Venting Doctor appointment rescheduled

[Jdieiejdjaow]

All I want is to get off the meds I'm on so I can transition. Why is the healthcare system so dysfunctional? I really hate politicians that promise investments in public services while offering tax cuts and the people who fall for the bullshit.

I've to wait until next week now.

Meanwhile, I'm completing my kit. Hose cutter is on its way and the regulator order has been placed today.

I hope I'm not under surveillance from my first attempt. Probably not and I'm just a bit paranoid.

Also, the nightmares keep fucking happening. I hate my C-PTSD.

 

[pauly369]

Sorry youre going through that shit.
CPTSD is fucking terrible.
Ive got it from being abused as a kid.
The nightmares and automatic negative thoughts never truly go away.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Update: they refused to take me off the medication but bullshit me around that "I've capacity" (what's with this in the West?).

They'll send a report to my GP. Can only imagine my GP going berserker about it.



I'm unsure what to do. Should I simply stop? That's what my doctor in the psych ward did with me had no effects (the doctor I just saw kept insisting that not enough time have passed for me to see any effects).

Fuck it. I'll just stop taking them. Tomorrow I'll give the meds I still have to a pharmacy for destruction.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Tried abruptly stopping taking the medication. Couldn't sleep. I still have a few months worth of meds. Will use that until I run out or I have all I need for N2.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Doctor called me today and asked if we can meet 1:1 next week. I said yes. I don't think she'll agree to wean me off the meds, but I'm keeping a sliver of hope she might agree.

Don't know what's the procedure to stop the meds. Take one pill every couple of days then enlarge that?

Let's see what she'll say next week.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Should I tell her I have no desire to live anymore?

She's going to try to convince me otherwise. And she'll do it knowing (or maybe in ignorance) there's no short to medium term solution to my circumstances. And who lasts 30 years in abuse after a lifetime of abuse? Not me .

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Decided that I'll call to cancel the appointment. There's no sense in continuing. She'll just try to convince me to stay on the medication.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Left a voicemail to cancel my appointment.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

No call from my doctor. Hope she got the memo and didn't try.

I slept without taking my medication. Was easier this time without the abuser in the room. I'll destroy the meds today at the pharmacy. Feeling good despite getting less hours of what I usually need when it comes to sleep.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

I'm such a people pleaser today when I gave my meds to be destroyed to the pharmacist, she asked for €5. I was taken by surprise as in the past it wasn't needed. When I asked her since when she said from a month or so ago. She asked if that's fine with me. Couldn't even say no and just throw the meds in the bin outside. Anyhow. No more meds. I hope in a few weeks my SI will diminish. And I also hope I'll be able to get some hours of sleep every night. Tough when the abuser is in the room.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Can't sleep when I'm on no meds and the abuser is in the room. Have to use an emergency gp now and get the risperidone from a pharmacy.

I think I shouldn't have destroyed the meds and keep using them until I had everything ready and then get off meds and wait 1 month for symptoms to kick in and SI to go away as much as possible.

I think I'll do this and schedule an appointment with my normal GP tomorrow to get 3 months worth of anti psychotic.
No pharmacy open at this hour.

I'll just have to lie in bed and hope to get sleep.
No pharmacy open at this hour.

I'll just have to lie in bed and hope to fall asleep.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Slept for 3 - 4 hours. I feel exhausted. Today I'll call my GP and ask for a prescription for my meds to be sent to the pharmacist.

Will also go to the police to inquire about my case regarding shelter manager stealing money from me.
I don't know how I'll be able to transition.

I need to be off meds for at least 1 month. 2 weeks to start getting the effects. But without being able to sleep, I'll die of exhaustion.

If I take the meds, then I have si. And will abort my second attempt.