Story Do I even deserve to die?

[musicistheonlything]

I want to ctb, but sitting here at my desk reloading YouTube for the 100th time I started to wonder if I really deserved to die. Just to clarify, I've always seen suicide as my salvation, it's kinda the endpoint that I'm always looking towards in my life. Nothing in my life is fun or fulfilling, I have no friends, nobody I can call "truly close," no job, no life, and the one person who I felt understood me is dying in the room across my door. Ctb was sort of like a vacation I was looking forward to once I reached the breaking point, the same way a kid looks at summer break. But now I think my self-hatred has overloaded to the point where I don't even want that for myself anymore.
Over the past couple of years, I've kinda realized that I just absolute despise what I've become. The second voice in my head that's been leading me my whole life, who's been always there reminding me of how disgusting I am(just to clarify, this is something I want and welcome, it isn't like some mental illness that I can't control), is beginning to tell me that maybe I just deserve to keep burning in this living hell of a world.
I 100% did not expect myself to turn out this way, I never thought that I could hate myself to the point where my suicidal thoughts looped backwards on itself. Thinking about it makes me laugh, cause this is a whole new layer of mindfuck that I've reached.
This isn't any kind of discussion thing, I just wanted to let my thoughts out(it's my first post on this site, haha).
I do wonder if any one of you out there have ever felt this way though + why you guys decided to join this community/decide to ctb in general.

Thanks much.

 

[halfwaydown2]

No one can take this freedom from you. If you truly want to die, of course you can. I felt just like you before I went to Beachy Head (cliffs in southern England), wondering whether I would actually be allowed to die, or be damned to stay here. But once I went to Beachy Head and literally felt the freedom I never knew I had, with no one being able to stop me if I just jumped right here and now, my outlook changed. I didn't jump (obviously), but just the knowledge that I'm here by choice and that I keep fighting by choice has made life a little easier to endure. Beachy Head isn't going anywhere, and if I once again feel like I can't take it anymore, I'll just go back and face the same decision (jump or not) again.

I also made a post about this back then: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-went-to-beachy-head-last-week-it-helped-a-lot.99033/

 

[Forever Sleep]

What do you think you would need to do or go through in order to feel worthy enough of peace? It sounds a bit similar to religious thinking in a way- that we are supposed to suffer. That we're not allowed to decide when we've had enough. It must be hard to live with- I'm sorry. Not that I'm saying you should get over it in order to do it by the way- it's just an interesting way to think- and upsetting I imagine.

Personally- I'm still here because I don't want to hurt other people. But as an overall concept- I don't think the right of autonomy- including the right to die needs to be 'earnt'.

I think a lot comes down to beliefs. If you feel like there is a genuine need to suffer- some lesson you need to learn, something you need to atone for- some will of God or a creator to put you through all this- then, I guess it makes sense to accept it.

Otherwise, I think maybe you could ask yourself why you feel like this. I don't know- the desire to be punished or that you should in fact suffer. Still- the actual act of dieing is unlikely to be a picnic for any of us! I'm not exactly looking forward to it as a pleasurable thing to do. Executing ourselves is a form of punishment in my eyes- I'm not looking forward to the pain or the fear. Death itself may be a reward- so long as it is nothing and not some afterlife that's even worse. Achieving it seems pretty difficult though.

 

[NoIdeaForAUsername]

I want to ctb, but sitting here at my desk reloading YouTube for the 100th time I started to wonder if I really deserved to die. Just to clarify, I've always seen suicide as my salvation, it's kinda the endpoint that I'm always looking towards in my life. Nothing in my life is fun or fulfilling, I have no friends, nobody I can call "truly close," no job, no life, and the one person who I felt understood me is dying in the room across my door. Ctb was sort of like a vacation I was looking forward to once I reached the breaking point, the same way a kid looks at summer break. But now I think my self-hatred has overloaded to the point where I don't even want that for myself anymore.
Over the past couple of years, I've kinda realized that I just absolute despise what I've become. The second voice in my head that's been leading me my whole life, who's been always there reminding me of how disgusting I am(just to clarify, this is something I want and welcome, it isn't like some mental illness that I can't control), is beginning to tell me that maybe I just deserve to keep burning in this living hell of a world.
I 100% did not expect myself to turn out this way, I never thought that I could hate myself to the point where my suicidal thoughts looped backwards on itself. Thinking about it makes me laugh, cause this is a whole new layer of mindfuck that I've reached.
This isn't any kind of discussion thing, I just wanted to let my thoughts out(it's my first post on this site, haha).
I do wonder if any one of you out there have ever felt this way though + why you guys decided to join this community/decide to ctb in general.

Thanks much.

if you still there we can play games together and hang out on discord