Dose one ever stop being suicidal?

[Maormer]

I've been suicidal on some level for almost a decade, sometimes actively but usually passively. It ls been years but it never went away even in my happiest moments, and I was genuinely happy in those moments. I know recovery is possible but do the thoughts ever go away? Will I have to live with that urge and craving my whole life?

It's not even just the thoughts but the mindset too. I feel like suicide has permanently rewired my brain. I can't image a future anymore even when I'm happy. The idea that I might make it to 70,50, even 25 feels so absurd to me, I can't think of the future as a thing that exists for me anymore. I've never since then had any real will to live. Even at my happiest I felt as though I was ready to die, excited even. Ever since then I've been looking forward to death and I hate that about myself.

I just don't know how long I can keep on this cycle. I feel like there's no way it will ever go away. I'm stuck with this forever. I cannot imagine a future where I don't just end up right back with a rope around my neck and it's only a matter of time until an attempt succeeds. I need to get better, I don't want to ruin my sisters wedding so I need to live but it feels so impossible

 

[loser4ever4life]

Wondering this myself. When I was a teenager (few years ago) I was certain I wouldn't see 18, now I'm certain I wont see 23. I'm just shocked that I've made it here and yet am in the same place still?

Plus I read stories in reddit in which suicide survivors talk about how after their attempt they wonder if it was a good thing they made it back or the thought process between multiple events. Some say while they were never suicidal again, they were still very depressed

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

For me it's come and gone, been suicidal for more of my life than not. I've had good moments in life, and horrible ones, but I try to keep myself looking forward for anything to keep me going. I've never "stopped" being suicidal in the sense that the thoughts 100% vanished, but times like what I'm going through right now it drops to about 5-10%, and for me that's enough to fight it off for a little bit longer.

Some people who it worse than others, so my experience is not gospel.