Emotional cocktail

[XKZyn]

Back in 2022 one of my good friends killed himself using pills. I often think of him and old memories from our middle school days, I feel like shit due to how I pushed the pain aside and still do. I don't control this numbing shit and it's been years since ive felt like I could control it. I miss him and his brother so much but I can't bring myself to speak with his older brother too often because I'm always reminded of how we all used to play games or the nights spent over with each other, walking around town and laughing at stupid shit. Sitting behind their parent's shed and smoking on top of the four-wheeler. The night where him and I got rather close but stopped before it went too far, I still have mixed feelings on that since I think I must've loved/liked him at the time but didn't know or understand it and still don't. I feel like shit. I saw all the signs and didn't do anything because I always thought that if they had issues, he'd come to me and speak about it. That my door is always open to him. He had a habit of deleting messages so I couldn't respond properly sometimes since I'd only see a portion of the message before it's deleted. I saw so many signs, only tried speaking to him a few times about it but was brushed off. I miss him and those times a lot. I try not to cry since it's annoying when I feel overwhelmed but I still occasionally have dreams with him in them. I remember one dream where he was sleeping on my bed and relaxing, I tried to wake him up saying "get up, we gotta go. Your brother's on the way, get up." But he wouldn't get up at all. It felt so overwhelming all the sudden when the dream shifted. Like I knew what this was. I started bawling my eyes out and hugging him saying things like "just get up, come back to me. Please get up. I can't do this without you guys, don't leave. Please." I remember begging for him to stay and to come back. I remember waking up in tears and in panic. I still feel a lump in my throat when I think about it too much, that strange shock in my hands. That feeling of wanting to grab a knife and bury it into my wrist and go back to cutting. I miss him so much, I feel like shit since I can barely talk to his older brother nowadays. I miss walking up to him from behind and wrapping my arms around his neck, leaning on him and messing with him. Miss his shit eating grin and cheeky responses. I'm tired. So tired. It all doubles when I remember what I said one night when I was breaking down and feeling like everything was coming undone again. I said to my friend who was trying to comfort me "Maybe he had the right of it, maybe this life isn't worth it at all. Maybe he was right." When I remember that I end up feeling immense regret and disgust for myself for even saying that. I wish I had spoken up and said more, reached out more, tried more, did something, fucking anything. Literally anything. Anything. Instead I chose to sit back and think my friends would talk to me if they needed to talk, thought they all knew I'm available to speak like they're some fucking mind readers. This regret eats me up inside like all my other regrets and guilt.