Venting emotionally abusive relationship

[hybridtheory]

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship with my boyfriend, I'm really not sure what to do. He makes me feel like if I ever breakup with him then I'll have nothing and won't be able to take care of myself, I keep dealing with the same bull shit every day thinking it'll get better. I don't think it will, I just keep trying to deal with it and I tell myself it's not as bad as I think it is. I don't know how to handle this, has anyone dealt with this before??

 

[nothingleft]

I haven't, but it sounds like you realize this relationship is unhealthy and it's best for you to leave. Are you afraid for your safety if you end it?

 

[hybridtheory]

I haven't, but it sounds like you realize this relationship is unhealthy and it's best for you to leave. Are you afraid for your safety if you end it?

I've tried ending it before, but he made me feel super guilty and wouldn't stop getting drunk and telling me he's miserable and his life is awful without me. He got into a huge bar fight after I broke up with him and was basically screwing up everything to make me feel bad for him. I just felt like I had no other choice but to get back together with him..

 

[nothingleft]

I get what you're saying. It sounds like he's really manipulating you emotionally to stay with him. But this is your life and your happiness is important too. I've learned through experience that you really can't change other people, and if they want to become a better person that's on them. I think you have good instincts to want out of this. What he does as a result of you leaving him is his choice, but you should never feel like a prisoner.

I don't know your story but I imagine you came onto this website like most of us because you feel hopeless and stuck in a bad place. Freeing yourself from this relationship could be a good chance to see how much better life can get.

 

[HitchHiker]

nothingleft is spot on. He's manipulating you and yes it's emotional abuse.

Get out of there lovely x

 

[hybridtheory]

I get what you're saying. It sounds like he's really manipulating you emotionally to stay with him. But this is your life and your happiness is important too. I've learned through experience that you really can't change other people, and if they want to become a better person that's on them. I think you have good instincts to want out of this. What he does as a result of you leaving him is his choice, but you should never feel like a prisoner.

I don't know your story but I imagine you came onto this website like most of us because you feel hopeless and stuck in a bad place. Freeing yourself from this relationship could be a good chance to see how much better life can get.

Thank you so much.
I'm honestly just really afraid of being alone if I do breakup up with him. I have no friends at all, and he's basically the only person I have. When I'm officially away from him I feel like it's going to push me closer to ctb. So i'm just having a tough time deciding on which is worse.

nothingleft is spot on. He's manipulating you and yes it's emotional abuse.

Get out of there lovely x

thank you, I needed second opinions because I really wasn't sure if it was emotional abuse.

I will try the best I can

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

Thank you so much.
I'm honestly just really afraid of being alone if I do breakup up with him. I have no friends at all, and he's basically the only person I have. When I'm officially away from him I feel like it's going to push me closer to ctb. So i'm just having a tough time deciding on which is worse.

thank you, I needed second opinions because I really wasn't sure if it was emotional abuse.

I will try the best I can

I can relate to not having any friends (not many at least). I've never been in a relationship so I don't really know if I can give good advice.

 

[nothingleft]

Thank you so much.
I'm honestly just really afraid of being alone if I do breakup up with him. I have no friends at all, and he's basically the only person I have. When I'm officially away from him I feel like it's going to push me closer to ctb. So i'm just having a tough time deciding on which is worse.

thank you, I needed second opinions because I really wasn't sure if it was emotional abuse.

I will try the best I can

Good for you. Seriously. I hope it works out. Let us know, if you want to.

 

[woxihuanni]

You will hear enough about it being abusive and the need to walk away.

Just chiming in to say, most relationships are terrible in one way or another, so do ask yourself if you truly want out or not, rather than thinking in terms of shoulds. Good luck.

 

[oopswronglife]

The pain of being alone is less than the pain of being abused. It's a story as old as time. Anytime you choose to spend time around someone abusive and harmful you devalue yourself even if you don't believe so. You deserve a lot more than that...your value is much higher than that. Nearly everything in life is easier said than done...we've all hung on a little too long out of emotional baggage...but I have never met someone who got free and years later thought "I really should have stayed with that horrible partner, family, doctor" etc.

I have posted this quote more than once..and probably botch it a little...but the poet Maya Angelou said once "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Good people don't abuse others and we all know what it feels like when someone is doing it. We just get stuck in the idea of what we WANT them to be and as you said...fear being alone. People don't cheat once...hit you once...gaslight you once. People who do that will do it again and nobody who is worth your love would do it ever. Take back your power and switch them off. Treat them like an angry customer yelling at a retail job. Detach emotionally. Walk away and ignore their drama. It's so freeing once you realise you have the power to do this and it works in situations big and small.

The only real mistake I can see you have made is getting rid of Kristen. It nearly made me put you on the ignore list ;)

 

[Futility]

If you look up stuff like Gaslighting, NPD, Blame Shifting, guilt tripping and finally "wheel of domestic abuse" - You will get lots of hits for multiple types of abuse on a neat chart.

Many abusers make sure their victims don't have any friends, because they count on having complete control of them, many people who are abused end up coming back to their abusers simply because they have nowhere else to go plus a fair bit of Stockholm syndrome.

The fact you're asking questions is actually a really good sign, it shows you're about ready to break free of his clutches. Keep pushing, nobody deserves to be abused, even if you're struggling enough to be in a place such as this.

 

[hybridtheory]

@ everyone that's commented recently

you guys are the best, I'm so thankful for all of this support. I've never had people be so nice to me and it means so much. Thank you for all of your advice, I'm going to try to find a way out of this relationship. I don't think I can handle it much longer.

xx love you all

 

[hybridtheory]

So .... he broke up with me tonight.

 

[Futility]

So .... he broke up with me tonight.

I honestly think he did you a favor there, you didn't deserve what he was putting you through, not one bit.

Remember to cut him off anything he has access to, like Amazon accounts, joint bank accounts, get off co signed leases etc, just so he can't mess you up.

 

[oopswronglife]

I honestly think he did you a favor there, you didn't deserve what he was putting you through, not one bit.

Yeah see this as a blessing not a negative. Just don't let him try and suck you back in. You know he is not good for you. Steel yourself and ignore/block/resist. You got this.

 

[hybridtheory]

@Futility @oopswronglife thank you, both of you. It means a lot to have your support and help on this.

 

[Futility]

@Futility @oopswronglife thank you, both of you. It means a lot to have your support and help on this.

You're so very welcome.
And please, if he should ever become the slightest bit threatening, even if he starts threatening suicide himself, don't fall for it, just order a health check from the non emergency line for the police, because it will just be another attempt at manipulation. Don't delete any messages either, whether it be voicemail, email or texts, it can be used as proof to get a restraining order.
Seek a domestic violence shelter if you feel threatened, I don't want anything to happen to you that you don't want to happen yourself.
Dv shelters can often help you get on section 8, legal aid, good pro-bono attorneys, crisis therapy, gift cards for female hygiene and underwear as well as food etc.
I am of course assuming you're American, I apologize if it is different where you are at.

 

[Mixo]

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship with my boyfriend, I'm really not sure what to do. He makes me feel like if I ever breakup with him then I'll have nothing and won't be able to take care of myself, I keep dealing with the same bull shit every day thinking it'll get better. I don't think it will, I just keep trying to deal with it and I tell myself it's not as bad as I think it is. I don't know how to handle this, has anyone dealt with this before??

I'm also in an emotionally abusive relationship with my significant other. I'm tormented every day as a result, in top of the other chronic problems that weigh me down on a daily basis. It is sucking the life out of me because he has serious mental health issues, abandonment/insecurity issues, trauma, and we just cannot ever have a civil disagreement. It always has to amount to chaos, threats, and him threatening to kill himself. I feel crushed by the relationship and am not above ending my life so I don't have to be trapped in it anymore.

 

[Lamebrain]

Hey guys, or anyone new checking this thread out; https://www.loveisrespect.org/

It's a useful site I think. I was trapped for 9 years, and only found out about ^ after the fact (of course!) But yeah, I hope it helps. It covers everything already mentioned here and then some.