Story dream about committing with sn

[exhaustedanonymous]

as the title says, i had a dream about committing suicide with sn last night. this is the first dream i've had in weeks that wasn't about my ex s/o, so i'm not sure if i should be taking this as a message from the universe or anything.. anyways, here's what i remember from it, it was pretty trippy though:

in the dream i felt as though i had just failed a previous attempt at a partial hanging because for some reason i was thinking about how it felt to hang myself and when i looked in the mirror i had a bruise around my neck (i've never hung myself in real life. my previous suicide attempts were either od or drowning). when i have dreams they normally have multiple "plotlines" happening simultaneously so something about me talking with someone else was going on but then all of the plotlines merged into one and i was standing hunched over the sink of my old house (i moved a couple months ago) staring in the mirror. my lips were a weird brown and the lighting was off so i couldn't really tell my skin tone that well but my lips were definitely brown with a sort of blueish tint and my skin was also an off shade with a blue-ish vibe too it. i remember trying to wash my nose out because i felt like i couldnt breathe before realizing it wasnt because my nose was blocked it was just that the oxygen wasnt making it.

the thing that's the most crazy though is in the dream i wasn't panicking or scared or trying to fight it or anything, i just met my own eyes in the mirror, realized that i was dying, and then studied my face for the signs of a sn overdose to see if they would really happen which is why i can describe it properly. i could feel that weird not being able to breathe no matter how much you inhale sensation but i wasn't scared at all, just a weird morbid curiosity of what was happening to me and a cold, numb, "this is it" feeling. i woke up before i "died" i think though, since i was staring at myself standing and i don't think i fell or collapsed or anything like that. it was uncomfortable but 'painless' and aside from a impulse terror i wasn't scared

i know this is all what my brain has imagined the experience to be like off of what it's heard described but if attempting is really going to go anything like how i felt in the dream i'm completely soothed. it felt almost good, even, the sort of relief in the "this is the end"-ness of it.

i'm not spiritual, but i wonder if this is the universe trying to comfort me. maybe it is the right thing to do like how i've been thinking all along.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can never remember my dreams this vividly, but I guess that it makes sense dreaming about a suicide method if suicide is what is always on one's mind during the day.

 

[releasespieces]

It does sound like you might have found the right decision for you if you found comfort in the experience.

I've often heard the little voice in my head say its alright to drink the salt and find peace, but it's an ongoing internal battle for me. Sometimes I like to think it comes from the energy that lives in all things acknowledging my pain and suffering. Often times however, I really think it's just an internal debate that sides with allowing me to make the decision to end it all.

Maybe we externalize some form of being granted permission by a deity or something similar so we don't have to feel responsible for the choice to die by our own hand.

Either way, as long as it feels peaceful I think it's a sign that its okay to let go, regardless of the true source of confirmation.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

I can never remember my dreams this vividly, but I guess that it makes sense dreaming about a suicide method if suicide is what is always on one's mind during the day.

ive always been a very vivid dreamer, i don't know why. i'm also one of the people who can sometimes "realize" they're in a dream and start 'controlling' it, i think me starting to study my face for the sn symptoms was probably some level of that (?)

It does sound like you might have found the right decision for you if you found comfort in the experience.

yeah. i think today might be my officially letting go day. if my subconscious is already fantasizing about it then.. i don't know. i feel calmer then i used too. i think things will be okay when i drink it; i just have to wait for it to get here. like i said, if i really will feel the way i felt in that dream then i know everything will be okay when i commit

Maybe we externalize some form of being granted permission by a deity or something similar so we don't have to feel responsible for the choice to die by our own hand.

I think so, too. I think the "universe" i think about getting permission from is just my layers of subconscious internalizing things. I also idolize my ex s/o and since she said that she wouldnt really care if i killed myself now i think i have her permission too. so in terms of permission, i have everyones. mine subconsciously, hers, and mine again but literally. great! it's so nice i've had to live this long just to suffer! this is so pointless, LMFAO. if my attempt at 11 had succeeded i wouldnt need to be here right now