Venting don't want to live but don't want to kill myself

[monetpompo]

yuurrrp....
​

What I hate the most is the weird aimless feeling I have. It'd be better if I found a reason to stop logging in, but I don't. I wake up and I just kind of regret it because I don't feel like my existence is good enough to keep going. I feel guilty often that I'm not talented or interested in anything when I get depressed. I feel a little better and my suicidal thoughts have subsided a little, but I still feel like making plans towards my suicide anyway. I guess because I've gotten this far. I don't have stuff that I'm meaning to do or things I'm looking forward to do. For the past 2 months I've just sort of had this looming feeling that I'm going to die soon or that I "need" to die soon. My birthday in April is what made me start feeling like this. It made me feel like everyone forgot about me when it came and passed. Since the year started I haven't really had anyone I've been able to spend time with irl, and that's kind of the main thing that keeps me sane. I can't function on my own so I pretty much spiral by instinct when I feel unwanted. This year is just so much different than last year. My friends aren't around and I haven't been able to make new friends, and for some reason I don't even like anyone around me. Why can't I just be normal and make friends like I want to? Why am I so weird all the time? Even when people do like talking to me irl, I keep my distance unless I "feel" like they actually want to talk to me. You know what I mean by that. Like someone's actually interested in you instead of only talking to you because they're bored. The vague feeling that you can't hold a full length conversation with them.

What I keep thinking is that I would feel better if one day, I just didn't wake up. It would all be solved and all go away. I wouldn't have to work on my insecurities and I wouldn't worry about having to keep up with people. I wouldn't worry about getting old or getting fat since I have such an awful diet. What I hate the most about this feeling is how much it makes me feel like a kid. Teachers from high school told me that it'll get better eventually and people on the suicide hotline tell me to practice coping mechanisms. It'll get better, wait it out, just calm down. It makes me feel like I'm not smart enough to make decisions on my own, since I'm still young and I haven't lived enough. Everything just seems messed up. Everything's expensive, my parents don't care about me, and being broke means I have to go to debt to go to university so that I can contribute something to society. I just have this looming idea that I'm "meant" to die if I'm not contributing anything to society, even if that's not right. I just don't want to keep being worthless to the people around me. I want to stop disappointing everyone by having no drive to do anything. I'm just like, "I could keep planning my suicide instead", and that makes me sound like a deadbeat.

When my suicidal thoughts were more aggressive I'd just talk about wanting to vomit and yell or wanting to receive punishment for not mattering to anyone, but it's weird to be calmer now. I'm not as self-destructive and I don't wanna rip out my hair like crazy because everything is so awful and bad. My mental health cycled back to a more typical apathetic mood. I feel guilty for being like this. I guess no one's mood stays the exact same and you can have some days where you don't feel bad. Normal people would say it's good to have "good" days, but it makes sense to feel guilty that you have them when you expect yourself to be depressed. A part of me thinks I don't deserve to feel okay.