywhooo, Today's post is about my hobbies and interests, specifically electronics and gaming. I've always hesitated to put effort into anything because of a little voice in the back of my head that repeatedly tells me that I'm wasting my effort on things that do not matter, but I usually do them anyway, though the thought always lessens my enjoyment.
I like to mess with my laptop, having immense enjoyment while doing so, even (or maybe even especially because) knowing one mistake could brick my only source of entertainment. I try to get everything I can out of my potato pc, to the point I went from barely being able to play minecraft with 10 chunks render and sim distance with 15fps to being able to load 30 chunks with 50fps, and even get similar results with extremely modded versions like ATM10.
However, the second I finish, after all the trial and error, and slight jumpscares from bluescreens and crashes during my attempts to overclock, undervolt, and generally just mess with BIOS settings that are usually not recommended to be messed with, with barely any research (other than what they do) I always receive a split second of immense joy before I feel empty. Almost like post nut clarity, I immediately feel shitty, like I not only wasted my time, but even can not enjoy things for several minutes to hours afterward. Like a switch, the second that brief euphoria of completing a task that I not only enjoyed but was difficult fades, my brain immediately makes that depresso mode go on full blast, and no matter what I do next, I am incapable of enjoying it. I feel bored, even by my favorite things, and can only muster the energy to sleep. Even reading, something I am legitimately addicted to (can't go a day without doing it, or I am similarly incapable of enjoying anything), becomes a boring task that I can't muster the energy for. Of course, I can always power through it as I get immersed in a story, though it's several times harder than other times.
Now, I'm going to leave it here, since anything else is a bit too much for me as the caffeine "high" has faded and the motivation to write this out has with it, but please tell me your stories/experiences with this, or if I'm just weird for experiencing this lol
I've been caffeine free for half a year now, but broke my streak a few days ago, since I miss the taste and have barely any food at the moment, so I'm pretty hyper and a billion times more talkative than usual, so sorry if this comes across like a crackhead's rant with the focus of an unmedicated 13 year old with ADHD in school.
Anywhooo, Today's post is about my hobbies and interests, specifically electronics and gaming. I've always hesitated to put effort into anything because of a little voice in the back of my head that repeatedly tells me that I'm wasting my effort on things that do not matter, but I usually do them anyway, though the thought always lessens my enjoyment.
I like to mess with my laptop, having immense enjoyment while doing so, even (or maybe even especially because) knowing one mistake could brick my only source of entertainment. I try to get everything I can out of my potato pc, to the point I went from barely being able to play minecraft with 10 chunks render and sim distance with 15fps to being able to load 30 chunks with 50fps, and even get similar results with extremely modded versions like ATM10.
However, the second I finish, after all the trial and error, and slight jumpscares from bluescreens and crashes during my attempts to overclock, undervolt, and generally just mess with BIOS settings that are usually not recommended to be messed with, with barely any research (other than what they do) I always receive a split second of immense joy before I feel empty. Almost like post nut clarity, I immediately feel shitty, like I not only wasted my time, but even can not enjoy things for several minutes to hours afterward. Like a switch, the second that brief euphoria of completing a task that I not only enjoyed but was difficult fades, my brain immediately makes that depresso mode go on full blast, and no matter what I do next, I am incapable of enjoying it. I feel bored, even by my favorite things, and can only muster the energy to sleep. Even reading, something I am legitimately addicted to (can't go a day without doing it, or I am similarly incapable of enjoying anything), becomes a boring task that I can't muster the energy for. Of course, I can always power through it as I get immersed in a story, though it's several times harder than other times.
Now, I'm going to leave it here, since anything else is a bit too much for me as the caffeine "high" has faded and the motivation to write this out has with it, but please tell me your stories/experiences with this, or if I'm just weird for experiencing this lol
