Help Every year again - My birthday and suicidal thoughts

[HangingBlossom]

Hej hej,

My name is Linnéa – and to be honest, I don't really know how to begin.

I'm sitting in a quiet corner of the university, the sun is shining on my face, and across from me sits my best friend from my studies. She has no idea what I'm writing right now. And maybe that's for the best, because I promised my loved ones I wouldn't read or post on threads like this anymore. But my mental health struggles, which have been weighing heavily on me again, have led me back here.

Tomorrow is my birthday – and for weeks now, a deep inner emptiness has been spreading inside me, slowly eating away at my soul. In the past few days, suicidal thoughts have been getting louder again, even though, objectively speaking, there are no "reasonable" reasons for them. I had once planned to die on my 18th birthday. I even tried – multiple times. But by God's intervention, and maybe a bit of luck, I'm still here.

I live with a particular form of borderline personality disorder. The first signs appeared when I was still in elementary school. It often only takes small things, small incidents, to throw me completely off course. When that happens, I feel the urge to tie something tightly around my neck until it hurts, until I feel dizzy or can't breathe.

Around my birthday, these feelings become especially strong. Getting older triggers a whole cascade of thoughts:
No long-term relationship. No children of my own. Years left of university and teacher training. My best friend, who currently doesn't have the strength to message me, and is once again lost in platforms like SaSu ...

And yet: deep down, I know I don't truly want to die.
I have friends and family who love me – even with my mood swings and emotional outbursts.
I'm succeeding in my teaching degree and have been confirmed to continue working as a substitute teacher next school year.
I even had a beautiful date yesterday – I don't know if it will lead to something serious, but it was a bright, hopeful moment.

And still, those dark thoughts creep in when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm afraid of losing control. That's why I asked my best friend to stay with me until Wednesday night. On Thursday, I'll go home to my family – my little sister will unknowingly help keep me safe through the night. Then there's just Friday left. We'll be celebrating my birthday together with my cousin's. I already see myself standing there in my white and pink floral dress, eyes swollen from crying – and if anyone asks why I'm crying, I'll say: from joy.

But damn it – what's wrong with me?
Why does the thought of hanging myself keep coming back?
Why do I feel the urge every day to strangle myself until I nearly pass out?
How do I make this stop?

I am totally desperate.

Hej då
din Linnéa

 

[MeSauce]

I am of the opinion that giving up is one of the only sensible options. That's the way I feel about myself and how I feel everyone else should feel. There is no god, no afterlife, we're here by pure luck and if anyone is having anything less than a perfect life they should just give up. Why struggle when everyone goes to the grave eventually? In the end, live if you want to live, die if you want to die. There is pain that comes from being stuck in-between.

How do you make the thoughts stop? Let me counter that question with another, do you want to live?

And yet: deep down, I know I don't truly want to die.

Or do you just want to kill the feelings?

 

[HangingBlossom]

Thank you very much for your feedback.

German blood runs through my veins from my father, and Swedish blood from my mother.
Giving up without a fight has never been an option for me – it's simply not in my nature.
Deep down, I can still feel the will to live. I am a person of strong faith, and I truly believe: God wants me to live, even if I don't understand why – or what I'm being punished for.

And besides, I can't just die. My family – especially my little sister – needs me.
I just want this emptiness to end. The constant panic attacks. The sudden emotional swings. The urge to strangle myself. The thoughts of death.
I just want it all to stop, but I don't know how. I don't have the energy to go to psychological treatment on my own. Besides, I can't let my family know about it, because the consequences would be just as severe as being in a closed institution.

 

[UselessMF]

I'm seeing myself reading your posts. Will be 37 years old next week and I'm pretty sure if I look at my login data on this site it will be around the same time each year. I did my first and only suicide attempt 23 years ago at 14 (I know really young).

Life have been a roller coaster with big ups and big downs. I have been somewhat successful in life, have 2 kids that I love, making good pay at work. But for some reasons or mental health issues that I don't know I've always had that pain of living that eat me from the inside.

I don't know how much longer I will survive this but what I can tell you is follow your instinct. Life will bring you some beautiful moments but will get you through hell too. It's incredible how our mind works and it doesn't matter if youre rich or poor, successful or failed, it's always your mind that control your destiny. It's painful and seems unmanageable.

Hoping the best for you and don't give up if theres still some light that get through your dark clouded mind.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Hej hej,

My name is Linnéa – and to be honest, I don't really know how to begin.

I'm sitting in a quiet corner of the university, the sun is shining on my face, and across from me sits my best friend from my studies. She has no idea what I'm writing right now. And maybe that's for the best, because I promised my loved ones I wouldn't read or post on threads like this anymore. But my mental health struggles, which have been weighing heavily on me again, have led me back here.

Tomorrow is my birthday – and for weeks now, a deep inner emptiness has been spreading inside me, slowly eating away at my soul. In the past few days, suicidal thoughts have been getting louder again, even though, objectively speaking, there are no "reasonable" reasons for them. I had once planned to die on my 18th birthday. I even tried – multiple times. But by God's intervention, and maybe a bit of luck, I'm still here.

I live with a particular form of borderline personality disorder. The first signs appeared when I was still in elementary school. It often only takes small things, small incidents, to throw me completely off course. When that happens, I feel the urge to tie something tightly around my neck until it hurts, until I feel dizzy or can't breathe.

Around my birthday, these feelings become especially strong. Getting older triggers a whole cascade of thoughts:
No long-term relationship. No children of my own. Years left of university and teacher training. My best friend, who currently doesn't have the strength to message me, and is once again lost in platforms like SaSu ...

And yet: deep down, I know I don't truly want to die.
I have friends and family who love me – even with my mood swings and emotional outbursts.
I'm succeeding in my teaching degree and have been confirmed to continue working as a substitute teacher next school year.
I even had a beautiful date yesterday – I don't know if it will lead to something serious, but it was a bright, hopeful moment.

And still, those dark thoughts creep in when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm afraid of losing control. That's why I asked my best friend to stay with me until Wednesday night. On Thursday, I'll go home to my family – my little sister will unknowingly help keep me safe through the night. Then there's just Friday left. We'll be celebrating my birthday together with my cousin's. I already see myself standing there in my white and pink floral dress, eyes swollen from crying – and if anyone asks why I'm crying, I'll say: from joy.

But damn it – what's wrong with me?
Why does the thought of hanging myself keep coming back?
Why do I feel the urge every day to strangle myself until I nearly pass out?
How do I make this stop?

I am totally desperate.

Hej då
din Linnéa

Are you currently getting any sort of professional help for your bpd?

 

[EternalShore]

Happy birthday Linnéa~ ^_^ In spite of all your fears, I really do hope you're able to enjoy it today with your best friend and also enjoy celebrating it together with your cousin and sister later too~ :)
Unfortunately, I get what you mean about many of the things you talk about~ :( while I don't have borderline personality disorder (probably), which sounds so awful to have dealt with since such a young age (D:), I do also feel absolutely terrible and awful about not being married yet nor having kids too~ :((( and yup... God wants to keep me here too... just to suffer ig~ >_< I got a teaching degree too! hehe~ Unfortunately, I'm too vulnerable(?) to be able to actually control the kids, even while subbing~ :( thankfully, your job at least seems more hopeful! Teehee~