sugarb
thief of silent dreams
- Jun 14, 2024
- 796
I started dating a girl I met online about 5 months ago and we've had a fairly happy/healthy/stable LDR ever since, probably the best relationship either of us has had. She's roughly my age and has similar disorders, so we get along great. Plus, she's very cute. We've talked about meeting IRL; it's a long drive, but potentially feasible.
Trouble is, I plan on CTBing. I've had the idea for a long time, but over the last 3-4 months it's more or less been set in stone.
I told her about my ideation a while back. More recently I confessed my actual planning.
Rough transcript:
Me: Remember how I said I was suicidal?
Her: Yes?
M: I no longer plan on living past age 25.
H: If you plan to kill your self at a specific age, it'll only hurt us both
M: That was my second point
H: Though, I don't mind dying together.
M: I love and care about you a lot, and I feel like I have the capacity to take care of you and make you happier, but I've considered breaking up with you because I know I'm leaving eventually and I worry I'll hurt you somehow.
H: Knowing that our brains work the same way really brings me up
H: If you would rather us break up because you're afraid then I would not mind because I feel the same
H: But I would rather not have us both die hurting because we left the one we care about because we were scared of hurting each other
H: I want to die with you but if you plan to kill yourself before 25 it will only make me die sad
H: I'm trying my hardest not to kill myself because I want to stay with you but if this is how you want to be then I will respect it
We talked more and eventually compromised, saying we could go together after we meet and share a kiss.
Only- I don't really want to die with her, or anyone for that matter. I don't want to kiss anyone. My plan is to go alone- a gunshot on a windy day, listening to music I love.
I care about her and hope she finds happiness- she's sweet and funny and I don't want her to be lonely or cling to someone abusive like she has previously. Making her feel good makes me feel good, albeit briefly. She's already had a very difficult life, SHing since like 12 and experiencing all kinds of trauma. She's really kind and gentle to me- I've been able to tell her things I couldn't tell anyone else- and she'll probably stick with me as long as she can. I'm one of just a few people who treats her well.
I'm probably not going to be CTBing this year or the next unless I get lucky, and having each other gives us both some comfort, but- I don't like the lying. I lie to enough people already and I've probably laid the groundwork to damage her with just the one. Though, as she said- she's had similar thoughts. Who knows, maybe she's on here asking the same questions.
So- should I just stay with her until we naturally drift apart or the time comes? Break it off now? Tell her my actual plans? I don't know what to do. I want us both to be happy.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Trouble is, I plan on CTBing. I've had the idea for a long time, but over the last 3-4 months it's more or less been set in stone.
I told her about my ideation a while back. More recently I confessed my actual planning.
Rough transcript:
Me: Remember how I said I was suicidal?
Her: Yes?
M: I no longer plan on living past age 25.
H: If you plan to kill your self at a specific age, it'll only hurt us both
M: That was my second point
H: Though, I don't mind dying together.
M: I love and care about you a lot, and I feel like I have the capacity to take care of you and make you happier, but I've considered breaking up with you because I know I'm leaving eventually and I worry I'll hurt you somehow.
H: Knowing that our brains work the same way really brings me up
H: If you would rather us break up because you're afraid then I would not mind because I feel the same
H: But I would rather not have us both die hurting because we left the one we care about because we were scared of hurting each other
H: I want to die with you but if you plan to kill yourself before 25 it will only make me die sad
H: I'm trying my hardest not to kill myself because I want to stay with you but if this is how you want to be then I will respect it
We talked more and eventually compromised, saying we could go together after we meet and share a kiss.
Only- I don't really want to die with her, or anyone for that matter. I don't want to kiss anyone. My plan is to go alone- a gunshot on a windy day, listening to music I love.
I care about her and hope she finds happiness- she's sweet and funny and I don't want her to be lonely or cling to someone abusive like she has previously. Making her feel good makes me feel good, albeit briefly. She's already had a very difficult life, SHing since like 12 and experiencing all kinds of trauma. She's really kind and gentle to me- I've been able to tell her things I couldn't tell anyone else- and she'll probably stick with me as long as she can. I'm one of just a few people who treats her well.
I'm probably not going to be CTBing this year or the next unless I get lucky, and having each other gives us both some comfort, but- I don't like the lying. I lie to enough people already and I've probably laid the groundwork to damage her with just the one. Though, as she said- she's had similar thoughts. Who knows, maybe she's on here asking the same questions.
So- should I just stay with her until we naturally drift apart or the time comes? Break it off now? Tell her my actual plans? I don't know what to do. I want us both to be happy.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
