Venting Do I deserve it?

[flightlessbutterfly]

My mother has a drinking problem.

Everytime she drinks, she gets into this.. State where I have no idea if she's being genuine about all the hurtful shit she says to my brother and I. She says that I've never attempted to ctb, so I am just fine. That I should stop being so selfish, and that I'd never get anywhere without them. It's shit like this that sends me spiralling back into the mindset I had when shit like this first started happening.

Sometimes it's hard, because I keep telling myself that my parents were decent parents, that they never truly hurt me or my brother.

Then shit like this forces me to harshly reality check myself.

Then, I just, stop. And the spiralling comes back, I wonder whether or not I'm being dramatic, that I shouldn't complain, I start doubting all of my newfound confidence, passion, and determination to be better, to enjoy spending time with my friends. Every time I take a step out into recovery, I get shoved back in.

In a way, this little situation makes me doubt that I deserve to be happy. Because I've never really struggled, my desire to die is passive. I've come close to harming myself from multiple occasions, but every time I've forced myself away from that edge. But even then, I've never done it.

So, yeah. Right now, I don't think I deserve to be happy and safe.

 

[-Link-]

I wonder whether or not I'm being dramatic, that I shouldn't complain

Well, you're on a suicide forum where you're two years into membership, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and surmise this isn't a matter of you being "dramatic" and that whatever issues you've got going on, they're very real, and anyone else who was in your position would experience similar feelings and self-doubts.

Try to avoid buying into the rantings of someone in a drunken state. At best, it's a distorted reality that lacks necessary context. At worst, it's reckless belligerence and abuse. Your mother needs her own psychological help, needs to do some self-reflecting of her own, and needs to better-consider other people's perspectives and struggles.

I start doubting all of my newfound confidence, passion, and determination to be better, to enjoy spending time with my friends. Every time I take a step out into recovery, I get shoved back in.

You get shoved back in, but you keep coming back out. This is resilience and perseverance.

When we're going through rough patches or setbacks, it can be easy to forget about the gains we've actually made.

You've been able to find confidence, passion, and determination to be better, and you've found yourself enjoying time with friends. What does that look like to you? What does that feel like? What are some specific occasions or things you've done that have instilled this thinking in you?

Something I'd suggest is keeping a journal or a 'log of recovery' where you record evidence of your progress. A few examples: something you did that would have been difficult or impossible a few months prior; something you handled better than you would have in the past; a challenge you overcame; something you've done that highlights a personal strength; kind or encouraging words people have spoken to you; positive reinforcement you've felt from other people; occasions where you felt supported or understood by others.

With this, you'd be able to read back on actual evidence of what you've accomplished -- reminders of how you've been able to move forward and how far you've come, even if it feels less-than in the moment. This sort of thing can sometimes help towards overcoming those recovery setbacks.

Right now, I don't think I deserve to be happy and safe.

I've been in your situation... or something very close to it...

Personally, I've never bought into the idea of "deserving to be happy". But I was able to buy into the idea of "deserving to not suffer". So, if you truly believe you "don't deserve to be happy", then I hope you can at least believe you don't deserve this abuse from your mother (or anyone else) and that you don't deserve the suffering brought on by your own inner demons.