Discussion Do i want to ctb or just attention

[iloveunicorns]

Hello all

I've been trying to ctb all my life but never succeeded, i'd always be rescued, no matter how hard i tried not to be rescued, ensured that im home alone, jumped from a really high end to a running river, etc, i'd always be rescued

This time i want to to it right

But i dont know if i really want to die or i just want attention

Did i get used to be rescued to the extent that i no longer really want to kms?

I'm now assessing things to make the decision, i just need some guidance on how to assess if i should stay or i should go

Ik that no one cares if i live or die, i just need to be sure to myself that whatever the decision i'd make that it would be genuine

Lately i've been trying to pause trying to ctb and give life one more chance as there is someone who loves me and whom i think i really love

But my bpd and depression is getting in the way of everything that's good in my life, my deranged head keeps interpreting the awfulness in every damn thing

I got released from my job that i worked so hard for for the past 4 years

I need to assess things and take the decision ASAP cause that wondering phase is burdening me and it's not letting me either live peacefully nor die unconcernedly

 

[Regen]

Wow, that is very thoughtful and courageous that you are willing to look at this point.

The first thing I want to say is leave out the word "just" attention. Every person has a vital need for survival, that someone pays attention to them, that they are seen, loved, and helped for who they really are. Every person wants to be seen and recognized in their true colors. Anyone who thinks that they have to attempt suicide or self-harm so that someone can see them and care about them is not just looking for attention, they are feeling really bad and are missing something very important in their life. And you try desperately to get these essentials in all possible ways. There is so much pain, fear and suffering behind it.

For my part, I then consciously try to empathize with the idea that I am dead and there is simply nothing left. No influence, no knowledge, no way to change anything about the fact that I'm completely out and irrelevant forever. Then I try to imagine what it would feel like if I survived. What do I want, how people treat me, what need is behind it, what would be my absolute dream scenario (even if it is perhaps totally unrealistic). And then I can feel deep down inside what it's about, what's behind it.

 

[iloveunicorns]

Wow, that is very thoughtful and courageous that you are willing to look at this point.

The first thing I want to say is leave out the word "just" attention. Every person has a vital need for survival, that someone pays attention to them, that they are seen, loved, and helped for who they really are. Every person wants to be seen and recognized in their true colors. Anyone who thinks that they have to attempt suicide or self-harm so that someone can see them and care about them is not just looking for attention, they are feeling really bad and are missing something very important in their life. And you try desperately to get these essentials in all possible ways. There is so much pain, fear and suffering behind it.

For my part, I then consciously try to empathize with the idea that I am dead and there is simply nothing left. No influence, no knowledge, no way to change anything about the fact that I'm completely out and irrelevant forever. Then I try to imagine what it would feel like if I survived. What do I want, how people treat me, what need is behind it, what would be my absolute dream scenario (even if it is perhaps totally unrealistic). And then I can feel deep down inside what it's about, what's behind it.

Thank you so much for sharing with me how you'd assess and view it. It really helped. I will give this approach a piece of my mind and try to implement it in a way and see the outcome.

It's really hard to decide.

Especially that my best friend died to SN method few months ago

Am i just influenced? But I was attempting ctb all my life even before she was my best friend

Do i just want to be seen and when i find that i'd then want to live?

He loves me but my ill nature never allows me to see love from the first place

i could be seen, but what about the past that haunts me, what about the intense body dysmorphia, what about my recurrent awful thoughts about myself, what about the intense shame and guilt i feel 24/7, what about the discomfort i feel just being in my own head, what about the disappointments i made, what about being a lost cause, what about losing the job i worked so hard for, what about the friendships i never had the chance to enjoy its presence cause i fail to maintain stable bonds, what about the perfect love stories i ruined because i just cant seem to let myself enjoy anything, what about the many times everyone would tell me "stop this way of thinking" "stop feeling that way" and i just cant help it, what about the fact that no matter how changes i made into being "better" and "stable" i'd always feel like im losing it all again like i build a wall just to let it fall down

idk if i'd be able to live though these burdens

i just hope smth would enlighten me into deciding whether i should keep trying or just end this suffering

 

[Regen]

Yes, it's also really hard to live with a very difficult head in which chaos and critical voices reign far too often.

I am convinced that healing is possible. Healing in the sense that you no longer have permanent psychological pain, you don't always have these very critical voices inside you and you can live in significantly more peace, harmony and true love with yourself and your environment and you have found a path of hope.

But sometimes you no longer have the strength to take the path to healing until you finally achieve success. For me it took years and decades. It was worth it. But it could just as easily have been that I died in one of the many attempts. And it could also be the case that things happen in the future that cause my life to end in suicide.

Whatever you decide and why you decide it - it's okay.

However, I still feel hope in you. And the potential for change. Therefore, I sincerely wish you enough strength, courage and hope to continue exploring the path to healing. Nobody knows how long it will take to change, maybe for you it will happen faster than decades. But as I said, I understand both decisions very well, I just think it's super important to be aware. Which you do. Follow your highest excitement. And see where it takes you. And then follow your deepest inner feeling again. Our deep inner core is whole and knows where the right path is just for you

 

[iloveunicorns]

Yes, it's also really hard to live with a very difficult head in which chaos and critical voices reign far too often.

I am convinced that healing is possible. Healing in the sense that you no longer have permanent psychological pain, you don't always have these very critical voices inside you and you can live in significantly more peace, harmony and true love with yourself and your environment and you have found a path of hope.

But sometimes you no longer have the strength to take the path to healing until you finally achieve success. For me it took years and decades. It was worth it. But it could just as easily have been that I died in one of the many attempts. And it could also be the case that things happen in the future that cause my life to end in suicide.

Whatever you decide and why you decide it - it's okay.

However, I still feel hope in you. And the potential for change. Therefore, I sincerely wish you enough strength, courage and hope to continue exploring the path to healing. Nobody knows how long it will take to change, maybe for you it will happen faster than decades. But as I said, I understand both decisions very well, I just think it's super important to be aware. Which you do. Follow your highest excitement. And see where it takes you. And then follow your deepest inner feeling again. Our deep inner core is whole and knows where the right path is just for you

You got to my very core, really indeed i thank you
Can i decide a temp decision?
Like saying smth like "i'll decide to live for now" And see how it goes? And i could decide otherwise later? Is that okay?
like i decide to live for now and wait for i could be in another mental state in few months or so that might be more certain about either living or dying and if i was certain about living then my decision will no longer be temp or if i was certain about dying i could then do it without being hesitant?

i wouldn't be betraying that part of me that is always eager to die and has this written end to my life?
i wouldn't be betraying my best friend?
idk why im eager to do it soon

the part where you said "For me it took years and decades. It was worth it. But it could just as easily have been that I died in one of the many attempts. And it could also be the case that things happen in the future that cause my life to end in suicide.

Whatever you decide and why you decide it - it's okay."
it really inspired me to borrow this approach

 

[Death is my goal]

I'd say attention if you get rescued that much, you didn't get into detail in how you got rescued

 

[Regen]

Oh, thank you so much for your kind words! That means much to me.

Well, I think in the end you always just decide for the moment, because nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. When I got over my addiction to self-harm, I sometimes just decided to do it for the next hour or put it off for an hour. And then another hour. And another hour. And many small moments change something.

I was only able to make peace with suicide when I decided to stop fighting this dark fascination within me. I visualized suicide as a friend. I told him: you remain my friend, we have known each other for so long, you can sit here next to me on the couch if you want. But I already know your ideas, next year I will listen to other people's ideas and try them out. That was my turning point. Suicide will always be a part of me. Maybe I'll die from it. Maybe not. It doesn't matter, both are okay. I don't lose if I kill myself. I'm not a failure if I don't do it.

My next goal is to perhaps sit down with other inner parts of myself. Maybe of fear. The shame. Of guilt. The inner critic. But I let it come to me and go slow. Otherwise the critical voice in your head will become so overwhelmingly loud again.

There are such wonderful free videos on YouTube for healing.

I wish you love.