odradek
Mage
- Sep 16, 2021
- 557
It's weird that I can never shake this feeling of emptiness. I've lived a full life on paper. Up until a year ago I would have seemed fairly accomplished and worldly based on appearances and demeanor. However, for as long as I can remember, I've been completely hollow. It's this unshakable emptiness. It's maddening really. I've sought out many different experiences in my life. I've traveled across my home country as a volunteer. I've traveled the world and witnessed its many faces as a backpacker. I've had fleeting relationships that have always meant more to the other person than they have to myself. Yet despite all this I've always been lacking. I've always felt like an alien, not because I was seen as some weirdo, or was unable to function in this world. I felt like that but I was never seen like that. I've felt this way because I don't think I'm a proper human. I can mimic one, put on the performance, but it's always been just that, a performance. I've always felt like an observer in some sense, not a participant in this world. I also believe I've had suicidal ideation since I was very young and I think this may have also warped my development, among other things. Being empty with a constant desire to disappear, quite literally, has been my life experience.
Before May last year, or more accurately, before the pandemic started last year. I had a job I enjoyed and could sustain myself with. I was at the peak of my career, the height of my powers, so to speak. Then in May I blew it all up. I came to the realization of the hollowness of my life. I recognized how meaningless it all was and how unlikely it was to ever improve. I quit my job and began planning my suicide. I was desperate to escape this misery of waking emptiness. I sought the nothingness of death. How naive I was in thinking my desperation would lead to a simple conclusion. I was very confident at that moment. I was convinced I would be able to carry it out no problem and I had savings which granted me time to figure it out. I've had four suicide attempts since then and have yet to follow through. Now I'm here completely broke and still broken, still empty. I spent a lot of the summer during last year drinking whiskey, smoking weed and thinking about suicide. I wasted so much money. I was very emotional and manic. It was different from my usual state. That should have been a red flag for myself, the emotional state.
I'm back to my default state and worse off than ever. My financial situation is a disaster, I've alienated or abandoned (or both) all meaningful connections in my life. And now I find myself at my most desperate precipice and I do not shed a tear. I am not manic. I have no money to spend on booze, drugs or even food that I enjoy anymore, I am just empty. It's still maddening. I feel like I should feel more, like a human being would, yet I do not. The pressure is building, has been building steadily for a long while now yet I still do not act. I feel the stress but it's like it's happening to somebody else. Everything that's ever happened to me feels like it's happening to somebody else in retrospect.
I don't know what this is, maybe a rough outline of a suicide note that I'll never send. I was going to leave a note for my family but I've decided against it now. They will never understand. I know because I tried to describe my emptiness, what makes me alien, and it goes over their heads every time. How do you describe this alien feeling to a human? It has thus far been out of my reach and will most likely remain that way. I do feel empathy, I see others' pain yet I can bury it with ease. I am the ephemeral human when needed, the alien observer when not. So I guess I'm just getting this off my chest the only place I can. I have to end it soon as my financial situation is pretty dire now. I don't really feel like dealing with the fallout of the mess I've created for myself. At least with my death, my debts can be wiped as I've only began acquiring them last year. And my friends and family can say goodbye and maybe get some closure with the death of this enigmatic human who was truly just an alien in disguise, an empty observer. They won't understand, but they won't have to be hurt by my indifferent demeanour any longer.
Before May last year, or more accurately, before the pandemic started last year. I had a job I enjoyed and could sustain myself with. I was at the peak of my career, the height of my powers, so to speak. Then in May I blew it all up. I came to the realization of the hollowness of my life. I recognized how meaningless it all was and how unlikely it was to ever improve. I quit my job and began planning my suicide. I was desperate to escape this misery of waking emptiness. I sought the nothingness of death. How naive I was in thinking my desperation would lead to a simple conclusion. I was very confident at that moment. I was convinced I would be able to carry it out no problem and I had savings which granted me time to figure it out. I've had four suicide attempts since then and have yet to follow through. Now I'm here completely broke and still broken, still empty. I spent a lot of the summer during last year drinking whiskey, smoking weed and thinking about suicide. I wasted so much money. I was very emotional and manic. It was different from my usual state. That should have been a red flag for myself, the emotional state.
I'm back to my default state and worse off than ever. My financial situation is a disaster, I've alienated or abandoned (or both) all meaningful connections in my life. And now I find myself at my most desperate precipice and I do not shed a tear. I am not manic. I have no money to spend on booze, drugs or even food that I enjoy anymore, I am just empty. It's still maddening. I feel like I should feel more, like a human being would, yet I do not. The pressure is building, has been building steadily for a long while now yet I still do not act. I feel the stress but it's like it's happening to somebody else. Everything that's ever happened to me feels like it's happening to somebody else in retrospect.
I don't know what this is, maybe a rough outline of a suicide note that I'll never send. I was going to leave a note for my family but I've decided against it now. They will never understand. I know because I tried to describe my emptiness, what makes me alien, and it goes over their heads every time. How do you describe this alien feeling to a human? It has thus far been out of my reach and will most likely remain that way. I do feel empathy, I see others' pain yet I can bury it with ease. I am the ephemeral human when needed, the alien observer when not. So I guess I'm just getting this off my chest the only place I can. I have to end it soon as my financial situation is pretty dire now. I don't really feel like dealing with the fallout of the mess I've created for myself. At least with my death, my debts can be wiped as I've only began acquiring them last year. And my friends and family can say goodbye and maybe get some closure with the death of this enigmatic human who was truly just an alien in disguise, an empty observer. They won't understand, but they won't have to be hurt by my indifferent demeanour any longer.
